This is your brain on stress:

Boomer--

You made the absolute, right, proper, correct comment:



Obviously anyone who loves Little Mo will realize that the excitement from Easter will have to evaporate before he can handle any more new experiences.

Remember, you are in charge. The judge put you in charge. You have pieces of paper saying you're in charge.

Given a choice of discombobulating Mo or mildly offending Mo's now-you-see-'em-now-you-don't paternal grandparents, which do you choose?

You can say that the actions of his parents over the last few years have been very confusing for Mo and that Dr. So-and-So suggests keeping stress to a minimum. Even happy events are stress.

Now, all that is for tomorrow. For tonight you get a glass of wine--or sipping whisky--and some relaxing music and pretend that you inhabit a world in which everyone is responsible and understanding and totally sane.

Remember, you're in charge. Hold your dominion.

I totally agree with Noddy. I see you don't want to antagonize them, and rightfully so. But you are in charge.

After getting Mo to bed, throwing my dinner in the trash and giving in to an unrestrained outburst over the fact that my life has come down to dealing with 50 year olds who think acquiring phone service is proof that they have overcome all their previous bad decisions, I had a glass of wine and waited for Mr. B to come home.

My angst doesn't have anything to do with Winnie although these are the Winnie people. My angst comes from the absolute fact that I do not trust these people's judgement.

For example:

Grandma ran a day-care/pre-school when Mo was a baby and bio-mom and dad immediately placed him there. When Mo was five weeks old he became very, very sick. "It's just a cold - nothing to worry about" said Grandma. Mo ended up in the hospital for a week.

At about 9 months of age, while visiting Grandma, Mo fell and bumped his mouth and it bled like crazy. "Nothing to worry about", says Grandma. That night bio-mom woke up to find Mo's crib soaked in blood. 911 was called. Mo had lost about a quarter of his blood from this little "bonk".

Flash forward about a year and a half and we find Grandma and Grandpa with very serious drug problems. Bio-dad's sister reports that she has herself being doing drugs with them. She also reports that they all had done drugs in Mo's presence during his overnight visits.

Now to learn that they had been doing drugs around Mo while Mo was in my custody absolutely devistated me. I felt then, and still feel now, that as a guardian I had failed to guard and I swore to do better.

By all accounts they aren't doing any drugs now. He is holding down a job and oh my gosh they have a phone!

I have a very good friend who had a very serious drug problem that she overcame. This is someone I know and like very much and I will not leave Mo with her despite her many offers to babysit. I do believe that people who have abused drugs can change but I'm personally not ready to leave something that I value beyond anything else in their care.

After visiting Mo three times in a year and a half they expect everything to be all hunky-dory and back to normal. It is not.

Mo's been having some issues about family - when he's gone he keeps asking to be taken home. I do not think Ms. "I know everything about kids because I'm a teacher and this is nothing to worry about" would call me if Mo had some problems during a prolonged visit.

Mr. B and I discussed strategy this morning. We decided that before they came to visit on Thursday that it was important that we talked to them without Mo around. Mr. B is going to try to go see them today.

We both agree that it is very important not to alienate these people. We need to maintain a positive relationship with Mo's family for many reasons but we aren't willing to do so at Mo's expense.

We both agree that no matter how much frustration or how many tears or how many dinners end up in the trash that it is important for Mo to maintain some contact with his family.

We agreed to present them with a plan of seeing Mo once a week for increasingly longer periods so that we could best gauge his reactions and that perhaps, PERHAPS, in time we could again discuss overnight visits.

<sigh>

I'm feeling a wee bit calmer and I hope some things will be clearer by the end of the day.

Thanks all.

Good morning Boomer,

I read your post last night and had nothing substantive to offer so I didn't respond. It sounds like you and Mr B have thought through everything and have a plan to propose.

I think you should stick to you instincts when it comes to letting the bio-grandparents have overnight visits. You certainly have Mo's best interests at heart and, with their history, I can't imagine a court in the world that would side against you if they wanted to take it down that road.

I'm glad the call came a few days before Easter to give you and Mr B a chance to think things through.

(((Boomer)))

That sounds like a good plan.

Three cheers for Mr. B. I hope you took a suede brush to the velvet glove and used WD-40 on the iron fist underneath.




I admire your willingness to strain your digestive system and your nervous system in Mo's best interests while not abandoning common sense.

See the Little Lady on the High Wire defying gravity with every step!

Hold your dominion.

you are handling this really well. You are absolutely right not to let him sleep over - he's far too young to go where he is not secure both emotionally and physically. Just say that he isn't yet ready for this but may be in time - and leave it until he's old enough to make an informed decision for himself.

I wouldn't encourage weekly visits - you don't really want them to be that big a part of your and his life do you? just see what happens and the idea of you going on the picnic is good - you are his security and you can observe the interactions.

As long as he has occasional contact it will keep him in touch and knowing them but you are the important person in his life, the one who is there when he needs you, when he's ill or cross or wants attention, not them. He needs to know that you are there and I don't think allowing him to stay over with almost strangers is good for this bond.

Hang in there - you are doing so well.

Sometimes I think this forum and my friends here are the only thing that keeps me sane.

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you all for that.

I received a preliminary report from Mr. B regarding his meeting. G'pa was there but not G'ma. This was probably a very good thing as he is much more honest and forthcoming than she is.

Mr. B confronted him about the drug use and it was admitted that the reason why they disappeared was because of drugs.

Mr. B was firm about no overnights right now. He explained that we had spoken with a counselor regarding some of Mo's behavior which seems to stem from all of the people who abandoned him. Mr. B explained that I am the one who gets all of the anger Mo expends on this and that it is always worse for me after a visit.

(I'm a pretty steadfast girl but it is nice to have a Champion.)

G'pa said that he agreed with us on the overnight and that it was really G'ma who was pushing that idea. I believe this. He is the one who always says "We know Mo is happy here and we don't want to disrupt that" when they leave here. G'ma is the "I know everything, don't worry" person.

One very interesting development - they have been seeing a lot of their son, Mo's dad lately.

Mr. B explained that if they ambushed Mo with his "dad" that all hell would break loose. He said that if "dad" wanted to see Mo that we must have time to prepare Mo for that.

I could be wrong but I have a real suspicion that this might have had something to do with the sudden push for an overnight.

I could be wrong because G'pa told Mr. B that he felt "dad" had (ahem) "washed his hands of Mo" and was not interested in any further relationship.

Who the f*** knows with these people?

Not I, that's for sure.

****.

Thinking.

At his age, I do not think there would be many who would support any sudden overnight stuff.

Can you remind us of their history/behaviour?

Do you have any reason to believe they want to take him?

They seem to have been very content to just have him with you.

You have a lawyer, right? Can you run it p[ast them re strategic behaviour?

Is this just a damn holiday sentimental thing?

Thing is, such people are impulsive, egotistically sentimental in flurries, unable to empathise.

Who the **** knows indeed.

The only thing that can be known is that they are unpredictable, will always be driven by their own perceived "needs", which will be high emotion ones at the time - and they can't stick the long haul.

They be like weather.

All that failure of due cares stuff is good to have documented.

One assumes there are medical records?

(Sorry for jerkiness - I am responding as I read down)

B, may I say that, as we plan training for foster carers here - for severely disturbed little possums - I wish wish wish that we had you over here to act as a consultant/co-trainer.

If ever you could bear to gather together written stuff re Mo and how you have handled things - with him AND the goddamned system around him - it would be gold to use as training material.

Nobody can help like someone who has been there.


((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Boomers))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Oh yay. Yay for you and yay for your champion. That sounds like it was a productive meeting. Way to stick to your guns, looks like it was handled really well.

Boomer--

You and Mo both have a champion. Will you salute Mr. B for me?

Tonight should be more restful than last night. Sleep well. Hold your dominion.

"The only thing that can be known is that they are unpredictable, will always be driven by their own perceived "needs", which will be high emotion ones at the time - and they can't stick the long haul."

Sometimes a sentence hits you like a ton of bricks.

This one did me. Sometimes I feel like I've woken up in a foreign country and it is from having to deal with people who think this way. THAT is a foreign country to me.

And on those days Australia seems like an acceptable distance. Next time I feel like loading up the car.....

Someday I hope I can put my experience to good use but that day has not yet arrived. Even on that day I might feel I need to hide behind "Anonymous".

And yes, my champion was met with garlands of roses!

I thought I would wait to respond until after our visit today so that I wouldn't be..... well..... nutty.

Interesting development: This morning I told Mo that they were coming and he was excited to hear it. He started in on the "maybe I can go to their house" and I said "Maybe. But you know that if you do that I won't be going there with you but that they will bring you back here in just a few hours."

I later became worried because he was heavy into charm mode today. We went to the grocery where I allowed him to pick a potted pansy from the display. As we wandered through the store he bestowed lovely flowers to maidens we encountered who swooned and delighted in the gift. By the time we got through the checkout line our pansy was stripped bare, I paid a three bucks for a pot of dirt, and Mo had an entourage of dazzled checkout girls and shoppers in his wake.

Anyway....

They arrived -- with presents. (Can't anyone ever, EVER, come to visit this kid without bring him a present? Please? Just once?) I asked if they might like to take him up to the park for a bit but Mo suggested backyard soccer so that's what we did.

They stayed for about an hour and a half and not once did Mo suggest going to their house. (!) I'm wondering if perhaps he thought that where he went, I went, and that my explaination this morning made him rethink the whole "can I come to your house" thing.

That would be nice.

The bubble on my spirit level is still a bit more Martin than Candide but at least they speak my language here.

Of course I do realize that I would need a boat, not a car to get to Australia and that they speak my language there.

Or I speak their language.

Or something.

<Could I get another Foster's here?>

Whew! Sounds like the visit went alright. How's Mo doing afterwards?

Boomer--

Could he be saying "Will you let them take me away to their house?" and reading your reply, "You don't have to go to their house without me unless you want to."

I pity the poor pansy. I also suggest that you explain the Bird & the Bees to Mo as soon as possible and fit him with a permanent condem--psychological, of course--to be removed on the morning of his wedding day.

I'm glad you survived the visit. Isn't it chilling to talk to people who don't really thing about how their audience is processing their conversation?

Full marks for letting Mo organize the visit. Power, power, power to the people--especially the little people.

Any mention of Mo's father?

Are you ready for the Easter bunny?

Hold your dominion.

Nice work, Mr. and Mrs. B.

Boy o boy have WE had an interesting day.

I have kept a contact journal of every phone call and every visit for the past two years but I have always tried to be dispassionate in what I recorded.

I'm thinking that in light of recent developements that I might keep a second journal recording what happens after the visit is over.

Today's would read:

"I'm going to kill you off."

That has been our theme for the day.

<sigh>

I don't even know where that language comes from.

He refused to get dressed and wanted to play outside all day. It was cold. I had to lock-down the house. He wanted to tear everything up - and tore a lot of stuff up. He wanted to "kill me off" even when we were making cookies and filling plastic fertility symbols with pastel candies and having fun.

Blahblahblahblahblahblahblah.

Noddy, I'm not sure how he interprets things. Whatever - it worked and he didn't request to go home with them.

You know, the death knell for school, zoo camp, lots of things were based on his discovery that I didn't get to go along with him. I don't know why I've never used that knowledge to convince him that there were things that I don't want him to do.

It didn't click until today.

And today I'm in a "whatever works" mode.

I know there is no way for me to keep up the attention of adoring clerks with pansys tucked behind their ears and gushing grandparents with toys and Peeps and frankly, I'm just happy that I didn't get killed off today.