Giving up on my mother

Thanks, squinney. I got that you were talking about letting her go lovingly and not feeling guilty. I don't feel guilty. I won't say that I was kind, though I tried to be. But I do think it was done out of love.

I don't talk bad about her to the kids. They miss her and want to see her sometimes. I told them earlier (before I decided this would be permanent) that gramma was angry at mommy and that's why we couldn't visit for the time being. I'm not sure what I'll say now. They would be very sad to hear that it's permanent.

FreeDuck--

You wrote:



Suppose instead of your mother, you had a wife-beating man in your life who insisted that his physical mistreatment of you was caused by your behavior?

Crazy-making, no?

You mother is not your fault and her world is not compatible with your world--or with your sanity.

Not too long ago you promised your husband that you would forsake all others. Between that pledge and the present day you have two children whom you love and protect.

Your mother is at least #5 on your love list after your husband, your kids, and you, yourself.

She can't rise higher--but she can drop further down.

Hold your dominion.

Dominion holding, Noddy. Holding, holding....

Thanks squinney for those thoughts. Now I will go and think...some more.
It is time for spring cleaning and since the house is done, time to do the home...

Well, back again. I'm still strugging with the heart of my problem/question. I know I could cut her out of my life in deed, but is it really possible to cut out a part of who you are? Even if I never see her again, I still know she's there, and she's still insane. And so am I. And not ever seeing her again won't change that, will it?

No, it won't change that. But it will result in fewer confrontations, giving you more time to concentrate on things that are pleasant. Or at least productive.

Sure she's part of who you are, both genetically and through your upbringing, but you are much much more. You're genetic makeup came from both family trees and you environment was influenced by numerous relatives, teachers, and friends. There's always a little bit of mom in each of us, but you are not your mother. Letting her be who she is and being who you are (maybe even discovering for the first time who that is) will go a long way toward bringing you peace.

That J_B's got a way with words...

peace and love
Freeduck I wish you peace with your decision whatever it may be.

I am in a similar spot with my mother, who sounds quite similar to everybody else's (does everybody on this board have the same mother? and if so why haven't we met before?)

Right now I am one of just a few of my mother's kids with whom she communicates, and those days I think are coming rapidly to an end.

Why? Because when I receive long emails detailing her grudges and the hurtful actions of others I first try to telephone her (she invariably does not respond - email serves to draw out the drama). Then I reply by email asking questions: "Is so-and-so really responsible for such-and-such, or is such-and-such a result of your decision? Why aren't you taking responsibility for that decision? What are acceptable parameters for behavior for your children? Are you applying the same parameters to all of us? What is acceptable behavior for you, and does your behavior always fall within those parameters?" Etc.

These emails are met with further freakiness, denial, finger-pointing, i'm-the-victim responses; and occasionally long silences in which (I find out later) she forwards the messages to her sister with forwards saying things like "they're all conspiring against me" and they work together to devise a response to me.

I am coming closer each day to refusing to participate because I think it would be so good for my sanity.

Thank you Freeduck for starting this thread, and thanks to all for providing your similar stories and encouragement.

Oh yes. Some mothers simply cannot tolerate the suggestion that they are not being reasonable. My mother also played the role of victim / drama queen.

One time when my mother was in a snit about something, I sent her a letter explaining that she was being unreasonable and that perhaps she would be happier if she started looking at her glass as half-full instead of half-empty.

She framed my letter (by placing it over my graduation picture in an existing frame), hung it on the wall, showed it to everyone who came to visit her, and cried about how I didn't care about her feelings. I mean, she had the proof of my lack of caring -- framed and displayed.

Mothers!

Welcome to A2K, sobe. That baby in your avatar is very cute! Stick around, we have much to talk about.

That about says it all doesn't it? The thing that worries me is that I am a mother! Is that how my kids feel about me I love my kids to death and always try to support them in whatever they do. But I sort of see history repeating itself as my girls (24,20) rarely make an effort to contact me whereas my boyz appear to love me to no end! The 17.5 year old lives with my husband and I in Australia and the 21 year old son came over to Australia for my brithday back in November and has been living with us since. He has announced, however, that he is going home in June.
I have been in Australia for a year and the girls have not called even once. I ring them each month as well as sending them emails and snail mail. I reckon getting snail mail is pretty cool Nice to get something other than a bill in the mail
So as much as I would like to disconnect myself from my mother, I don't because I am afraid that my own children might one day do the same to me and that would kill me!

Yeah, I definitely think about "what goes around comes around" often when thinking of my mother. Thing is, your girls are at the age where they don't contact you much because they're very busy figuring out the world and how they want to live in it. If you haven't done anything to earn their ire, they'll come around again when life settles down a bit.

{{{{{ FreeDuck }}}}}

If you think you can survive while maintaining a relationship with your mother, by all means do it. My kids loved their granny and she was wonderful to them most of the time. In fact, they learned lots about the world and how to survive in it because of her shortcomings.

When we would play the card game Uno, my mother would get so angry if she got a card that required her to take four more cards from the deck, the only way to keep the game going was for my sons and I to cheat by letting her pass without taking the extra cards. I know this sounds ridiculous, but my sons and I would laugh about it at the end of the evening. That was just granny and she was accepted quirks, manipulations and all. I didn't try to hide what she was doing or that she wasn't playing fairly, but I didn't make her sound like a bitch. They learned to choose which battles to fight. A card game with granny simply took on new rules and it became a sort of special time for all of us.

There were, of course, times when I wanted to slap her, especially when my younger son broke his writst while playing with a friend. My mother pointed out that his friend was black, implying that race was the cause of a broken bone. I let her know quite definitely that if she ever mentioned that to my son, she would no longer be welcome in our home. Once in awhile, she knew when to back off--I guess when my eyes were flaming fire.

Thank you Diane, for the story and the encouragement. You were a saint of a daughter.

I dismissed my mother in many ways as I left my teens and went into my twenties, and it was a reasonable rite of passage for a sheltered too obedient young woman. She was very controlling. She was well into alzheimer's by the time I was thirty, and my dad, who I related to much better, had died some years before. This is all a long time ago as I am presently in my early sixties.

I have not loved her, really, since, until fairly recently, when I have enough distance, decades distance.

From this vantage, I suggest enough room to be fully yourself, but not to shut the door entirely. Let a peep of love in (and love can be expressed by distancing, just done kindly.)

I miss having a mother to talk to... some times I need a mum too.

Ladies--

Check out:

http://www.cartoonbank.com/product_details.asp?mscssid=JEBR6GTE86A18HBBAWXQCU1KL1DM42KE&sitetype=1&did=4&sid=45348&pid=&advanced=1&keyword=Sipress&artist=&section=cartoons&caption=&artID=&topic=parents&pubDateFrom=&pubDateTo=&pubDateMon=&pubDateDay=&pubNY=&color=0&title=undefined&whichpage=5&sortBy=popular

Thanks for the laugh, Noddy.

Link didn't work.

Was that the one with the feral-looking kids doing vaguely violent things on the living room floor while the mom is reading on the couch and the dad at the computer says to her "I thought YOU were raising them!"

I've wanted to put that somewhere since I saw it. :-D