Giving up on my mother

It's really more a matter of going your own way and letting her go her's, isn't it. As opposed to deliberately cutting her out of the family, I mean.

All in all, I doubt children have any great need for a grandparent.

While it's sad, it's sometimes the best thing for your mental well-being to isolate yourself from someone you simply can't get along with - regardless of who they are.

I had a very estranged relationship with my father. He was an alcoholic and was a 'father' in the biological sense only. I would become so embroiled in our battles I couldn't focus on anything else. I eventually went from hatred to indifference, which is pretty much how things remained. I did have an excellent relationship with my mother, however. So, I wasn't detached from both parents.

You don't ever have to say never. For the time being it might be in your best interests to keep your distance. There might also come a time when your feelings will change and you'll reach out to her again or accept her reach, if she offers it.

Regarding the situation of your children, do your parents live close by? It's different if they can see each other in limited circumstances - say going out to a movie or a meal - than if you'd have to travel as a family in order for your kids to see your parents.

It's a tough situation, I wish you peace with your decision, whatever it turns out to be.

Thanks for the replies, folks. Roger, it's not so simple as going one's own way. She recently moved to my town out of financial necessity. She's made a few friends but for the most part she's here because my sister and I are here. She isn't a terribly strong, independent person. For a long time I felt a sense of responsibility to her. Now I think maybe I've helped her prolong making needed changes.

J_B, thanks for the good wishes. My father lives quite far but we visit him now and again. The kids like to visit him because he is more or less peaceful and he lives on a river where we can all fish.

I feel like I'd be fine if I never saw or spoke to her again in my life, but I'm undecided as to whether it is the morally right thing to do. The idea of cutting off a relationship because it is difficult bothers me because it's something she is so comfortable doing and it's something I don't like about her. But it could just be that there's no hope and so what's the point of hammering away at it?

FreeDuck--

This is off the top of my head--I'll have more thoughts, later.

Remember, a relationship involves two people. You cannot control your mother's actions or attitudes, but you can choose your own responses to those actions and attitudes.

You owe your mother respect--"Honor thy mother"--you don't owe her friendship, or adoration or the right to disrupt your life and the life of your family.

You have no trouble setting limits with your own children. Can you transfer that skill to dealing with your mother? Right now she's "loving you from a distance"--and I'm guessing that this love-from-a-distance is a very noisy, time-demanding passion.

If one of your kids was clamoring for attention with unacceptable behavior, you wouldn't fall into the trap. You would be completely reasonable to expect your mother to play by the Marquis of Queensbury rules.

No parent has the right to cloak hostility with love. You don't have to put up with that sort of time-consuming, energy-sapping hypocrisy.

May March, 2005, be a month of love-from-a-considerable-distance.

Hold your dominion.

"If it's not one thing, it's my mother."

No need for drastic steps. Just stop contacting her, and be busy whenever she calls. Pretty soon she'll stop calling. Tell the kids she's a difficult personality and you've never really gotten along. And then go your own way.

Hey FreeDuck,

There is no law (yet, thank god!) that dictates we have to have a relationship with our parents (or anyone else for that matter). Some people are just not good "parent material" for whatever reason. In your case, it sounds like her immaturity and over dramatization of things have created a very wide chasm that is getting harder and harder to bridge.

I agree with J_B about never saying never simply because that is such a long, long time, but I do think you have the definite right to set boundaries on your relationship with her. Make yourself less available. Don't call her but let her call you. If it is something you can or want to talk about when she does call, then talk. If not, cut it short, but pleasantly say you have to run and hope she has a good day.

If your kids want to see grandma, I don't think I would deny them that, but do it on your schedule and don't make the visit very long.

It's kind of like distancing yourself but not severing all ties. You can acknowledge that she is your mother but you don't have to feel guilty about not having this wonderful mother/daughter relationship.

Noddy, thank you. You made me laugh out loud. You are right. One problem is that I don't respect her. I've tried, I really have, but it's just not coming.

Dominion holding.

Lady J and Eva, thanks to you two also. I have no problem not contacting her and she's currently not speaking to me. However, she'll get on the horn with other family and tell them how she doesn't know what she did to me but I won't talk to her, o woe is me, etc... Then my kids want to go see her and I tell them we can't and why. I let them call her, which they like but she just thinks I'm using them to send her messages.

My problem is that she does this "I'm not speaking to you" bit and then expects me to call her up or visit. I'm responsible for ending the silence. In the past I did this but I'm tired of it now. I don't see the point of banging on her door when she's clearly told me to stay away from her. I'm tempted to just let her go even though I know that she wants me to keep her from going.

Mind games are especially bothersome when they involve families. Refuse to play, FreeDuck.

Do you call people to whom you have nothing to say? Of course not. So don't call her. If your kids want to call her, let them...but be too busy to talk. If she has something to say to you, she can call you. If you hear from other family members about it, tell them you're not aware of a problem and if she's upset, she should call you -- not them. If necessary, refuse to discuss the subject with them because it's between you and your mother. Say, "I love you, and you don't need to get into the middle of this." Make your mother deal with you directly if she has something to say.

Also, there is nothing wrong with telling your mother to "Grow Up." I told mine that once, and of course she was very upset. But she called me back several days later and apologized, saying she knew she had been wrong. Things were much more direct after that.

"Respect: means you have to be courteous--but there is no need to pay homage to a nitwit.

Reading this thread with interest, Freeduck. My stepson is in the same situation as you, torn between cutting his natural mother out of his life entirely or continuing to maintain the relationship regardless of how crazy it makes him. I feel so terrible for him when she takes him through the wringer as only she can. The guilt he feels about her is stifling and he seems powerless to do anything about it. It's very sad.

Hey FD
Mothers can be impossible can't they? The thing that worries me is that I am someone's mother and I would be devastated if any of my children decided to cut me out of their lives.
I would also be devastated to be denied access to my grandschildren. I think grandparents are very important!
I had not seen my mother in three years. She turned up in Australia to visit my brother and I suppose she felt obligated to look me up.
My mother and I have a very strange relationship and I will be damned if I can figure her out.
I don't go out of my way to seek her out anymore. She stays out of my life. I send her cards at the appropriate times throughout the year. I used to make all kinds of attempts to get together with her to no avail.
I wish things were different for us but they are not.
I sincerely hope that you sort things out with your mother.

Hi folks. Thanks again for all the replies. This is sort of therapeutic for me and I appreciate you all taking the time to reply. Ay, that is pretty much how I feel about it. I would feel awful if, at her age, my kids felt the same way about me that I feel about her. Maybe that's why I've been so reluctant to call it quits. To me, family is the most important thing and I'd always make a greater effort to maintain familial relationships than others. But for her, I'm not sure it's the same. She seems to have the biggest problems with family -- not just me, but her brothers, my father, she disowned my older brother when he was not even 18. More than once she has teamed up with a stranger or a friend of hers against her family -- and that includes her family. It's usually when she runs out of friends that she starts trying to renew contact with family. And we've always just let her.

I think it's all very sad but, like Noddy said, I can only control my own behavior. I can't make her try harder.

What a tough situation!

I broke off all contact with my mother 4-5 years ago, and have been a great deal happier (and more well-adjusted) since. My mother is so crazy (and crazy-making) that I could either have contact with her, and suffer greatly, or break off all contact, and begin to heal. I chose to heal, because life is too short to suffer without need.

I guess your decision whether to continue any sort of relationship with your mother will have to be based on your own situation, weighing the amount of unhappiness she brings into your life against the amount of happiness. This sounds a little "logical", I suppose, but it may help. You can make a list of "good" and "bad" qualities about the relationship to help you feel less ambivalent.

When we were children, we didn't have any choice about who we lived with. Now, as adults, I believe we have not only the choice but the Responsibility to insist that each person in our lives Earns the right to be there. Yes, your mom would be hurt if you cut her out of your life completely, but you must weigh that hurt against your own, caused by her presence.

I wish all the best for you!

mothers
Mothers!

I LOVED my mother (and still love her). She passed away several years ago, but I am still haunted by her immaturity.

She demanded respect from her children, but she didn't give any back. She was very disrespectful of our feelings. She was a chronic complainer. She was always the victim of someone else's alleged wrongful conduct and we were expected to support her views, right or wrong. She harbored grudges.

On the most part, I could accept her the way she was and IGNORE her faults.

She came to my house for Christmas one year. A friend stopped by to visit. I played with my friend's baby while my mom and my friend engaged in small talk. My mom was struggling for a word and finally blurted out something. My friend (who has no talent for tact), said, "That's not a word!" Oh, oh . . . .

After my friend left, my mother ran to the nearest dictionary, looked up the word in question, and then accosted me for failing to take her side in the word dispute. I would not take sides. I told her it's not a big deal, and if she was truly offended by my friend's comment, she should have grabbed the dictionary while she was still here. Whatever . . . no big deal.

Well, my mother smoldered over the situation and got up in the middle of the night and left my house while we slept. She wouldn't answer her phone for days and days. Okay. I guess if she wants to ruin her own Christmas . . . fine . . . but it was disheartening.

Life was full of dramatic incidents like the above. One time when I told her during a telephone conversation that she was being unreasonable and making a mountain over a molehill, she hung up on me. Then she sent me a nasty letter many pages long. We didn't talk to each other for over a year. After that, however, she behaved herself because she knew that I wasn't going to run after her and beg her to come back into my life.

Your mother is the master of her own destiny. If she's an unpleasant woman to be around, you don't have to tolerate the unpleasantness. Tell her that her behavior is unacceptable when she crosses the boundary. She will either change her unacceptable behavior and try to be more pleasant, or she will step out of your life. She may be your mother, but she is still responsible for the choices she makes in life.

Those stories have a familiar ring to them. I'm thinking my mother is not exactly unique in her excentricities.

Re: Giving up on my mother


I'm in the same situation as you. I feel both depressed and anxious from the moment I enter into contact with either of my parents, I get a strong feeling of relief the moment I leave their company. In short they are not good for me and after many years of this I've come to realise that I feel nothing for them because of this.

I'm not dealing with it now, not until I have my affairs more organised and I'm in a position where I can afford some more complication in my life. However eventually I plan on severing contact. The trouble is, like you, I'm not entirely sure how to go about it. I don't want to make them suffer but at the same time I do need to remove them from my life, something which will hurt them.

If I move to another city, since I live in Australia, this will result in being so far away that I can no longer keep in regular contact with the friends who I care about in my home city. I would need to entirely start over. Something I don't think I'm ready to do at the moment.

....

It's never easy, is it?

Free Duck, all the advice here is better than any therapist could give you. Some of these mothers sound soooo familiar that I sort of wonder if some of us might be sisters, especially Debra_Law.

My mother was wonderful in so many ways, but I always felt like the caretaker. I was the one she came to with her problems and I took the brunt of her anger when I didin't live up to her expectations (and she had many).

She was wonderful with my sons, but I always made sure to be there or to take the time when picking them up to talk about the afternoon and ask questions about what they had done. My worst worry was that my mother was terribly bigotted and she was always making heartless statements about minorities. Whenever anything came up about minorities and mom made one of her zingers, I would, every calmly, ask her for particulars, pin her down, but in a very reasonable way. I would also ask my sons what they thought. Since they had been raised to be accepting of everyone in society, they would answer with kindness and wonder at how people could be so cruel to others. My mother always backed down. I knew, though that, had she had enough time with them, she would have tried to brain wash them into little rednecks.

That's my experience and you might not have the same concerns, but remaining calm and asking direct questions about your mother's statements, might make her start to consisder what she is saying before she blurts something out.

Another reason I kept up the relationship was my stepfather. MY father had been horribly abusive to all of us; he came after me when I was around 11 or 12. If he had still been alive I would have feared for my children's safety. My stepfather, on the other hand, provided a positive, wonderful father figure and helped make them the wonderful young men they are today.

Mostly, good luck. When you make a decision, make a conscious effort to remind yourself that it was the right decision. We too often second guess ourselves to the point of insanity.

Yes, folks, I think it's important to pursue people who are nutritious and avoid those who are toxic--no matter who they are.