Giving up on my mother

I can see that I am certainly not alone when it comes to poor relationships with one's parent(s). Diane, I have made an effort, pretty much since adulthood, to try to coax her with questions so I know exactly what you speak of when you say you tried to pin your mom down in order to make her think. The problem is that I can only get her to acknowledge so much before some sort of defensive reflex takes over and she bails on all logic or attempts to figure something out. I'm actually able to avoid getting angry with her in most situations. There are exceptions. Her high need for attention causes her to instinctively wedge herself between people in otherwise functioning relationships. She's done it numerous times. I confess to coming very close to losing my temper with her when she tried it with my husband and me. And she doesn't realize she's doing it, but that doesn't quite cut it for me.

When I was a young adult, I was almost as socially incapacitated as she was/is, so I actually do understand her behavior and I thought, for a long time, that I could help her. What it comes down to, for me, is that she doesn't want to be helped -- least of all by her family.

So the gist of it is that I've decided that I'm done with her. She has other sources of support that she's chosen for herself so I'm sure she'll be happy. I don't think she'll learn anything from my decision. I don't expect her to ever learn another thing as long as she lives. I guess that's why I'm not interested in knowing her anymore.

A therapist told me, when I was 20 or so, pretty much this same thing. She told me to NEVER expect my mother to change, because she never would. Had I taken her advice, I would have saved myself 10 or 15 years of misery with my mother.

I had to prove it to myself, I guess, before I broke all contact with my mother. But I have been a lot happier in the 4-5 years since then.

I know what you mean about having to prove it to yourself, BK. I guess I thought I needed to give her the chance, too. I think I'll take all the energy I would have used to keep her in my life and use it to make sure that the relationship I have with my kids is such that this won't happen to us.

FreeDuck, this thread has brought back many memories. One of the saddest is that, after my mother died, I could enjoy my family on her side without having to know who was fighting with whom. I could just visit with my aunts and uncles and cousins and enjoy the feeling of family. My mother and her sisters were beautiful, smart and ambitious. Not a good combination. I wrote about her and her death somewhere. Maybe I'll dig it up and put it on Original Writing. It was called:
Bits of Dorothy.

Have you seen the phrase, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, I am my mother after all?" When my kids were still little and I would scold them, there were times when I was horrified that the words and tone of voice coming out of my mouth were MY MOTHER'S WORDS. Arrrrrrgh. I had made a very conscious decision not to be like her or like my father. It is frightening knowing how much of our parents reside inside us. It has never been a problem not being like my father, but Mom stillused to show up in little doses.

It has been long enough now that I can look back and appreciate everything that was wonderful about her. When she wasn't completely self-involved, she could be extraordinarily loving, smart and creative. I love remembering that part of her now that the other memories don't get in the way.

Some days when I come home, I can take one look at the Lovely Bride
and know her mother called. Fortunately, I'm a pretty good listener.

I'm visiting Mom this weekend. My stress level is building already.

I can't wait for it to be over.

All I can say is I hope I dont bring out this kind of anxiety in my kids!
Oh please tell me I am NOT like my mother!!??

Does that ever hit the nail on the head.

There are times when I'm just not tuned in to my kids, for whatever reason, that they need me to be tuned in to them. So they do the things that kids do and I feel my self-control slipping away. That is when I feel like I am just like my mother. Out of control and unable to deal. I've taken to locking myself in a closet when this happens (and it doesn't happen much, but once is too much) -- but that's not exactly healthy. It's almost like kicking an addiction in that it really is a day by day struggle and it doesn't seem like I can ever let my guard down. The good news is that as I learn how to handle this in myself I can teach my kids how to handle it.

Ironically, the times in my life when I tried the hardest not to be like her were the times when I was most like her. I've had to work very hard on myself to get to a place where I thought I was sane enough to have children. Sometimes I think that assessment might have been premature. But sometimes I'm very proud at how my children seem to be thriving in a loving home that, while not always orderly and calm, provides them with the things that are most important for emotionally healthy children. God I hope that's enough.

I'm sure you'd know if you did.

Well both the boyz came to Australia and that could not have been easy for them.
The girls?
I reckon I am going to have to take a look in the "Mother" mirror.

{{{{{Freeduck}}}}} all kids should be so lucky!

Amen, sister.

Thank you, both.

Giving up on my Mother? Yes, the smartest thing I could do!
I have not seen or spoken to my mother in eight years. It was my choice. As a child my mother was a physical abuser. I moved out as soon as I graduated. I didn't speak to my mother until I had a dream she died. It bothered me so I called her. She was snotty about it and said she could die at any time. At my effort we became friends. I even went as far as buying some property and two homes on the ocean with her. I knew I shouldn't. Things were fine until I told her I was getting married. At that point I could do nothing right nor could my new husband. We were forbidden to go to the ocean property because my husband might think it was his! My husband could care less. She continued to rule my life even married. One day she called me and told me my husband had done something that would effect my mother and myself. I knew it wasn't true because I had already done that something so there was no need for my husband to. She was just trying to drive a wedge. At that point I knew my mother would continually be a thorn in my side. I was living her life not mine. She would destroy me in the end. I told her to stay out of my life and hung up. I had previously thought about the consequences of my actions and am prepared. I do not nor will I feel guilty, including on her death bed. I am happy and a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders. My husband and I are happily married for fifteen years now. He is a family man and has more problem with my separation from my mother than I. Buy he supports me and my decision.

Doxxie, lamb, join us and talk.

I read your post and agree with it, though of course I don't have other input.
None of here on a2k have any clue if what anyone posts to us here is true. We have, therefore, a certain residual and everyday doubtfulness.

Us regulars are generally mild and well meaning except when we blow up, and then, one of the bloweruppers may be closer to right than the other one.

Are you still here? Talk to us, we'll talk back.

There was an ad on tv the other night and this woman had freaky poofy hair and my husband asked me if I would ever wear my hair like that..."Of course not!" He asked if it was called a beehive...and I have been thinking of my mother quite a bit ever since I have a vivid memory of my mother with an updo at some big meeting....
What if I become my mother? I so want to be a part of my children's lives...and the lives of my grandchildren. I would like to cut off all contact with my mother but what if there is some truth to that old saying, "what goes around, comes around"?
All I ever wanted was a set of parents who loved me .... not a big ask really, is it ?
Rambling now, I will go away now

ossobuco: I can not reply to you directly, I am too new to the forum.

I tend to have the philosophy that people are just people. We all come to this life with certain traits and personalities and all have our own paths to follow and things to work out in our journey. It makes it easier to look at a person I find unlikable and accept them for who they are. That doesn't mean I put myself in their presence if they inhibit my own journey, but at least I can honor their journey in this way.

Sometimes I look at the person and think, "This was someones baby." Someone held this person, loved this person at some time and no matter what has happened since, he is still someones child.

It's all rather fleeting, really. No one a hundred years from now will know your journey unless you are famous, write it down, pass it on to your children and they bother to pass it on to to theirs. So, I tend to live and let live. Negativity has to be let go of so we can move on, and sometimes it is necessary so that they can move on as well. I think we can do this in a way that isn't detrimental to anyone even if it is ones mother if we are honest and open and do so in a loving way.

I'm feeling quite fortunate at this moment. I have wonderful relations with both of my parents and all but one out of eight siblings. Yet, I am saddened by this thread. On the one hand, I'm very sorry so many of you wonderful women have not had the Mothers you deserve. But, then you may not have earned your strength and courage without them.

Thanks for the thoughtful post, squinney. I can relate to your live and let live philosophy. It's true that my mother is who she is and isn't likely to change. And it's not for me to judge her for what she's done with her life. At the same time, navigating her tangled web is an extra chore that I don't have time for right now. It does make me sad, but I've run out of alternatives. She lives in some alternate reality that I don't want any part of. She ages but she doesn't grow. She adds only confusion, stress, and sadness to my life. I'm truly sorry that it comes to this but I just don't see any other alternative.

Oh, and I understand that. I was trying to convey that it's okay (sometimes necessary) and not to feel guilty. You each have your own paths to follow in order to be true. Let her go one way, and you another as long as you do so lovingly. (Out of love for yourself, your children, your family, and even your mother who may learn a valuable lesson or may not, but that part doesn't matter cause thats her journey not yours)

I wouldn't speak badly of Grandma. When the children ask, it might be a good time to talk to them about loving, letting go and accepting people for who they are. I'm sure you'll handle it beautifully.

Sending hugs.