4
   

How many dates before sex? (Intimacyproblems)

 
 
Reply Wed 22 Aug, 2018 04:57 am
I met a guy on tinder, we had our second date yesterday. He seems very nice and I really want to get to know him. At the end of our last date, he invited me back to his place. I said I could come inside for a little bit, just to signalize that I wasn't joining him just for the sake of sex. We were really just talking before we started kissing a bit. Inside me I got a little panic-attack and it's not the first time. I've been struggling with this many times, and have never gotten any far in intimacy with boys. I've been very afraid to be intimate with someone. In public places when we hang out I am very comfortable with flirting and stuff. But once we are alone, I get high heart rate, and I can't focus, I want to run away because I get so uncomfortable. There was no pressure from his side, he just kissed me . But, the problem is that I know kissing leads to sex. (not necessarily, but a boy is a boy) I'm not ready for it yet, he seems like a good guy. It's very annoying that I get a heart-attack every time, I want to be able to relax and enjoy time with him instead of panicking for it. I want to tell him, but it may be too early to talk about personal issues? Next time he said I could come to his place, and I automatically think SEX! And I panic again! What can I do?

I sincerely hope that someone can share experiences and advice on how to make this intimate thing less scary for me and turn it into something nice as being intimate suppose to be.

F22 (VIRGIN, but you definitely knew that Razz)
 
CoastalRat
 
  2  
Reply Wed 22 Aug, 2018 06:12 am
@vizuella,
I've got two answers for you. You can pick the one that best suits you.

1. As a Christian with biblically based morals, I would suggest you wait for sex until marriage. I could go into a number of reasons why this is best, but I won't. Let's just say I believe this is best.

2. If morally you have no issue with sex prior to marriage, then I would say you wait until you are sure you are ready for sex. You'll know when that is. You won't get a "heart attack" when doing something that you believe may lead to sex. So bottom line, when and only when you feel you are ready, then go ahead. You'll know. (And make sure protection is used AT ALL TIMES.)

Whatever you decide, make sure it is what you want. Not just what he wants.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Wed 22 Aug, 2018 06:54 am
@vizuella,
If the idea of having sex is causing you panic attacks, then you're not ready for sex.

No matter what he says.

Nice people don't pressure each other for sex. If he pressures you, tell him to take a hike.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  3  
Reply Wed 22 Aug, 2018 12:09 pm
There are ways to indicate you’re not ready for sex if during a date you accept an invitation to go into someone’s apartment.

You can choose a chair so you’re not sitting next to the person. If invited to come sit by him, just no, you’re really comfortable there. You have a right to your space. If he pressures you to move closer, say thanks for the evening, stand up and leave. If you feel that’s too abrupt or “not nice” remember that it’s pretty awful of him for trying to get you to do something you don’t want to do.

If you are next to him and you feel it’s gone too far, say you need to use the bathroom, and when you come back either sit somewhere else or as above, go home.
0 Replies
 
glitterbag
 
  2  
Reply Wed 22 Aug, 2018 12:19 pm
Can I ask you why you choose Tinder to meet people?
vizuella
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Aug, 2018 01:07 pm
@glitterbag,
I moved to a new city, and in my country it's a common dating app. Even though many think of it as a sex-app. People I know have met their boyfriend there, so I thought why not.
0 Replies
 
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Aug, 2018 02:27 pm
In my experience, people on dating apps have sex after 3-5 dates. I don't think the responses on this thread so far have been realistic.

The purpose of a dating app is to find a romantic relationship. I don't go to a dating app to find a platonic friend. What a romantic relationship means to me changes depending on what is happening in my life; at one point in my life I was looking for marriage, at some times I just wanted a casual relationships. It always involves physical intimacy. I have had two really amazing, romantic, passionate and intimate relationships with people I met online. With each we started having sex after several dates.

Sex is an important part of a romantic relationship. And if a sexual relationship doesn't develop after several dates, I am likely to want to move on (although I have maintained friendships after this has happened when I have clicked with a woman even though there wasn't sexual chemistry).

That being said. If a woman told me "I really like you and I want to see to see if this develops into a romantic relationship, but I am not ready to have sex right now", I would likely respect that. I would want to understand better. I would also want to know what needs to happen... and I would want to be very clear about whether I was going to stop dating other people.

Communication is always a good thing, even early on a relationship. If a woman starts moving her chair away from me on a date... I am going to get the message that she has no real interest, and I am going to start looking for someone who is interested in a relationship with me. I don't like to play games.

If you are interested in pursuing a relationship, but you need more time, it is always better to talk to a person then to play games with chairs.
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Wed 22 Aug, 2018 03:02 pm
@maxdancona,
No one said anything about moving a chair away from someone. I suggested if you feel you don’t want to suggest via body language that you aren’t ready to be physically close to someone, then you shouldn’t sit physically very close. Another advantage of that is that you both can now see each other in full, which I find better for conversation. One can read body language that way as to how the conversation is going.

Personally, I’ve had sex with people on the first date, and dated someone a dozen times with no sex. I don’t like to confuse the term romantic relationship with sexual relationship. I had one, the other, both or neither. There’s no script I feel I need to follow.

Sitting away from someone isn’t game playing. It’s giving the other person the message you’re not ready to proceed to the physical. Now if someone was giving the other “go away - come here” signals, that’s playing games. Simply accepting an invitation to enter the home of someone i’ve been having a good time with, and feel safe, doesn’t indicate I’m ready to have sex.
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Aug, 2018 03:13 pm
@chai2,
My main point is the communication, using words, is the best way to avoid misunderstanding. Hopefully we can agree on this.

If someone says to me "I really like you and I want to keep dating you, but I am not ready for sex right now", it will avoid any misunderstanding. Better yet, I can respond with what I am feeling and we can have a discussion. If someone moves away from me without saying anything, I am likely to misunderstand what they mean.

If a man invites you into his house after a good date it is a good bet that it means he would like to have sex. That doesn't mean a woman is obligated to have sex... but generally if a woman accepts such an invitation, most men are going to be thinking that she is at least open to the idea.

I would prefer a woman with no interest in physical intimacy to honestly tell me than to accept my invitation. Or, I would be perfectly fine if a woman either asked my intentions or stated theirs.

I have had women tell me clearly that they wanted to kiss, but they didn't want sex. I have no problem with this.

0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Aug, 2018 06:14 pm
@vizuella,
vizuella wrote:
I know kissing leads to sex. (not necessarily, but a boy is a boy)


yeah. no.

some people are interested in sex earlier than their (potential) partners. in my experience it's not a gender thing.

__

If you're not ready to have sex with this guy (or someone else) AND not comfortable talking to him about it, don't go to his home. You'll be more relaxed in public for now - and maybe it will prompt you to have the conversation about where the relationship might/might not be going.

Are you ok with kissing him in public? go with that if you are. get used to being with him, being comfortable with sexual feelings with this guy. if you eventually want more / are ready for more, let him know.

If even kissing in public makes you uneasy, I'm not sure what to suggest.

I don't mean you have to stand in front of a crowd and kiss - but maybe sitting in a park, talking, relaxing, leaning in and kissing.

__

He does sound like a nice guy who hasn't put a lot of / any pressure on you about this so try to relax, try to talk to him - especially if you would like sex to be on the plan with this guy.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Aug, 2018 06:18 pm
@vizuella,
vizuella wrote:
Next time he said I could come to his place, and I automatically think SEX! And I panic again! What can I do?


you say no

you say you're not comfortable spending time in his home yet

if he asks why, you tell him the truth or some part of it. you can tell him : you prefer to have more public dates with him/you're not ready to spend time in his home with him/ you're not ready to have sex with him

if you guys are students and the costs of dating are a concern, work up a list of inexpensive/free things you can do together and suggest them to him.

in fact, contact him now and invite him on a casual outdoor date
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Aug, 2018 06:23 pm
@chai2,
chai2 wrote:
Simply accepting an invitation to enter the home of someone i’ve been having a good time with, and feel safe, doesn’t indicate I’m ready to have sex.


I agree with that, but I'm pretty sure that not everyone is that in tune with themselves. I had a roommate in college who considered an invitation to a guy's room the next thing to a marriage proposal, so she had a real hard time with those invitations. Me, I'm still friends with a guy I used to spend hours and hours with in our rooms/apts/ (now) houses and stare at fish in a tank, listen to music and chat. 42 years of chatting.
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  2  
Reply Wed 22 Aug, 2018 06:36 pm
@vizuella,
Quote:
Next time he said I could come to his place, and I automatically think SEX!


Well I'm definately not a Virgin Smile Too old .

Sweet, if you are not ready you are not ready.

It bothers me that he has stated " next time you are going to his place" .

I think, you need to be honest it's not intimacy problems it's communication problems.

In my opinion and only because why not, I mean it's a hard world out there when you are not on the same page Smile

Tell him, you wish to continue dating but "not" at his place at this point in time, you are not willing to put either party in any situations that you are not ready for.

See if he dates you again x
vizuella
 
  3  
Reply Thu 23 Aug, 2018 07:24 am
@ehBeth,
I did in fact send him a message last night, about changing the location of the date to somewhere more public. He suggested movie-night in his apartment, but I told him it was a bit unsocial if we want to get to know each other, and that we should meet outside instead. He said it was fine and that he didn't mind it.
So do you think he got my point? I feel good about it though.
vizuella
 
  3  
Reply Thu 23 Aug, 2018 07:25 am
@FOUND SOUL,
I told him that, and he was cool with it. I think I'm gonna have to talk to him about how we are moving forward, and that I need more dates before doing it.
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Aug, 2018 08:33 am
@vizuella,
It sounds like he wants a relationship and that he is willing to wait. Make sure that he knows that you are interested in him. Thank him for the date and tell him you like spending time with him.

Talking is good...
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Aug, 2018 09:00 am
@vizuella,
That sounds like you both handled it well. I hope you enjoy getting to know each other - and having fun dates.
vizuella
 
  2  
Reply Thu 23 Aug, 2018 02:27 pm
@ehBeth,
Thank you Smile I hope so!
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Aug, 2018 08:23 pm
@vizuella,
Well done Smile

It does sound as if he's good with this.
0 Replies
 
CosCom Love
 
  1  
Reply Wed 19 Sep, 2018 10:08 pm
@vizuella,
Don't fret about it. It is a natural thing. With time you will grow over it.
0 Replies
 
 

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