Female perspective please

Reply Wed 15 Aug, 2018 11:21 am
I have been having an affair with a woman I met online. She was lonely despite living with a much older man (I am older than her too but younger than him). I too was lonely despite being married and having two young kids. We spoke online for several months before finally meeting and then met a couple of times a week for several months before finally sleeping together.

We are from very different backgrounds. I am pretty wealthy , well-brought up and from a stable background. She is from a background where her family barely work , and have mentally abused her and her siblings since adolescence , plus she suffers from a muscle disease which causes her long-term pain. She was also addicted to pain killers caused by the onset of the muscle disease but had been clean for over 2 years. Along with this she definitely bears the mental scars of her upbringing.

Despite all this I truly fell in love with her. We met at least 3 times a week mostly for afternoon walks and coffees/lunches with occasional sexual liaisons which were infrequent due to her muscle pain (walking helps). Her bf was/is very possessive and emotionally blackmails her into not having friends or a job so it was difficult for her to come out unless he was in work. Even then he would constantly ring her to see where she was or who she was with. She would have to say her brother or sister or on her own and even then he would ask her to send him pics to prove it!!

I constantly badgered her to leave him as she had no life at all and I could give her everything. At Christmas last year I was ready to leave my wife and said that after it was over (for the kids sake) I would leave and be with her. However over xmas she got very distant and cold and then in the New Year when I broached the subject again she said that she couldn't break up a family. She would still see me but would not be with me.

This pattern continued. Several times she would instigate a row with me over things to do with my family life or would be deliberately awkward in not seeing me (cancelling dates at last minute , not answering texts etc) to the point where we would argue and she would then block my phone. I would then chase her via email or by ringing her on another number and she would apologise and say she'd missed me etc etc and so it would continue.

Then around 2 months ago we had a huge row where she accused me of stalking her and not leaving her alone which for me was the last straw as that was not the case. So I ignored her for several days at the end of which she sent me a text saying she was so sorry and needed me in her life etc. We met and for the next few weeks we were closer than we had ever been. However she was constantly arguing with her bf and always angry with him (he's always getting drunk or sleeping...nothing else). Then out of the blue on evening she rings me to say she is leaving him. I was completely unprepared and although that is what I wanted it took me by surprise and if i'm honest frightened me as I hadn't readied myself to tell my wife and kids.

I met her in a car park that night and told her I just couldn't go with her yet. She was very angry with me and said I'd let her down even though I tried to explain that I wanted to I just needed sometime to make sure she was sure. We agreed to keep seeing each other but over the last few weeks it has not been quite the same. However just before I was about to go on a family holiday we met up and she was really happy and said she would miss me etc and to keep in contact. During the week I was away we were in constant text contact and I even managed to call her a few times. However as the end of the week approached she started getting frosty in her texts and said that she'd realised that while I was away she needed to make a life for herself that didn't revolve around me and was going to limit how much we saw of each other. She also said I had had my chance to be with her and I'd blown it and she doubted whether I'd get another. But that she still wanted to keep seeing me? I assuned this was because I was still with my wife and told her I was going to leave on my return to which she ignored the messages and changed the subject.

On my return I did leave my wife. It was heartbreaking telling the kids and her although I didn't tell them there was someone else to save their hurt (cowardly too I guess). When I text her then to tell her she virtually ignored me until the evening of that day when she came to the hotel I was staying in and met me in the car park. She said that I'd had my chance and I'd blown it.And how did it feel to be rejected like she'd been. We still hugged and kissed but she said that she couldn't change how rejected she'd felt and to go back to my wife. She said though that she still wanted to see me.
She then broke down in tears and after much prompting from me she confessed that after I'd rejected her she had taken tablets twice. She said the stress I was causing her had forced her back onto the drugs after 2 years clean. We hugged for a bit but I could tell she was still very angry with me.

I stayed in the hotel that night and we spoke the following morning and she said she still felt the same but would meet me in the afternoon for a walk. When we did she asked me to get in her car where she told me that she'd decided it was too stressful seeing me and that whilst she knew her life with her bf was rubbish that she needed to protect herself and that it was over.

After we parted I saw that she'd blocked me on whatsapp so assume my phone number is blocked too. I have gone back to my wife and will continue to live in a loveless marriage for sake of kids and for financial reasons. But I would give everything up for her.

My question is "should I give up? and should I move on?" or is she just hurt and scared and really actually needs me to be supportive. On the numerous times she's caused a split before when I've chased her (thats a strong term...its more that ive made the effort to contact her) she's admitted she was pushing to really see how much i cared and that she'd have been devastaed if I'd left her life.

I do think she has some mental issues but contrary to what most people would do I want to help her through these, she means that much to me.

Thoughts peeps?

  • Topic Stats
  • Top Replies
  • Link to this Topic
Type: Discussion • Score: 3 • Views: 2,186 • Replies: 4
No top replies

Reply Wed 15 Aug, 2018 11:43 am
she's an addict. Run like hell. Find a clean woman.
0 Replies
Reply Wed 15 Aug, 2018 12:07 pm
whatkindoffool wrote:
I have gone back to my wife and will continue to live in a loveless marriage for sake of kids and for financial reasons. But I would give everything up for her.

sounds like you would benefit from some counselling. on your own, with your wife and with your entire family.

Your wife needs the chance to be with someone who loves her and it appears that is not you. Work on ending the marriage in a good way. You owe that much to your wife and children. The children don't deserve to see either of their parents tolerating unhappy relationships. They can, and should, learn that there are better options.

Sort out your primary relationship before you try to be in a relationship with someone as scattered as your former/girlfriend. Neither of you appears to be in a good place to have a good, supportive relationship.


Long ago I heard someone say that the best relationship is one where both partners are putting in 150%, so that if there is a gap on one side on a bad day/week, there is still enough to hold it together.

Your ex/girlfriend certainly isn't giving 150% to any relationship, and neither are you.

Sort out/end the marriage and then see where you are.

Be honest with both of the women. Then (temporarily - at least 3 - 6 months ) put a full block on your ex/gf.
0 Replies
Reply Wed 15 Aug, 2018 05:12 pm
Here is THIS woman's perspective: You are both inconsiderate, selfish and untrustworthy. You took the vows, you fathered the kids, etc. Grow up.
0 Replies
Reply Wed 15 Aug, 2018 05:42 pm
whatkindoffool wrote:
I have gone back to my wife and will continue to live in a loveless marriage for sake of kids and for financial reasons. But I would give everything up for her.

There's not much to say, after that.
0 Replies

Related Topics

Depression after night together - Question by Missing-my-lover
My life turned into a movie.. - Discussion by Lossst
Cheating with controlling man - Question by Cpdgirl1622
is this an affair? - Question by jackieo1206
cheating - Question by jayn
My wife cheated - Discussion by Joe beach
cheating on my husband and confused - Question by blacktea
  1. Forums
  2. » Female perspective please
Copyright © 2023 MadLab, LLC :: Terms of Service :: Privacy Policy :: Page generated in 0.03 seconds on 12/05/2023 at 09:54:52