BARS, DRINKING, ALCOHOL JOKES

haha there all class

A very strange Bar

At least he isn't lying.

So Rene Descartes has been hanging out at this bar all day.
The bartender says, "You want another beer?"
Descartes says, "I think not..." and then he disappears.

12 shots
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

Drunk?

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk". The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely ure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

Walking

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car
parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer."I'm going to a lecture." he man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife," said the man.

BARS, DRINKING, ALCOHOL JOKES
A guy walks into the bar and ordered a drink from the blond bartender.
"Four bucks" she said handing him his drink. He gave her a twenty. She said "Sorry. Can't take it."
He fishes out a ten and hands it to her. "Sorry. I can't take it" she repeats.
"Can't take a ten. What kind of bar is this?" he asks.
She points to the sign above which clearly states "singles bar".

Man and his Ostrich go to a bar.
A man and an ostrich walk into a bar.
The man says, "I'll have a beer, and turns to the ostrich and says,"What's
yours?" "I'll have a beer too," says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please."
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for the
payment of the two beers.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again, and the man says, "I'll
have a beer," and the ostrich says, "How nice! I'll have the very same
thing." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact
change.

This becomes a routine, the man always ordering ... and the ostrich always
agreeing and ordering exactly the same drink, until late one evening, the
two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the bartender." Well, it's close to last call, so I'll
have a large Scotch," says the man." Same for me," says the ostrich
happily." That will be $7.20 says the bartender."Once again the man pulls
exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How
do you manage to always come up with the EXACT change out of your pocket
every time?"

"Well," says the man," several years ago I was cleaning an old attic and
found an old oil lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything at all, I
could just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of
money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender." Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something like that, but you'll always be as rich as you
need to be for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The bartender asks "One other thing, sir ... what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies "My second wish was for a really agreeable chick with long
legs."

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the barstool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a barstool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?

Four brewery company Presidents meet after work.
The President of Budweiser says, "Give me the King of Beers. I'll have a Budweiser."
The President of Miller Brewing says, "I want something that tastes great, but less filling. I'll have a Miller Lite."
The Coors President says, "I want a beer made from pure Rocky Mountain Spring water. Make mine a Coors."
The Guinness President says, "I'll have a Coke, please."

The other Presidents look at him in surprise. "A Coke? A Coke? Why are you ordering a Coke?"

"Well," said the Guinness President. "I figured if you other three guys weren't going to order BEER, I wouldn't either."

Thank you, Equus, that would be a VREY european beerdrinker joke! I luv it!

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich. The bartender is astounded! "I'v never seen anything like you in my life!"

"what, you've never seen a duck before?"

"I mean a talking duck, or a beer drinking duck!"

"Well," siad the duck, "I just took a job with a constructinon comany and I'm working on the new building across the street. I just came by for lunch."

So the duck went tot he same bar every day for weeks to get a beer and a sandwich for lunch. But one night, a ringmaster for a circus visited the bar.

"So you're a ringmaster ..." said the bartender. "What do you think of a talking duck?"

Ringmaster: "A TALKING duck?!"

Bartender: "Yes! He comes in here all the time!"

Ringmaster: "I'd love a talking duck in my circus! When can I meet this talking duck?"

Bartender: "Come here at lunch in two days"

The next day, the duck went to the bar as usual. The bartender approached the duck. "I think I might have found you a better paying job! In fact, they pay premium!"

Duck: "That well, eh? Who is it?"

Bartender: "The circus!"

Duck: "The circus? Like with lions, elephants, clowns and acrobats?"

Bartender: "That's right!"

Duck: "What does the circus want with a carpenter?!"

A fellow (not me tho) goes out drinking. It is pretty damn late when he decides to leave, but he decided to walk home.

Puts a leg in front on him. Splat! Falls on his face!

Hangs on to something, gets steady and takes another step. Splat! Falls on his face again!

'Jeez', he thinks, 'I am PRETTY drunk! Better crawl home'.

Crawls every inch home, crawls upstairs and crawls into bed next to his sleeping wife. 'Huh', he thinks, 'she's asleep - got away with it!!'.

Next morning he awakes to see his wife standing looking at him. 'You must have REALLY tied one on last night!'.

'What do you mean? You were asleep when I got home!'.

'Just had a call from the pub. You left your wheelchair behind!'.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it, " says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I gratuated in '62".

"This is unbelievable!",the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and gratuated in '62, too!"

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "Only the O'Malley twins getting pissed again!"

A drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk - can
hardly stand up. He slurs his way up to the bar and
says:

"Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!"

"No, no," says the bartender. "You've had too much
already."

The drunk spies a dart board behind the bar.

"Tell you what," he says. "If I can throw three bull's
eyes with that dart set would you let me have the
drink?"

"Sure," says the bartender, thinking the guy would
leave after the little game. He hands the drunk three
darts. "Look out, everybody!"

Zot, zot, zot. The drunk throws three quick bull's
eyes.

Well, the bartender had never seen anything like that
before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he
makes a martini and sets it before the drunk. He then
puts a napkin next to the drink and sets a turtle on
it.

"What's this," says the drunk.

"That's a prize for such fine dart throwing," says the bartender.

The drunk drinks his martini, picks up the turtle,
puts it in his coat pocket, and leaves.

Well, the next night, the same drunk goes into the
same bar. Again, he is hopelessly inebriated; totally
faced.

"Bartender," he says. "Gimme a martini!"

"No, no," says the bartender. "You're too drunk
already. Go home."

Again the drunk notices the darts.

"If I can throw three bull's eyes would you gimme the
martini?" he asks.

The bartender thinks, "This guy can't be that lucky
again. I'll get rid of him."

"Sure, sure," he says, handing the darts over.

Bip, bip, bip. Three bull's eyes.

"Holy cow," says the bartender, and he gives the drunk
guy a martini. Again, he sets a turtle next to it.

"What's this?" asks the drunk.

"That's a prize for being such a good shot."

"Oh," says the drunk, and he quaffs his martini, puts
the turtle in his coat pocket, and leaves.

Believe it or not, the very next night the same drunk
enters the same bar.

"Gimme a martini!" he demands.

"No, no," says the bartender. "You've been overserved
already. Get on home."

Spying the dart board once more, the drunk guy
says:"Would tossing three bull's eyes prove that I'm
not overserved?"

The bartender can't believe that anybody this drunk
could possibly hit the dart board, let alone get three
bull's eyes.

"OK," he says, forking over the three darts.

The drunk deftly grabs all three darts and tosses them simultaneously.

Thwock! All three darts land solidly in the bull's
eye!

"Unbelievable!" says the incredulous bartender. True
to his word, he prepares a martini and sets it before
the drunk guy. He then lays a beautiful long-stem rose
on the bar next to the cocktail.

"What's this?" asks the drunk.

"That's a special prize for being so good at darts,"
says the bartender.

"Oh," says the drunk. "All out of roast beef on a hard
roll, huh?"

Ewwwwwwwwwwww!!!

A bear goes into a bar, slams his paw on the counter and orders a pint.
Barman says - "Sorry, I don't serve bears, particularly bears that bang the bar."
The bear is furious and, picking up a bar-stool, smashes it on the floor. "Now will you give me a pint", he roars.
Barman: "Sorry, I don't serve bears, particularly bears that bang the bar and break the bar-stools."
The bear is apoplectic. He bares (sorry) his jaws and takes a huge chunk
from the bar-counter and screamed: "Give me a pint now".
The barman said: "Sorry, I don't serve bears, particularly bears that bang the bar, break the bar-stools and take drugs."
Bear: "Take drugs? What do you mean? I don't take drugs".
Barman: "Well, what about that bar-bit-you-ate?"

very punny!

Fellow is just about to enter a bar when he is bailed up by a nun.

"How dare you sup of the divil's own brew!!", she berates him.

"Sister", he says, "You really can't say that if you haven't yet tried a drink, now can you?"

"I suppose not, young man"

"How about I buy you a gin and tonic. You can try it and then you can make up your mind how bad it is"

"OK young fellow, I'll take you up on that. But could you have the barman put it in teacup? It would not be good for me to be seen drinking outside such an establishment".

Fellow goes inside. "Barman, I'll have a pint and a gin and tonic - but, could you put that in a teacup?"

"****", says the barman, "That fu*king nun's back AGAIN??!!".

26..26..26..
Jack's in a hurry crossing road and accidentlly drops his wallet with 1000 dollars into a Man-hole opened in the middle of the crossing. He waits for all vehicles to pass by and rushes to the man hole. Another man is standing there looking into the man-hole.

"Excuse me mister! did u see my wallet dropped into this man-hole? It had 1000 dollars", Jacks asks
"26", the other man prompts
"No not 26, its 1000", Jack says. He realises that the man is drunk.
"26", man raises his voice
"1000", Jack confirms
"26", the man shouts again
"1000", Jack shouts back
"26", The Man is vigorosly pointing at the man-hole now.
Jack is curious and bows down to take a good view inside the man-hole. Meanwhile the man takes a quick sip of the martini from the bottle & kicks Jack's butt. Jack falls into the man-hole.
"Well that would make them 27 now", concludes the man.