BARS, DRINKING, ALCOHOL JOKES

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says: "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen." "No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a "splat." Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"

The bum replied, "No."

Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Old man O'Malley had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the Widow O'Malley of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"Knowing Brian O'Malley as well as I did, I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's room."

Have you heard about the new cocktail, the "Lee Harvey Wallbanger?" It's the same drink, but it uses THREE SHOTS.

A Texan goes to Ireland on vacation. Being a Texan, he's naturally a very greagarious and competitive fellow, so he gets it into his head that he'll make friends by challenging all comers in a pub to a drinking contest.

So he walks into the first pub he comes across, and says to the publican, "I hear you boys over here think you can drink a little bit. Well, I'll challenge the hardiest, rottenest drunk you got to any drinking contest you'd care to propose."

The publican nods seriously, and calls Seamus over to the bar. "Seamus, you wager you can beat this yank in a drinking contest?"

Seamus nods to the Texan, shakes his hand. "I think I could do it. What's the wager?"

The publican says, "I'll line up twelve pints of the black stuff along the bar for each of you. Whoever can drink the most without stopping or spilling a drop is the winner."

"I'll need to think on that one," says Seamus, and walks out of the bar.

The Texan is confused by Seamus's departure, but the publican starts pulling pints.

"Is he coming back?" asks the Texan. When the publican doesn't answer, he just shrugs and sits down at the bar.

A fair amount of time passes. The publican pulls 24 pints and lines them up along the bar.

Finally Seamus comes back in. "All right, I'm ready," he says.

The publican says, "All right, the wager's on. Each of you start at opposite ends of the bar. You can't stop drinking, and you can't spill a drop. Whoever gets the farthest will be the victor."

Seamus and the Texan each start in at their end of the row of pints, both drinking fast and neatly. The Texan's in the middle of his eighth pint when he sputters, and spills his Guinness all over the bar. Seamus keeps going, and not only finishes his twelve pints, but also the other four of the Texan's, without so much as a dribble on his chin.

The Texan is drunk and amazed. "That's the most incredible thing I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot," he says. "Just tell me: where were you all that time before we started.

Seamus blushes and looks at the ground. "Oh," he says, "I wasn't sure if I could do it, so I went to another pub up the street and tried it there first."

A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Fred?"

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Hey, is the bar tender here?"

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here."
"Why not?" says the mushroom. "I'm a fungi."

An Englishman, and Irishman, and a Scotsman ordered pints of Ale at the local pub. As fate would have it, each of their drinks had a fly swimming in it.
The Englishman called the tavernkeeper over and said, "There's a fly in my Ale- throw this out and give me another."
The Irishman simply flicked the fly out of his own drink and continued drinking.
The Scotsman pulled the fly out of his drink, started squeezing it between his thumb and forefinger, and said to the fly, "Alright, spit it out! Spit it out!"

A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink. Barkeep says, "Sorry, we don't serve ropes here." The rope goes back outside, kinks himself up, musses up his hair, and goes back into the bar. Barkeep says, "Say, ain't you the rope who just came in here?" Rope says, "I'm a frayed knot."

Due to increasing products liability litigation, Irish beer brewers have accepted the suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause people in clubs to appear better looking than they actually are. (not to mention the lighting wonders for their looks)

At the end of the night a man leaves the bar.

Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face. Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over.

He proceeds to kick her several times and when he's done he bends down to her and says, "not so tough tonight, are you Batman?"

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear. Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, we're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut caught in his ear. The boyfriend then asked, before you go can I try to dislodge it. The boyfriend then stuck two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow. The father blew and out popped the beer nut. The mother then asked the father, our daughters boyfriend is so intelligent, what do you think he'll be when he grows up. The father replied, by the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

A guy goes into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks what he will have and the guy says he will have a beer AND a shot. "Big night?" asked the barkeep. "I'll say. I just had my first blowjob tonight!" The bartender says "That's great! These drinks will be on the house!" As he puts them down, the guys says "Thanks! These should help get the taste out of my mouth.

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.

The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.

"When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.

"I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison ..."

The Budweiser Method for Rating Women

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they "discuss" her "rating," which is on a 1 to 10 scale.

One says, "I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty." Another agrees, and so does the third.

The bartender, while bringing a new round of drinks to their table, overhears their rating of the young lass. He checks her out himself and says, "Nah, I'd only give her a 3."

"A 3? How can you give her a 3?" says one of the three guys at the table. "She's a real pretty girl."

The bartender, walking away, says, "Well, I use the Budweiser method for rating women."

The guys look at each other, figure the bartender has lousy taste in women, and go back to their ratings. Moments later, another young lady, prettier than the last, walks into the bar, and they confer between themselves and decide she deserves a 9.

However, the bartender, wiping off the table nearest to theirs, again overhears their rating of the gal. He checks her out himself and tells the fellows that he'd only give her a 5.

"A 5? How can you give her just a 5? She's absolutely gorgeous!"
The bartender casually replies that he uses the Budweiser method for rating women.

"The Budweiser method?" they puzzle, as the bartender returns to his post behind the bar. They are quite confused.

Three, maybe four minutes pass by, and then a stunning blonde, 5'11" goddess walks into the bar. Long luscious legs, sexy shape. Truly a work of flawless perfection. Without hesitation, the three "judges" at the table determine that this young sultress is, without any doubt, a 10.

However, carrying a case of beer past them to restock the supply behind the bar, the bartender once more overhears their rating of the girl. He glances studiously at her, and says that the best, the very best that he could give her, would be a 7.

"A 7 ?!? How in the world could you give her just a mere 7? She's friggin' gorgeous!"

"Well," says the bartender again, "I use the Budweiser method for rating women."

"Budweiser!" says one of the guys, exasperated. "What in the hell is this 'Budweiser method' for rating women?"

"Well, says the bartender, "the Budweiser method for rating women is the number of Clydesdales it would take to pull me off her."

The Bush Twins

A Scotsman goes into his favorite pub. There at the bar is a beautiful barmaid.

The Scotsman looks at the barmaid, and in a thick Scottish brogue says,

"You are prettier than any stamp in my collection".

To which the barmaid replies,

"Philately will get you nowhere"!

A head rolls into a bar, hops up onto a stool, and orders a beer. After drinking the beer, he magically grows a neck and shoulders. After his second beer he grows a torso, the third beer gets him arms, and his last beer gets him legs. He stands up, thanks the bartender, and turns to leave. As he is leaving the bar he trips, falls, breaks his neck and dies.

Well, the bartender had been watching all of this, and said "he should have stopped when he was ahead".

I know, it's awful, but it's the only drinking joke I could remember.

Right, the same head goes into another bar. 'Right', he says, 'I'll play anyone in this bar in the game of darts'.

'How ya gonna go that?', says the barkeep.

'Easy', says the head, 'just put the end of that dart in my mouth'.

'And then what? You gonna spit the dart out?'.

'No. Throw the board at my face'.

Seal goes into a bar.

Barman says, "What'll it be?"

"Anything but a Canadian Club".