RELIGIOUS JOKES

Hilarious, au!

I remember a similar one about a kid who identified the three men thrown into the fiery furnace (Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego) as Your shack, my shack, and a bungalow.

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her
eighties and had
never been married. She was much admired for her
sweetness and
kindness toall. The pastor came to call on her one
afternoon early in the
spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian
parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little
tea. As he sat facing
her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a
cut glass bowl sitting
on top of it, filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a
condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his
curiosity! Surely
Miss Bea had flipped or something...! When she
returned with tea and
cookies, they began to chat. The
pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the
bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of
him, and he could resist
no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you
would tell me about
this?" (pointing to the bowl). "Oh, yes," she
replied, "isn't it
wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I
found this little
package on the ground. The directions said to put
it on the organ, keep
it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you
know... I haven't had a
cold all winter."

For those of you who haven't had a flu shot

G-d said, "Noah, you have what no other man on earth can ever have."
Noah: "Fruits everywhere and nature living in complete harmony?"
G-d: "You are the only man without a mother in law."

Adam and his sons Cain and Abel were hiking through the wilderness, and came upon a ridge overlooking a valley lush with vegetation and beautiful scenery.
"You see that, boys?" asked Adam. "That's where your mother and I used to live, before she ate us out of house and home."

Especially for frank
I was testing the children in my
Sunday school class to see
if they understood the concept of
getting to heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and
my car, had a big
garage sale and gave all my money to
the church, would
that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day,
mowed the yard, and
kept everything neat and tidy, would
that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile. Hey,
this was fun!

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals
and gave candy to
all the children, and loved my
husband, would that get me
into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for
them.

Well, I continued, "then how can I get
into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out,

"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed
>two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes.
>As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning
>ladies."
>
>The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with
>you." But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the
>other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."
>This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A
>little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters
>who had been teaching at the convent for several years.
>
>She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may
>God give you wisdom for our students today." "Good morning, Mother
>Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."
>
>But again, after pass ing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the
>wrong side of bed today." Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken
>harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more
>pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary
>approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather
>deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on
>her face, before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so
>happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and
>grants you a wonderful day." "Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank
>you. I see you got upon the wrong side of bed this morning."
>
>Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have
>tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said
>that abou t me." Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother
>Superior in the face. "Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's
just that
>you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers.Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed
>two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes.
>As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning
>ladies."
>
>The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with
>you." But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the
>other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."
>This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A
>little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters
>who had been teaching at the convent for several years.
>
>She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may
>God give you wisdom for our students today." "Good morning, Mother
>Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."
>
>But again, after pass ing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the
>wrong side of bed today." Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken
>harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more
>pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary
>approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather
>deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on
>her face, before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so
>happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and
>grants you a wonderful day." "Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank
>you. I see you got upon the wrong side of bed this morning."
>
>Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have
>tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said
>that abou t me." Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother
>Superior in the face. "Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's
just that
>you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers.

VACATIONS

G-d decided he needed a vacation. One of his aides suggested Venus.

"Forget it," G-d said, "I went there 10,000 years ago and got sunburned."

Another aide suggested Jupiter.

"No way," God replied, "I went there 5,000 years ago and froze my butt off."

A third advisor suggested Earth.

"That's the worst of all," G-d answered angrily, "I was there 2,000 years ago and they're still accusing me of getting some Jewish girl pregnant.

Just before Rosh Hashanah, a man hears that in San Francisco there's a gay
synagogue. He's very excited, as this sounds like what he's been yearning for.

He gets there, and sure enough, there's a gay chazzan and a gay rabbi, and
the congregation too is mostly gay. He joins in the service, but is terribly
distracted by the handsome young man sitting next to him. (There's really no
good place to put a divider in a gay synagogue.)

Finally, he gives in to temptation and puts his hand on the young man's
knee. Immediately two large men wearing leather jackets under their tallises rush
over, pick him up, carry him out of the sanctuary, and toss him down the
stairs onto the street.

"Why did you do that?" he cries. "I thought this was a gay synagogue." "It
is," replies one of his ejectors, in a deep voice. "But nobody messes with the
rebbitzen."

For those who do not know a rebbitzen is the Rabbi's wife.

I hope this one isn't already posted. I laugh out loud as I read this one.


> While making his Saturday Confession, this golfer told the priest,
"Father,
> I've used profanity and taken the name of the Lord in vain. However, I
only
> do it when I play golf, and then only when I get angry."
>
> The Priest said, "My son, you know, I play golf, too. But I can't imagine
> getting angry enough over a game to take the Lord's name in vain. Can you
> give me an example?"
>
> The golfer replied, "Sure. Take this last Saturday. I hit this beautiful
> tee shot on the 7th fairway -- dead center and about 290 yards. It hit
the
> only rock in the fairway, took a 90 degree carom, and flew into the rough.
"
>
> The priest thought for a moment and then he said "I understand perfectly
my
> son. Is that when you took our Dear Lord's name in vain?"
>
> "No Father, I didn't become that angry over it. I went after the ball,
and
> hit a marvelous iron that curved around a tree and went directly towards
the
> green. Imagine my surprise when the ball hit a bird on the wing and
dropped
> into a sand trap!"
>
> At this point the Priest was entirely sympathetic with the sinner. He said
> "My son, did you invoke The Lords name then?"
>
> The sinner explained "No father. I controlled my temper, found my inner
> strength, and I chipped it out of the trap, laying it but six inches from
> the cup."
>
> Whereupon the priest exclaimed, "Jesus Christ, don't tell me you missed
> the f***ing putt?!?
>
>
>
>

Subject: Joke


A housewife takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.



Unbeknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly so she hid her lover in the closet.



The boy now has company.

Boy: “Dark in here”

Man: “yes it is”

Boy: “I have a baseball”

Man: “that’s nice”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”

Man: “No thanks”

Boy: “My Dad’s outside”

Man: “Okay, How much”

Boy: “$250”



A few weeks later it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: “Dark in here”

Man: “Yes it is”

Boy: “I have a baseball glove:

Man: “How much?”

Boy: “$750”
Man: “Fine”



A few days later the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball”
The boy says “I can’t, I sold them.”

The father asks “How much did you sell them for?”

The son says “$1000.”

The father says “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”



They go to church and the father alerts the priest and make s the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.



The boy says “Dark in here”



The priest says “Don’t start that **** again”

Hey!! I don't care whose kid you are. Get that cross off my lawn!!

THE TEN SUGGESTIONS By David M. Bader
From his book "How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew"

It was Moses who led the Jews out of slavery in Egypt and into the desert where he gave them the Ten Commandments. (The Eleventh Commandment -- "Find water!" -- is no longer in effect.) Extremely Reform Jews maintain that they were not really "Commandments" at all but just "Suggestions," and that Moses looked very dehydrated when he delivered them.

The Ten Suggestions

1. I am the Lord thy God and thou shalt have not too many other Gods besides me.

2. Thou shalt make no graven images. This is a major religion, not a shop class.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of Adonai thy God in vain without the express written consent of Adonai thy God. The name "Adonai thy God" is the sole property of Adonai thy God. Any use of the name of Adonai thy God without the express written consent of Adonai thy God is unauthorized and illegal and shall be punished by Adonai thy God.

4. Remember the Sabbath, thy squash game and thy other appointments.

5. Honor thy single parent.

6. Thou shalt not kill a man just to watch him die.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and then run for office.

8. Thou shalt not steal. (Note: Not really applicable to car radios.)

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor when appearing before Judge Wapner.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, his servants, his flocks, or his power tools.

A pregnant young woman wanted an abortion, but when
she was examined it showed the pregnancy was too far
along, and she would have to have the child.

When told so by the doctor she broke down and cried."I can't
have a baby now," she said, "There must be something you can
do to help me !"

The doctor thought about this for a while, and then he came
up with an idea: "There's bound to be someone in this hospital
for an appendix operation when you give birth. We'll just give
her your baby and tell her it wasn't her appendix after all."

The young lady agreed to his plan, but when she was giving
birth there were no women in the small hospital in for an appendix
operation. In fact, the only person who was available, was an old
priest, with a prostate problem. The doctor, realizing the gravity
of the situation and desperate to keep his promise, figured he
might as well try anyway, so while the priest was sleeping, the
doctor lay the newborn at his side, and slipped away.

The priest was overwhelmed. Convinced this was just another
miraculous miracle, he took his little son home. The years passed
and his son grew to become a fine boy. The priest was now very
old and sick, and finally he called his son to his deathbed.

"There is something I have to tell you," said the priest, "I am
not your father."

His son looked at him in unbelievable surprise.

The priest went on; "I am your mother...the bishop is your father."

J E W I S H H A I K U

After the warm rain
the sweet smell of camellias.
did you wipe your feet?


Her lips near my ear,
aunt Sadie whispers the name
of her friend's disease.

Today I am a man.
Tomorrow I will return
to the seventh grade.

Testing the warm milk
on her wrist, she sighs softly.
But her son is forty.

Why do Jews get circumcised??

They like everything 10% off

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.

The Pope says, "What can I do?"

The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words. "So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."

So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

Subject: Sweet Little Old Ladies




There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"

Silence fell upon the congregation as no one dared to challenge the thought. In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said: "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much,
we wear rubbers!"

Don't you just love little old ladies!

God is sitting in heaven when a scientist speaks to Him. "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing, in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt , form it into the likeness of you and, using new techniques recently discovered in microbiology, breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's very interesting, show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.

"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."