RELIGIOUS JOKES

It's ancient Rome, and a hapless Christian is thrown into the colisseum with a ravenous lion. For half an hour, while the crowd roared with glee, the Christian managed to outrun the lion. But feeling himself weakening, the Christian decided to turn to Heaven for assistance.
"Dear lord!" begged the victim. "Please make this lion a Christian. Please, lord, make this lion a Christian!"
Just then, the clouds parted, and a shaft of light beamed down upon the lion.
The lion stopped in its tracks, knelt to the ground and prayed, "Dear lord, for this meal I am about to receive I thank thee humbly...."

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "you know sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth--to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 200 Euros for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind." He paused for a moment and then said, "I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.
They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
Finally God said, "Pipe down now, Satan. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.
But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every bad word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics
of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the
bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have
been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring
and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know
how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent
treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy?"

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer. . . . . . .for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

The head Cardinal rushes in to see the Pope.
"Your Holiness! I have good news and bad news!"
"What is the good news?" asked the Pope
"Jesus Christ is on the phone. He says he's come back to Earth to reward believers in the One True Religion."
"That IS good news," said the Pope. "But what is the bad news?"
"He was calling from Salt Lake City."

Religious Jokes
Thank You au1929 and bigdice67.
tekana you're simply superb.

CHRISTMAS STAMPS

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

Mrs. Rosenberg many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."

Mrs. Rosenberg said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."

The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know I converted to Christianity."

The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."

"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."

"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night."

"The rabbi gets the fees, but it's the mohel who gets all the tips.

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A man passed a store window with nothing in it but a clock, stepped inside, and asked, "How long would it take to fix my watch?"
"How should I know?" Shrugged the baleboss. "I don't fix watches. I'm a mohel."
"But - in your window - you have a clock!"
"So what would you put in the window?"

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For those who don't know: A mohel (rhymes with doyle) is a person who holds no spot of respect in the Jewish hierarchy, he is a technician and the only surgery he is trained to perform is the Bris, the male circumcision ritual for babies.

Jokes courtesy of "The Joys of Yiddish" by Leo Rosten.

Centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert, or
leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so
the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the
leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in
Italy. If the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to
represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian or
Latin and the Pope spoke no Hebrew or Yiddish, they all agreed that
it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other
for a full minute, before the Pope raised his hand and showed three
fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed
to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up, and declared that he was beaten, that
Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.

The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the
Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that
there is still only one God common to both our beliefs."

"Then, I waved my finger, to show him that God was all around us. He
responded by pointing to the ground, to show that God was also right
here with us."

"I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all
our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
He had me beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe.

"What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Reb Moishe, "First he said
to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him,
'Up yours...'

"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews,
and I said to him, 'Mr. Pope, we're staying right here.' "

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Reb Moishe. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

Very good, au, very good!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords - the crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all.

The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd.

Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen,"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice - they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me." So the Pope slapped her.

(warning: offensive language)


Okay, so G-d impregnated Mary, right?

And G-d is the same as Jesus and the Holy ghost, right?

So what does that make Jesus?



A ************
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Jesus: "Let he among us who is without sin cast the first stone"

A stone flies out from the crowd, hitting the prostitute square between the eyes

Jesus: "Not YOU, mother."

This guy just stumbled out of a bar pretty wasted and started down the street corner.

Underneath the street lights there was a nun walking along when the man grabs her and shoves her up to the wall.

His breath smelled horribly and the nun was frightened he would kill her.
Then the man looked up at her and said,
"I'VE GOT YOU NOW BATMAN!"

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?" St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.

Catholic Elementary school Test

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling.If you know the Bible,
even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a Catholic
elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the old and new
testaments.The following statements about the Bible were written by
children.They have not been retouched nor corrected. (i.e.,
incorrect spelling has been left in).

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the
world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an Apple tree. Noah's wife was called
Joan of
Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during
the night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble
with unsympathetic Genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like
Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the Jews to the Red sea where they made unleavened bread which
is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert, Afterwards, Moses went up
to Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews
in the
battle of Geritol.

12. The greates miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand
still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought
the
Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in bibical times.

14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus
in the
manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St.John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before
they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat
alone.

20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostals.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.