RELIGIOUS JOKES

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trapdoor and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.
"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius, the Pilot.

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

So Jesus and his Apostles were wandering through villages near the Sea of Gallilee, healing the sick and spreading the Love of God.
They came to a small town just as an angry crowd had gathered, preparing to stone an 'unclean' woman to death.
Jesus strode into the midst of the crowd, and in a commanding voice cried, "Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone!"
The crowd hushed. One by one the people bowed their heads, dropped their stones to the ground, and began to move away.
Suddenly, a large stone flew out from the back of the crowd, hit the unclean woman square in the forehead and killed her.
Jesus sighed, tapped his foot with indignation and said, "You know, Mom, sometimes you really p*** me off!"

Religious Prediction

Father O'Malley answers the phone:

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that **** again"

The coach of the Yeshiva University skull team can't understand why they always lose against Yale, so he goes to investigate.
He comes back after a couple of days, gets the team together, and says, "We've been doing everything backwards. At Yale they have eight people rowing, and one shouting."

Mickey and Moise grow up in the same neighborhood, both feel the call, and go, respectively, to the seminary and the schule. Mickey becomes the parish priest, and Moise the rabbi. After a live of service to their community, they both retire.

Sitting on the park bench in the warm sunshine one day, Mickey turns to Moise, and asks:

"So, Moise, have you ever eaten a ham sandwich?"

"Well, yeah, i'm not really that strict, but i kept it from my family and friends--it was quite good in fact."

There is a pause . . .

"So tell me, Mickey . . . did you ever try sex?"

Blushing, stammering a little: "Well, yeah, a couple of times actually, before i left the seminary."

"Beats the hell out of pork, doesn't it?"

It is proven that Jesus was Italian.
Why?
1. He lived with his parents until he was thirty.
2. His mother and father told him he was God.
3. He was convinced his mother was a virgin.

It is proven that Jesus was Portorican.
Why?
1. His name was Jesus.
2. He never had a permanent job.
3. He often got in trouble with the law.

It is proven that Jesus was black.
Why?
1. His dad wasn't really his dad.
2. He hung out with a gang of men friends.
3. He was executed.

What Causes Arthritis?"

A drunk man who smelled like gin sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a
half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened
his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the
priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too
much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with
prostitutes and lack of bath."

Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

In confession, a woman says to the priest: "Father, I have horribly sinned. I have become a prostitute."
"WHAAAAAAT?" shouted the alarmed priest, followed after a pause by: "Oh. Whew! Nevermind. I thought you said you had become a PROTESTANT."

Moishe Cohen is walking down a street in Belfast (N. Ireland) when a sectarian gang comes round the corner and challenges him:

" Are you a Protestant or a Catholic ?"

"I'm Jewish" says Moishe

"...but are you a Protestant Jew or a Catholic Jew !?

(Apocryphal - but possibly true!)

Christmas

The Teacher, Ms. Pelzner, was very curious about how each of her
students
celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy.
"Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked.
Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Pelzner, me and my twelve
brothers
and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home
very
late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings.
Then
all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all
our
toys."
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at
Christmas?"
Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and
we
sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the
chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa
Claus to bring our presents, " Jimmy replied. "That's also very nice
Jimmy," she
said.
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave
him
out of the discussion, she asked Isaac Cohen the same question.
"Now Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?" Isaac said, "Well we
also sing carols!" Surprised, Mrs. Jones questioned further. "Tell us
what
you sing.
"Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office.
We
all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we
get
inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing," What a
friend
we have in Jesus." Then we all go to the Bahamas.

Subject: 4 Catholic women

Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together
and discussing how
wonderful their children are.

The first mother tells her friends, My son is a
priest. When he walks into
a room, everyone calls him Father.

The second Catholic woman chirps, Well, my son is a
Bishop. Whenever he
walks into a room, people say, Your Grace.

The third Catholic woman says smugly, Well, not to
put you down, but my son
is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room,
people say, Your Eminence.

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in
silence. The first three women
give her a subtle, Well? She replies, My son is a
handsome, 6' 2"
hard-bodied, Chippendale's male stripper. Whenever
he walks into a room,
all the girls say, Oh, my God!

What is an Amish woman's fantasy?

--Two Mennonite.

Warning: Don't Step on the Ducks!



Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"


The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.




St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.



The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"


The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Why was Jesus born in a manger?
--Because Mary belonged to an HMO.

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a
pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the
parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you be
saying a mass for the creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in
the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling
what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to
donate for the service?"

Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Why don't the Amish go waterskiing?
--Because the horses would drown.


Sven caught a bad case of the flu and was bedridden for several days. "Please," he asked his wife, "Have Father O'Brien drop by this afternoon and give me a blessing."
"Father O'Brien? A Catholic Priest?" asked his startled wife. "But Sven, we're Lutherans!"
"What?" answered Sven, "I should get Reverend Halvorson sick?"

2 priests were playing golf one fine afternoon when the 1st priest missed a 1 meter putt.
"damn, missed the buggar" exclaims the priest. the 2nd priest looking agitated says "you really shouldnt say things like that".
on the next hole the 1st priest misses a 1 yard putt. "damn, missed the buggar" he exclaims again. this time the 2nd priest puts his foot down, "if you repeat that foul language one more time, god is going to open the heavans and send a lightning bolt down to meet you".
on the next hole the priest misses a 1 foot putt. "damn, missed the buggar" he screams in anger.. sure enough, the clouds part and a lightning bolt hits the wrong priest. then gods deep voice is heard over the land "DAMN, MISSED THE BUGGAR"