POLITICAL JOKES

Very nice, ceili!

I just noticed that I'd come up with a couple of jokes that had been posted. My apologies.

Here's another:


In an Eastern European country during the Cold War. Husband goes out to buy some meat. There's a huge queue and it takes hours. When he does get to the counter, they're out of meat.

He's angry and walks off cursing the government and the whole Soviet Union. Just as he reaches an alley a figure in a trenchcoat steps out. "You'd better watch what you say comrade". The figure makes a gun gesture with his fingers, "Or you know what will happen".

He gets home and his wife asks, "Out of meat, are they?".

"Even worse. They're out of bullets too".

Subject: WMD news


At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to
be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while
in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a
calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is
being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y"
and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country.

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to
every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes.

Globalization
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on! Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an American,
using Bill Gates's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that use Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization...

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am president, I could have a gold urinal, too. But I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, "I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

Very funny, au1929!

Enjoy While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"There's no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, and he goes down, down, down into Hell.

The doors open, and he finds himself in the middle of a beautiful green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens on Heaven where St.Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St.Peter returns.

"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, you must choose where you want to spend eternity."

He reflects for a minute and then answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better satisfied in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down, down he goes into Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot, hot, hot and the odor is just horrible.

Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "The day before yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at the senator, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning ... today you voted for us."

Bump

A english man ,american and a chinese are talking about their shooting skill. so they find a japanese guy and let him stand 50 yards away from these three guys. putting an apple on his hand and a nuts on his head.
the english man shot first, he took the gun and shot, the apple explowed. then he said:" see, i am 007!"
next is the american, he shot the nut. he said :" i am cow boy"
chinese took his gun and shot the japanese to death. he turned over and said to the other two guys:" i am sorry"

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a lightbulb?

The Answer is SEVEN.

(1) one to deny that a lightbulb needs to be replaced

(2) one to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the lightbulb

(3) one to blame the previous administration for the need of a new lightbulb

(4) one to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of lightbulbs

(5) one to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a lightbulb

(6) one to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the lightbulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag

(7) and finally, one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing in a lightbulb and screwing the country.


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Governmentium
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science.
The new element has been named "Governmentium ".

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons,
giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes
every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes
one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes
a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons
to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate
that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass".

You will know it when you see it...

Official Schedule of the Republican National Convention
Official Schedule of the Republican National Convention
August 30, 2004

6:00 PM Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell with Pat Robertson assisting
6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment)
6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 PM Seminar #1: Getting Your Kid a Military Deferment
7:30 PM Freedom fries served
7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury: It's What's for Dinner
8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM Call 911 to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture #1: The Homos Are After Your Children
8:30 PM Round table discussion on reproductive rights (men only)
8:50 PM Seminar #2 with Ken Lay: Corporations: Government of the Future
9:00 PM Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man of Mine"
9:05 PM EPA Address #2: Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires
9:30 PM break for secret meetings
10:00 PM Second prayer led by Cal Thomas
10:15 PM Karl Rove Lecture: Doublespeak Made Simple
10:30 PM Don Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: Putting Training Wheels on George Bush's Bike
10:35 PM Bush demonstrates trademark "deer-in-headlights" stare while riding his tricycle with Dan Quayle
10:40 PM John Ashcroft Demonstration: New mandatory Kevlar chastity belt
10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of black Republicans
10:46 PM Seminar #3: Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy
11:10 PM Hillary Clinton Pinata
11:20 PM John Ashcroft Lecture #2: Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult
11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies
11:45 PM Nomination of George W. Bush as the Holy of Holies
11:50 PM Closing prayer led by Jesus himself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jay Leno


David Letterman


Jon Stewart


Dave Letterman

Great stuff, man!

BTW, love your tag-line!

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Petertells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a
blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.  Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for
credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"  Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."  Picasso erases Einstein' s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.  Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
 
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"  Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

RUNNING EAGLE

During a campaign tour of the Apache Nation Wednesday, Democratic
presidential candidate John Kerry said he had a plan to increase
every Native American's income by $40,000 a year.

Senator Kerry refused repeated requests for details of his plan, however. He also told the Apaches
that during his Senate career, he has voted YES for every Indian issue
ever introduced.

Before his departure, the Apache Tribe presented the Presidential
candidate a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, Running Eagle.
After Kerry left, tribal officials explained that Running Eagle is a
bird so full of **** it can't fly.

Commuting

Bill and Hillary and George and Laura arrived at the train station at the same time and exchanged niceties. The Bushs were puzzled however when the Clintons only purchased one ticket. When they asked, Bill smiled and said, "Watch and learn."

As they entered the VIP car, Bill and Hillary crowded into one small restroom. When the conductor came by he knocked on the door: "Ticket please".

Bill cracked the door, stuck out his hand with the ticket and the conductor went on. George and Laura, watching, nodded solemnly.

The next week the Clintons and Bushs again arrived at the same train station. The Clintons bought their one ticket. The Bushs didn't buy a ticket. Bill had to ask. George smiled and said, "Watch and learn."

The two couples entered the VIP car and Bill and Hillary crowded into one small restroom and George and Laura crowded into the one directly across.

After a moment George exited the restroom and knocked on the other restroom door saying, "Ticket please."