POLITICAL JOKES

Bush Country

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

Bush Goes For A Jog

George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are injured." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

Medical Miracles

An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House for four years, and now half the country is looking for work."

Eyes Wide Shut

George w. Bush is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?"

The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."

George W. laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"

"Republicans," the child says.

"Oh that's cute," George W. says and he runs off.

A couple of days later George is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.

George W. says to Dick, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to the boy with the box. George W. says, "Look in the box Dick, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are."

The boy replies, "They're Democrats."

"Whoa!", George W. says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What's up?"

"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now"

A man is standing on the highway, bumper to bumper, nothing moving, when suddenly a man is tapping his window. He rolls the window down and asks " What's up? Can I help you?" The other guy answers "President Bush has been kidnapped by fanatic muslims! They demand ten million dollars, or they'll douse him with gas and set him on fire. So we're kinda passing the bucket and collecting." "Well, I'll be glad to help. How much are people giving?" "About a gallon each."

hahahahaha!!!!! Those are a riot, LOL!

ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start Own Clubs

Beijing (SatireWire.com) ? Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.


Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."


Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.


"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.


"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."


THE AXIS PANDEMIC


International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.


Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.


With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Sometimes Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.


"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.


While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.


Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

Liberal Spin On The News
Liberal Spin on the News

The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac...sailing on the presidential yacht. They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."

Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning, the Washington Post carries a story, with front page photos, of the event. The banner headline is


"Bush Can't Swim"

Very Very Good!

Longish one here, you can adjust it to fit local conditions.


Our PM is upset by his standing in the rural community. So he gets a bus, packs in the front bench and hits the road to 'meet the people'.

Couple of days later, they're in the back of nowhere when the bus bursts a tyre and spins out of control and crashes. A farmer, whose property it is, comes out to see what's happened. He sees all the politicians strewn across the road, brings in his backhoe and buries them all in a big grave.

Next day he goes into town to report this to the police.

The sargent gasps, "The PM's bus! Wrecked and all of them killed!"

"Yep"

"No this is VERY important. You sure ALL of them were dead?"

"Well, some's of them said they weren't, but you know what liars those bastards are".

Yup, alying bunch they are! :-) :-):-)

A good Russian joke:

Once Yeltsin comes to Clinton and tells him: "Give me money, my friend Bill". Clinton replies: "Ok, guy, but just help me to complete this what I never can with Monica" - "Oh, you know, Bill, I have so poor health..." - "Nevermind, simply do it with your hand". Yeltsin does what he has been asked, receives money and returns to Moscow. In Moscow he sees that his hand is becoming badly sick - it has covered by bloodshedding sores and looks awfully. No doctor, no medicine can help him. Eventually the FSB brings to Yeltsin a very old man from Siberia - the greatest expert of the untraditional medical science. The old man says: "There is the only medicine able to save your hand - it's a wonderful watersource in Siberia near the Balkail Lake. Go there and wash your hand in it". Next day Yeltsin does exactly he has been told. At the same day a completely drunk man living by the wonderful watersource returns to home and tells his wife with great amazement: "You may desbelieve, but I have really seen this: Yeltsin himself was washing his hand in our watersource!!! ". And the wife answers: "Shut up, you damned alcoholic. You have drunk too much again! Last week you saw Chubais washing his mouth, two weeks ago you saw Chernomyrdin washing his ass..."

BUSH HAS TEA WITH THE QUEEN
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb sh*t, it's Tony Blair!"

as Hillary has died and entered heavens gate, she saw a number of clocks, all looking different. Peter told her, the clocks represented the lies people told in their life.
She inquired about the Washington Clock of Peter:
"What has happened with his clock?" Peter said that George Washington's clock had moved only once, he told only one lie.
Then she examined Abe Lincoln's clock. Peter told her it moved only twice, two lies in his life.
Some of the others moved very little.
Then she asked Peter, Where is Bill Clinton's clock?
"Oh, that one the Master uses for a ceiling fan!"

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?

Only 1500 people went down on the Titanic.

This is sorta Australian (actually more Sydney-based).

Our premier (like a Governor) is sick of bad media coverage, so he invites a whole bunch of reporters to Circular Quay, just under the Harbour Bridge.

'Right', he says, 'You lot seem to think that there's nothing new in my administration'.

As he says that he steps of the wharf and stands on the water! Then he walks on water to the other side of the Harbour and back!! Amazing!

Next day the newspapers have headlines, "PREMIER CAN'T SWIM!!" - the Australian Financial Review has "CARR INVOLVED IN HARBOUR TOLL AVOIDANCE SCAM!".

PROUD TO BE CANADIAN
Yep - it sure sounds like our Jean!!!

Subject: Proud to be Canadian
President George Bush called Prime Minister Jean Chretien with a pressing emergency; Our largest condom factory has exploded," the American President cried. My people's favorite form of birth control!
"This is a disaster!" "George, da Canajian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'elp you," replied the Prime Minister.
"I do need your help," said Bush. "could you possibly send us 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Certainment! I will get on hit right haway," said Jean.
"Oh, and one small favor, please?" said President George.
"Oui?"
"Could the condoms be red, white and blue, and at least 10 inches long, with a 4 inch diameter?" asked Bush.

"No prob'lem," replied the Prime Minister, and with that Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favour. You got to make 1,000,000 condoms right haway, and sen'dem to Hamerica."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen mon ami. Dey haf to be rouge, blanc et bleu in colour, hat least 10 hinches long, and 4 hinches in dia'meter."
"That's easily done. Anything else?"
"Yes," said the Prime Minister, "one more ting.... print on dem "MADE IN CANADA, size: SMALL"