How do I deal with my partner’s best friend?

Reply Thu 28 Jun, 2018 02:24 am
Been together over two years and we’re finally living in a nice house together after I had previously moved into his flat. My partner has smoked weed for about a decade on and off, I started soon after getting together with him but never as much and his friend’s been smoking it as long as he has and has more than the two of us combined. When we got together the best friend was already there and would visit and sleep over from time to time.

I’ve never really liked his friend, the guy chooses to barely ever bathe so he stinks of BO, I’ve seen his place and it’s as disgusting as you’d expect from his scent. Whenever he talks about 50% of what he says is moaning about things being unfair for him and if it’s not that then he’s baked and talking about conspiracy theories. Now despite not liking him, I have always got along with him, we don’t argue or fight and we’re perfectly pally, I make that effort for my partner.

As previously mentioned we all smoke and the friend was the guy who knew the people we could get it from. My major problem here is that I recently found out that he’d been charging us an extra £10 every time we bought any so he could keep the money for himself. My partner has often leant him money so there was no reason to steal from us. When my partner found out, he didn’t seem that surprised as he said they had stolen weed and whatnot from each other before.

At this point, I couldn’t see any reason to like the guy. He wasn’t a loyal friend, he’s blown off my partner to hang out with another mate. He doesn’t have much in common with him except weed and playing fifa maybe, but my partner often says he gets bored hanging out with him, so he’s not fun to hang out with. Earlier I ojected to the friend coming over at all and while I realise now that’s unreasonable as it’s my partner’s home too, the reason I was given as to why he’s still friends with him is ‘he’s my only friend.’

So this friend who I don’t like and who my partner doesn’t have that much fun with is sticking around because he’s the only one left. Drug access isn’t the issue as there’s someone else we go to now.

Now, sorry for all that backstory, he’s my real issue. The friend stayed over for the first time in our new home. They came back together as my partner got him a job at his new place so they could work together. They were up late which is fine and my partner came to bed at about 2ish, I went to bed at 11pm as I had work early the next morning. So I get up and when I go downstairs at 6am, the friend is wide awake, smoking weed and playing on his phone. A door upstairs that I ALWAYS keep shut (to stop the cat getting to my snake and turtle when I’m not there) was ajar and the place absolutely stunk of smoke. I don’t know if he did go in there or not, I didn’t say anything to him as I left, but waking up and seeing those two things just disturbed me quite a bit.

Now this is where I don’t know how reasonable I’m being, but I was extremely unnerved and upset thinking that this person I KNOW I didn’t trust was wide awake all night in my home, alone. It’s not like my partner was awake with him, so it doesn’t seem normal to me to stay up all night in someone else’s home when the person you’re there to hang out with, is asleep.

Thanks for reading if you got this far, I realise I might be out of line here, but I don’t think I want him to stay in my home anymore. To visit, fine, but I don’t like the thought of feeling suspicious and anxious everytime he sleeps over. I don’t trust him alone in my house even if my partner does. I haven’t brought this up with him yet, I don’t know how justified in my feelings I am.
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Reply Thu 28 Jun, 2018 05:53 am
Well, you and BF used this guy as your connection and in exchange, let him into your life and home way too much, inappropriately.

Have you outgrown him now? Seems like YOU have, but BF keeps him around.


Unless your BF wakes up and sees what’s going on, nothings going to change. I think you know that, in fact, if push comes to shove, he’d choose Slacker over you. Hence, you say nothing.

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Reply Thu 28 Jun, 2018 06:17 am
If your BF says this guy is his only friend but he also doesn't like hanging around with slacker man-boy, then what does it say about your BF when he doesn't make an effort to make any other friends?

Somebody has to change this situation. That is, if you don't feel like biting your tongue and taking it anymore.

If slacker man-boy changes, if he grows up, showers, stops whining, and finds other people to hang out with, that would be ideal, yes? But the chances of that are pretty damned slim. Despite how much he bitches, he likes his life.

If your BF kicks slacker man-boy to the curb, then their friendship will end, most likely. You do not want to be the person who gets blamed for that. But whether that happens or not, it sounds like your BF is withdrawn and potentially a tad depressed at best. Certainly unambitious and inert (as is the slacker man-boy).

Then that leaves you. Here's an idea. How about addressing one of the elephants in the room, which is that your BF thinks this is the only guy he can hang with? That is, you've got friends, yes? They don't have to be people who smoke, BTW. Arrange an outing. Something fun. Hit the movies together, or a concert or a ball game (it can be super-cheap local stuff). Host a potluck. Have a tabletop game night.

See where I'm going with this? Your friends are either men or they are women who know men. Maybe someone will click. But even if they don't, even if your BF doesn't become best pals with anyone you know, he can at least start to see that there are more people out there, and there is more to life, than lying, thieving, stinky slacker man-boy.
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