It's Like Frikkin Groundhog Day!

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I say it's like Groundhog Day because I keep going over and over the same territory. I know its going to come down to me just making a decision.

I've been separated from my wife for 3 years. We were maried for 6, before separating. We've been close to reconciling several times, and right now she's expecting for me to move her from Missouri to Texas, and for us to try to start again.

I can't seem to make up my mind - every time I do, I see all the reasons doing the opposite makes more sense.

I miss the companionship and sharing my "dailyness" with someone.

I also like the freedom of, for instance, being able to tell the female who sits behind me in a class I'm taking at night that she's cute.

I went through a lot together with my wife, and I dread hurting her.

I also dread the idea of trying to stay a lifetime out of a sense of obligation.

I miss the security of knowing there is someone at home who cares about me, and I, her.

I also have come to appreciate the freedom of never having to account to anyone besides my cats.

Has anyone ever been, or heard of anyone who has been separated for this long, and still agonizing about what to do?

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I've known a lot of people who have separated and then reconciled. I'm not sure if any of them went for 3 years.

Do you have any kids?

And I know this is a duh question, but have you been to counseling? I ask because a counselor can offer an objective view on whether it's worth a try, can cut through the attraction and "dailyness" (good word, I know what you mean) stuff and make it more clear whether you have what it takes, as a couple.

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I'm with Sozobe on the counseling (personal, not marital). A counselor can help you examine your motives, goals, etc. and you can make your choice based on what is most important to you.

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sozobe wrote:

I've known a lot of people who have separated and then reconciled. I'm not sure if any of them went for 3 years.

Do you have any kids?

And I know this is a duh question, but have you been to counseling? I ask because a counselor can offer an objective view on whether it's worth a try, can cut through the attraction and "dailyness" (good word, I know what you mean) stuff and make it more clear whether you have what it takes, as a couple.

No biological kids. I helped raise 2 from elementary through high school.

Went to counseling a couple times. She is more optimistic than I about our "growth" since then.

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What did the counselor have to say about things?

I meant marital counseling but DrewDad has an excellent point about the benefits of talking to one who has YOUR (and only your) best interests in mind.

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reconciliation
I tried several times to reconcile with my ex-husband, but it never worked.

If your whole being (mind, heart, and soul) is not into reconciliation, I don't see how the relationship can work. After three years of separation, there may not be anything left of the relationship to save.

You listed several reasons why a reconciliation might be favorable. But it all seems to boil down to the merits of having another warm body occupy the same house as you. Never once did you mention LOVE. You never said that you're so IN LOVE with your wife that you can't imagine a day without her.

On the contrary, you cherish your freedom.

You don't want to hurt your wife, but under the circumstances, I think it would be MORE hurtful to move her from Missouri to Texas to simply TRY when you know that you're not 100 percent committed to the plan.

Check out the marriage builders website:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/

If you're not 100 percent committed to building the best possible marriage, then why bother to make a half-hearted attempt?

Wishing you the best as you sort through your feelings.

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Do you accept in your heart of hearts that you can't have it both ways?

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Noddy24 wrote:

Do you accept in your heart of hearts that you can't have it both ways?

I think that's the reason for all the angst. If I thought I could have it both ways, what would be the problem? I could just reconcile, and cheat.

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Been there, done that, gotten back.
Not easy stuff.
I went to personal counseling. It helped, somehow, to find out the hidden reasons why I wanted/not wanted to reconcile.

The marriage builders site is good if you do want to reconcile. It's excellent if you're also Christian. It may confuse you more if you're not leaning to any decision, but it always works on the spouse's side.

Good luck.

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Doesn't seem to be a lot of passion there?

You "dread hurting her" - how much is that the reason why you are going ahead with this?

She "is expecting" that you "will move her".....er, that sounds so passive that I am wondering if, possibly, she might be someone you feel an obligation to do things for - is she an equal partner in your eyes? - (or mebbe it is your way of not taking much responsibility for having raised those expectations?) If the first is right, I am wondering if that might be a bit of a pattern for you????

She is more committed to the idea of reconciling?

Don't wanna be a pain, Snood - just some stuff I noticed in how you put things....

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It's interesting you picked Groundhog Day - cos that is about someone who needs to commit, before something magical happens!!!

Good luck indeed, Snood...

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Dlowan has raised some excellent questions.

Also, consider, that you might be happy (or unhappy) no matter which course of action you choose. My guess is "happy" because your posts don't read as though they'd been written by a man with a talent for misery.

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No joke intended here at all, Snood ... you might just find yourself a lot more comfortable in lotsa respects if you adopt a pup thats gonna grow into a big, goofy mutt, and take the time to really get to know the critter and integrate your lives. A boy and his dog ....

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timberlandko wrote:

No joke intended here at all, Snood ... you might just find yourself a lot more comfortable in lotsa respects if you adopt a pup thats gonna grow into a big, goofy mutt, and take the time to really get to know the critter and integrate your lives. A boy and his dog ....

Just get a dog - count on timber for the innovative reply.

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Snood, this particular kitten thinks, if you've been separated for 3 years (and given the things you've said), it's probably better for your own happiness if you say Goodbye for good.

I think you should make your own, separate life for yourself, and seek there your own happiness.

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What makes you so sure, kitten?

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Wish I WAS sure... I cast that vote by instinct.

BUT I guess I think that because it's already been three years, and you were married for six. After all, if you both had really wanted to spend the rest of your lives together, you would have.

Six years is long enough to Know a person. Even knowing one another well, you both chose separation (well, presumably after 3 years, it wasn't just one of you who wanted it).

Not only that, I think continued vacillation is Bad For You, and her return will likely bring continued vacillation.

This may reflect my belief that there is NOT only one (or 2, or 5) people who can be the love of your life.... there are, in my view, Hundreds of them. In these 3 years, you could have found one of them. Then you'd be happy now. And who's to say you won't be run over by a beer truck tomorrow?

That said, my opinion is not necessarily right, or even right for you... 'tis just my opinion.

I really hope this helps. I very much feel for you, snood, er, Worf... vacillation is poison to all humans.

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I wasn't bein' snide, snood - havin' a REAL relationship with an other-than-human critter can be therapuetic beyond belief. Now, if you're not a pet sorta person, then a pet isn't a good idea - either for you or for the pet. On the other hand, dogs share really well, they're very empathetic, they really believe you're the sort of person you wished you were, and they don't rack up phone bills, want the ceiling painted, insist you be nice to their family, or ding the car. Think about it.

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Timberland, and they don't need college funds, they don't want their own car, they listen really carefully to everything you say even if you're blubbering, and they love you All The Time, even if you don't love yourself at the moment... yeah, there's a lot to be said for dogs....

Er, did you actually know I've just painted all the ceilings? Laughing

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timberlandko wrote:

I wasn't bein' snide, snood - havin' a REAL relationship with an other-than-human critter can be therapuetic beyond belief. Now, if you're not a pet sorta person, then a pet isn't a good idea - either for you or for the pet. On the other hand, dogs share really well, they're very empathetic, they really believe you're the sort of person you wished you were, and they don't rack up phone bills, want the ceiling painted, insist you be nice to their family, or ding the car. Think about it.

Yes. I have pets, timber. and I love them, and have loved pets all my life.
Forgive me though, that it took me slightly aback - your interjection of the idea of pets here. To my perception, it was a bit like offering a plant to someone grieving the loss of a dog.

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It's Like Frikkin Groundhog Day!

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