snood wrote: ... It seems the answers to my questions are much more simple than easy ...
Yup ... gotta say thats pretty damned profound, and that its very, very often the case. Sometimes the hardest person to be honest with is oneself.
BTW - I don't think it at all wierd to grieve a failed marriage ... I think it perfectly normal. Grief can do one of two things; lead to healing, or grow itself into an interminable downward spiral. I think often what one misses most - most longs for - followin' a failed relationship is some sorta dream of what one wishes that relationship had been, overshadowing the realities of what in fact it was. One wants not so much what had been, but what one wishes had been. A major underlyin' caue of relationship failure is mutually unmet expectations. Barrin' truly remarkable personal growth and redirection by both parties to a failed relationship, it is unrealistic to expect that a resumption of that relationship will meet the expectations placed on it by either party. Sure, folks can change, sometimes dramatically.
But mostly they won't. Whether they want to or not, whether they are able to or not, they mostly don't. Not to be pessimistic or curmudgeonly here - its just human nature to develop and maintain habbit patterns, and the habbit patterns governin' ones manner of interactin' with and reactin' to others are among the most deeply seated, ingrained, difficult-to-recognize-let-alone-change habbits we have. They're pretty much what make us what we are.
Be up front with yourself; do you want the relationship back, or do you want what you wish the relationship had been? Is there any reason to believe both of you have changed enough to render the causes of the previously failed relationship no longer a factor in the lives of either of you?
Simple really. Not pleasant, not easy, but simple.