Calling all abusive people.

material,
i take your question to mean that you want an insight into the mind of the victims of abuse.
is that correct?

Material Girl- If these folks had great insight into why they attracted abusive partners, and why they took the abuse, it would never happen. What Brooke has done, and might I say, beautifully, is to enable these people to recognze the signs of abuse, and learn how to get out of these dysfunctional relationships.

The problem is, that unless the person who has been abused understands the dynamics involved, the part that they played in the relationship, and ways to change their behavior, they will keep "finding" abusive people to torment them.

If you, on the other hand, are asking about the internal world of the abuser, I would suspect that most of them also have little insight into their behaviors.

Au contraire. I believe this thread is asking the ABUSERS to give any insight THEY may have in to the reaons why they act as they do.

Interesting misreads so far, if I am correct (and I think I am).

Phoenix, your post, for instance, had a lot of active verbs in relation to "attracting " and such on the behalf of the abused. Interewting how much victim blaming goers on deep in our psyches.

Of course, some folk who ger abused have had a lifetime of it, know no better, and, probably, unconsciously are attracted to abusers.

Sometimes, it is just bad luck - and the process of dragging/being dragged down happens so slowly that by the time one realises what is happening, one is so damaged that getting out feels almost impossible.

Then there are the situations where it is genuinely deadly - ie where the abuser will kill you if you leave, sooner or later.

Three women in my area have been murdered by abusive exes in the last couple of years. Two in front of their kids - one with.

I suspect the abusers are the ones most unable to develop insight int otheir actions.

Thank you dlowan-Thats exactly what I mean(How could my post have been mistinterpreted???!!!)

Im not knocking any victims.They have my sympathy and praise accordingly.

I merely wanted to see if there were any people who consider themselves to be abusers,are they still abusers, have they been abusive and got help etc
I know its a longshot as Im sure they dont really look on forums but I just wanted to get some information from the abusers themselves, even if its just a tiny snippit.

Why would it be a long shot? Do you think abusers only go to violent sites? No, I'm sure there are a few abusers who will read your query, but I doubt any will take the time to answer.

Most of them probably don't even consider themselves abusers.

Good luck though.

Yep, I realise they probably dont even see themselves as abusers.

I didnt think they were looking at violent sites I just doubted that they would be looking at any type of forum, let alone reply to one.

I noticed about 6 people read the thread before someone replied.(not implying that they were abusers)

Only time will tell.

I doubt ANYONE will admit to being an abuser. But that is just my opinion.

I wonder if Slappy Doo Hoo is even awake?

Bella Dea-Maybe them not owning up IS an insight into their minds!

My father was an abuser, and I know he was abused by his father in the exact same ways he abused us: verbally, physically, emotionally, sexually. In fact the very things he told me when I was a child ("You're worthless, good for nothing, didn't deserve to be born") were direct quotes from his own father. I only know because my mother told me, years later.

All of the verbal abusers I've known (well) were verbally abused by their own parents. Certainly not ALL abusers were abused as children, but I would guess MOST of them were.

This is very true. My abuser had an abusive father. I didn't know anything about this for a very long time. One time him and his father got into a fight. His Dad took a gun and tried to shoot Mark in the head. He actually pulled the trigger and the bullet grazed his skull. Because a weapon was involved, his Dad got a mandatory 6 months in prison.

On the flip side , my abuser was married before I met him and never abused her. Go figure.

That's interesting brooke. I always thought, a abuser is
a abuser, regardless of the women he's with. Does anyone
know why they would abuse so selectively?

I doubt we'll see an abuser speaking out openly about
his abuse. Nevertheless, I do think what you're doing is
so important brooke.

There are many young girls writing in this sub and they
should know the warning signs when entering a new relationship. Knowing the m.o. of an abuser makes it
easier to spot one and hopefully run like hell.

Instead of being ashamed and keep quiet about abuse,
you have chosen to help other women who are in a violent
relationship and need advise. Kudos to you brooke

Because I see many of the names that gave objective input to my question "is divorce the best option or can we make it through this" I'll bite. But be nice. I feell the question was asked in all honesty so I will play along! And I too would like tio understand more.

In my mind the jury is still out on whether or not I am an abusive husband. Remeber I have never hit her. We were hammered and we got WWF on eachother, I was definatly very physicall and I spent the night in jail. I am keenly aware of my dealings with my wife now because I absolutely do not want this for my relationship.

After our drunken incident a few weeks ago were I was hauled off to jail being accused of abusing my wife I have been thinking about the situation quite a bit. I have been talking about the situation with older guys that I respect, that have been married for a long time, and live thier lives in the same way as I do. I have been enlighted to the fact that each one of these guys has been thourgh a similar situation with thier spouse and that we all have a similar life style. We all call it "Work hard- Play hard". I am 30 and the guys I look up to are all late fifties and early 60's. In addition to the afformentioned lifestyle we all run businesses and seem to have one very common thread that runs though us. The Idea that "If it don't fit, force it. If it breaks it was ment to be replaced anyway." I suppose what I am getting at is that being very driven men we all have a propencity to impose our point of view on those around us inorder to get things done the way we feel is best. Each one of us has come to realize that this kind of lifestyle is destructive for us and in return can very easily become destructive to those around us.

I willl start there and open myself to a meaningful conversation.

Awwww thank you, Calamity.




I think in the case of my abuser, his abuse was driven by jealousy. He married his wife because she had gotten pregnant, and wanted to do the right thing by her. He told me that he was never in love with her. I doubt he cared much what she done and with whom, or where she even went.

In the case of him and I......he fell hard for me. He had told me many times that he feared losing me. That he had never loved anyone as deeply as he loved me. He put me on a pedestal that I did not belong on. He put me up there so high that it made him feel lesser somehow. He was very jealous of "everything" concerning me. He hated it that I had friends, but he hated it even more when "strangers" took a liking to me.

With his wife, he just simply didn't care, I guess.

Anyways, when I asked him why he never abused her, he just simply said, "Because, I didn't love her."

How messed up is that?! I cannot understand why people hurt in the worst possible ways the very people they claim to love most. That is NOT love. You want to cherish and nurture and protect the people you really love - not hurt them.

Just wanted to add that my ex's father was abusive too. Not with his children, at least not physically. But emotionally - yes. He was physically & emotionally abusive with his wife though. My ex saw his father rape his mom. Thankfully, they separated and his mom took him with her. My ex was only about 9 or 10, but I think the damage had already been done.

When my ex told me that as a teen he had shot at his father with an air-gun and the pellet had lodged in the skin of his skull (no other serious injury), I had laughed. I was 17 then. If he told me the same thing now, I would run from him w/o letting things progress any further.

The first Mr. Noddy was not a good man. I was married to him during the sixties and part of the seventies and the idea of Women's Lib repulsed him--and frightened him.

Like all abusers he rationalized "You made me do it. I didn't want to but you just made me so angry.

He also felt that his temper was a personality characteristic of great interest and power--almost majesty. Having a temper like that put him in the company of Manly Men--the sort of guy who would be invited on safari with Hemmingway. He also fancied himself a poet, but his temper showed that his poetic inclinations came from masterful insight, not wimpyness.

His mother--a damn fool--had raised him to believe that he was a demi-god walking on earth and would accomplish wonderous and memorable deeds.

His love was mixed with considerable jealousy. He hated the idea that I might know more than he did in any given field. He agonized over my mastery of the English language. My quirky points of view somehow diminished him--although he had no scruples about stealing an insight or observation and passing it off as his own.

I know how parents treat you as a kid molds how you will be to your kids. But, how much can we blame on our parents. Not all abused kids grow to abuse their own. When can people stop blaming their parents and take personal responsibility.

Two wrongs don't make a right surfdude. I know a lot of
powerful, successful men who never in their life had to
use force to get their point across. Nor will there ever
be an excuse for being violent, despite alcohol, drugs,
being provoked by another or for whatever reason one
might bring up - there is never any justification for violent behavior.

Yet, I do commend you for coming forward and
have come to realize that a destructive behavior
is not acceptable in any lifestyle.

brooke wrote


That truly is sick to assume it is perfectly all right to abuse
the ones we love. Not being able to deal with their own
insecurities, they want to physically hurt their loved ones,
for being prettier, smarter and more accomplished, which
the first Mr. Noddy seemed to resent as well.