"Have it all" backlash

I agree with you soz, about letting kids learn to work things out for themselves sometimes. It's like the restaurant game - I can get it started with Mo, the other kids join in, then I can step out and just let things roll -- but I'm there to step in if things get out of hand.

I'm really beginning to appreciate my neighborhood more and more with its mix of retirees and mostly at home moms -- I live in a good "daytime neighborhood".

Please don't step out, nimh. I think your comments add a lot to the conversation. I think the American way of living to work instead of working to live is a huge part of the problem. In the original article the author said something about how the competitive nature of parenting has sucked all of the joy out of spending time with your kids. I think that is right on the money. We make it so difficult to have a relaxed family.

Random-ish thought I had while away from the computer about instincts/ reading:

The thing about allowing E.G. to parent right from the beginning really went against my instincts. Every instinct I had was screaming for me to do everything, I was the only one who really knew how, etc., etc. It took a lot of conscious effort to step back and allow E.G. to do stuff, and to allow him to continue to do stuff even when he made mistakes rather than immediately jumping in and taking over. (He got better.)

Then, several months on, I was infinitely grateful that I was able to leave the baby with him for hours on end and trust that he knew what he was doing.

What allowed me to get through that was not only my friend's advice but reading up on it and making sure it was sound -- "The Baby Book" was especially good for that, they're big on encouraging fathers to father as well as mothers to mother. That gave me the wherewithal to ignore my very strong instincts on that particular subject. (The instincts are probably sound on an evolutionary level, when the instincts were forged, but aren't necessarily the most useful thing now.)

Conversely, about when I started feeling pressure to wean, I felt strongly that weaning wasn't right just then, and read a lot to help figure out what my instincts were telling me. If what I had read -- scientific basis and such -- had told me that it was important for me to wean right then, I would've. But that's not what happened -- what I read showed there was no particular reason to and a lot of reason not to. So I did until it no longer seemed necessary, revisited my research to confirm that it was fine to stop then, and did.

Meanwhile, sozlet sailed through the peak ages for ear infections without a single one, and now it turns out that she's prone. Breastfeeding is one of the single most effective defenses against ear infections. Could easily have been that if I'd given up earlier, we could've had major problems with ear infections much earlier.

So, I value those instincts, pay attention to them, but really like to get some sort of context for them whenever I can.

I'm cleaning out a file cabinet and this was in the "baby" folder. I don't often clip articles, really liked this one though. Found it online, seems to fit with what we've been talking about:

http://partners.nytimes.com/library/national/science/health/081500hth-essay.html

WHO can pull that off???!!!!
Let me see a 6 month old who uses the toilet and i will show you a mom with no stress...

shewolfnm, several of mrs. hamburger's friends, who were travelling as refugees with infants, told me that their children were toilet trained between 6 and 10 months. Since I was baby-sitting at a time when toilet-training was to be complete by 15 - 18 months, it didn't seem that much of a stretch to me.

Soz, what you say about including EG is BIG.

When Mo was very little and he would come and spend the night it was all up to me.

When Mo moved in Mr. B had to help. He had to. I had a business to run and I couldn't carry a two year old in to work every day. We had absolutely no clue as to daycare, preschool, babysitter options - nothing.

And help he did. And he did fine.

Then he started up a new company and everything started falling apart. His schedule became manic. That's when I did the serious reevaluation on my life and my wants and found a partner to bring into my business.

Neither of us could have ever done it without the serious help of the other.

Now on Saturday's I can go in and work all day and not worry at all about Mo. During the week I work from home by phone/modem/race around and he doesn't have to worry about Mo.

Shewolf, I wonder if you were to relinquish some control over to hewolf if some of his opinions about uber-momming would change.

For your own sanity you should find out.

Boom, Im POSITIVE that his thoughts would change.
I am certain that his UBER parenting image comes from the fact that he has to be away from bean most of the day due to his job. So in his mind, the way to make up for that , is to UBER-parent the time he spends with her and sees nothing wrong with continueing that behavior all day.... Simply because he has almost no idea what it is like all day, every day attempting to UBER it all.
And once you realize how exhausting and uneffective you become trying to do that, you THEN learn to calm down and play... wich is where I am at now. Only.. 11 months after she was born.
I think i am doing pretty well.

You are! :-)

What can you do to get him more involved? Does he WANT to be involved?

As you know, I have a hubby who works way too much and doesn't, IMO, spend nearly enough time with the kid. (He spent more time with her when she was a baby, I think, because I needed a break more often and also because I had more out-of-the-house commitments.) Anyway, when I think he's getting too detatched -- mind too much on work, no patience for normal kid things -- I decree that I need a day to myself, and those two need to figure out what they're doing all day... together. It's with some trepidation, because it's by definition when he's grumpiest/ least patient, but by the end of the day they've connected again, he's more on her wavelength again.

(They spend non-decreed time together, too, but that's what I do when I think things have gone too far.)

I am SO glad you said that.
This has been a problem for me as well , and for the same reasons. Amazing... im not alone... !
Mr Wolf manages a BIG part of UT ( university of texas) and it takes ALOT out of him. He works with school records, financial records, grading , etc. He has a small office in a corner, no windows, one door and 5 people under him. Work stress? He is the poster child for it. I give him alot of space when it comes to housework , child care etc.. because he works from 7 am to 5 pm. Sometimes longer. He gets no real break from work beacuse he also has to bring some home. ( maybe about 2 hrs worth a week.. usually less.. )
Having said that, there is also a HUGE problem with baby care. The division of it that is. With respect to his stress and his job, i dont push much.
But my NOT pushing equals..
Me putting her to bed every night. Me bathing her eveyr night, Me feeding her every night. Me doing laundry, making food, cleaning her, her room, her messes, soothing her when she cries, etc.. etc.. No need to elaborate. we all know what it is like parenting! ha
When I do ask him to do something it is really small.. but very infrequent. And he doesnt seem to step in to change things. For the longest time he would literally pass her when he got home and go do ' his stuff'. I pointed out one day , when she got upset after seeing him walk away, that it hurts her because he isnt acknowledging her. I said that parenting is a selfless job and that in order to be an effective parent, your personal desires go on the back burner alot. That when she sees him after a long day with out him around, the only way she knows she is ' loved and part of his world' is for him to acknowledge her. She acknowledges HIM by yelping and smiling, when that excitement isnt returned, it is rejection that she can not comprehend.
After that soap box speech , he changed. Dramatically. Now I am thinking it is time for another soap box speech. Mostly for my own sanity at this point.. ( selfish I know.. but true) But also for her. She is seeing me as a sole provider and that can not be healthy in a house where there are 3 adults. His relationship with her starts here as a baby. So it needs to be boosted and BAD.