"Have it all" backlash

Putting the competition aside, boomerang? That would be nice if it could happen. I'd like to think on A2K, we do.

As it happens, I'm reading this book now..."I Don't Know How She Does It" by Allison Pearson, a regular columnist for both the BBC and a London newspaper. It's sort of a Bridget Jones-type novel (except smarter) about a married, working British mother of two trying to "have it all." Wickedly funny. It begins with the heroine up at 1:37 a.m. "distressing" store-bought mince pies for her daughter's school function so the full-time mothers will think they are homemade. You guys would love this book.

Ha! Does sound good.

I haven't read the Newsweek feature yet, but over the years I've read quite a bit of the literature about "Having it All". I elected to be a full-time mother and then to be a full time stepmother.

Jane Goodall's studies deal with chimpanzes, but one fact I read there is that extended chimp families tend to be built around the females. As in fairy tales, the males head off into the great wide world to seek their fortunes.

This means that even a novice chimpanze mother with her very first baby is surrounded with a number of role models and emotional support from her mother, grandmother, sisters, cousins and aunts.

In our particular branch of "Higher" primates, a great deal of child rearing takes place far way from the nuclear family who are not available on a day-to-day basis for advice or emotional backup.

The isolation of the novice mother is further complicated by the mores of mobile America. New job? Old dream? Fresh start? "Pack the wagon, honey. We're off to greener pastures."

Essentially many American mothers (possibly aided by a parenting manual) are forced to reinvent the wheel in circles that may not consider child-rearing very important.

I find it interesting that "sisterhood", a metaphor built on family, is more likely to be employed in a career-for-pay situation than in child rearing.

Nodding, nodding.

I've certainly gleaned plenty from the more experienced chimps around here, awfully grateful for them. (Is too a compliment...)

That's very true Noddy, not always for greener pastures, but
America is a mobile society for whatever reason. Yet, isolation doesn't need to be the side effect of it.

My family resides in Europe and my daugther sees grandma
only once a year for several weeks. However, long ago we've "adopted" an older childless widow as grandma and she's delighted to be included as part of the family, and we're thrilled to have her in our lives.

Point is, if you don't have mothers, grandmothers, sisters,
and aunts around you, go look for equivalents in your neighborhood. Chances are, you'll find it.

I've read the Newsweek article now. One facet of the problem that is mentioned in passing but deserves more discussion is the notion of the Work of Art" kid.

Kids--from the delivery room on--are people. They are not lumps of clay to be molded by Wonderful, Wonderful Mom. They are people with the right to pursue their own individuality.

When this ethical fact of life is ignored, you find frustrated women trying to create SuperBaby, a Work of Art kid who will win blue ribbons at the pediatrician's office and pre school and the county fair and the Madison Square Garden International Competition for the Handiwork of The Most Perfect Mother.

This is not only unethical, this is exhausting.

Be realistic. Not every bath time is a wonderful bonding experience. Sometimes the only purpose of the bath is to get the kid clean. Forget about smoochy kisses. Forget about exploring bubbles. Forget about dramatic play. Sometimes the only purpose of the bath is to get the kid clean.

I remember a visit to the pediatrician. I was entertaining my own two toddlers when we were joined by SuperMom and her Work of Art. We were reading a Little Golden Book about baby animals and discussing whether it would be more fun to be a bear or a fish.

SuperMom asked her daughter in a loud clear voice, "And what do you cal a Baby Bear?" The question had to be repeated before the child dutifully recited, "Cub".

I got the feeling that she'd much rather have speculated about the joys of beardom or fishdom.

I also got the feeling that I was missing the Moral Lesson SuperMom was trying to pass onto me.

Not every moment in a child's life is glittering perfection. Every child should learn to tolerate boredom with good humor. Every child should learn that parents are imperfect people and inperfection in those we love is both inevitable and acceptable. Every child should learn that there are moments when his needs are secondary or tericiary or quad-whatever-ery.

In the Fabled Fifties women had washing machines and driers and self cleaning ovens and cleaning products formulated to be powerful and gentle and a great deal more time than their mothers and grandmothers to devote to children.

There something wonderful about a little benign neglect.

Oh my gosh, Noddy!

During my career as a photographer I have been exposed to more Work of Art kids than anyone has a right to. We divide them into two categories based on their moms - "Flashcard" and "Pageant".

In some cases I think this is a form of child abuse.

I understand wanting what's best for your kid but living out the parent's dreams isn't really "best".

There is. (Benign neglect.) This is back to slacker moms unite -- I forget who came up with that, I think boomer. It was from a discussion where we touched on the importance of boredom, fostering self-sufficiency.

I think you make an excellent point about there only being so much a parent can do, and the work of art kid. Just as it's not always the parent's fault if the kid has problems, it's not always because of the parents that a kid turns out well. Lots of interplay.

Generally speaking, unless there are extreme circumstances, kids are gonna turn out just fine pretty much no matter what. They may be nudged one way or the other by normal, non-extreme variations in parenting, but not too terribly much.

That said, I think there should be room for the people who really are great parents to share what they do without it being seen as oppressive. I am loving reading what Squinney has to say on the sex thread -- yeah! Tell it! Boomer's playground restaurant idea is great -- she tells it in the context of the silly Vitamin B lady, but it's a great idea in and of itself. Go Boomer! Noddy has more great parenting ideas than you can shake a stick at.

I think this all should be celebrated, to help elevate the status of parenting for both parents and onlookers who may not realize what's involved. In Warner's context, it seems like rather this should be downplayed -- it may oppress someone who doesn't feel up to playing restaurant at the park, who just wants to sit on the sidelines and watch.

I think there can be more complexity -- yeah, parenting is hard, yeah relaxing is good, but at the same time, hey, great idea you had! Way to go!

<------------ Just reading along and getting great tid-bits on how to stop trying to be that half crazy loony tunes reciting, winney the pooh wearing UBER-mom...

In the book I mentioned, they call them "The Muffia." Great term, huh?

And the overly protective moms who insist you feed their children only "approved" foods? Those are the Sugar Ayatollahs.

(Gotta read it!)

http://chezmiscarriage.blogs.com/chezmiscarriage/2005/02/the_mothers_the.html

I'll have more to say about this when I have time to do my thoughts justice....

Oh, definitely on the pattern!! Well laid-out, there.

Yep, mothers are constantly looking for reassurance, and big money in saying no no no not that old book, THIS is the truth, this is what's cutting edge, this is what you need.

Plus just the old thing I keep referring to of some idea, which is fine, being implemented badly. Then that leads to a backlash/ tossing of the baby along with the bathwater. Then there's a realization, hey, the baby, and back and forth it goes.

(Really like how that person laid it out.)

Thanks Drewdad, I clicked over to read the whole thing - good analysis of the story.

I think that what she doesn't take into account though, is that most women (me) haven't studied the history of parenting advice.

Really, the fact that she's read this book (which I didn't think was even released yet) and that she has read parenting tomes from 1946, makes me think she has some kind of bone to pick with someone. Reading further down through the comments reinforces that idea.

Over the last 50 years I've done a good bit of reading in the history of childhood. Snippets from the top of my head:

The idea of a Child Centered Family is a very new idea.

Traditionally a woman's day was taken up with chores--household, agricultural, commercial. Farm wives contributed to the farm. The wives of small businessmen lived above the shop. On the farm, kids were expected to contribute labor. In the city, fewer kids were needed.

If you could afford a nanny, the nanny not only watched the children--she did their laundry and their mending and ironing and such--all by hand. Perhaps she was lucky enough to have a nursery maid as well who took over the chores of carrying bathwater (up and down) and emptying chamber pots.

If you couldn't afford a nanny....

In the '40's and '50's my mother spent at least seven or eight hours a week ironing my father's shirts, school dresses for two girls, trousers for a boy and her own clothes. She also had bed linen to run through the mangle.

Granted, you can have conversation over an ironing board, but you can't be driving to karate class or any other out-of-the-house enrichment.

You hit a very interesting point there Noddy. I'm thinking about it in the context of the blog that Drewdad linked. Earlier generations of women who were adviced to lavish their children with attention were certainly doing so under a different set of circumstances as today's stay-at-home mom.

Thinking, thinking....

Also, your post made me finally click on the "nesting" from the 90s that the blogger mentioned. "Nesting" or "cocooning" was a term coined by Faith Popcorn, the trend analysit. I went looking for my old copy of "The Popcorn Report" because it seemed to me that nesting didn't really have anything to do with parenting. I couldn't find my copy so I can't say difinitively that children weren't addressed but I did manage to find this:

The term was popularized in the 1990s by marketing consultant Faith Popcorn in her book The Popcorn Report: The Future of Your Company, Your World, Your Life. Popcorn suggested that cocooning could be broken down into three different types: the socialized cocoon, in which one retreats to the privacy of one's home; the armored cocoon, in which one establishes a barrier to protect oneself from external threats; and the wandering cocoon, in which one travels with a technological barrier that serves to insulate one from the environment.

Kind of like the Newsweek article, I find myself agreeing with the blogger until I really think about it.

I have that book too, and I should re-read it to see,
if she indeed was right on her predictions.

That would be interesting, Calamity Jane. If I recall, she publishes a new report every 10 years or so since that is kind of the end lenght of lifestyle trends. If we could find the predictions from the 90s we could see what was right.

I have not been able to stop thinking about this thread and the term ' uber mom' has found its way into my head like a nail!
I have been looking over my shoulder alot when I am in bookstores, baby stores etc, trying to see examples of this compitition that moms so unwillingly induldge in.
And WOW! It is everywhere.
At book people, ( a small local resale store here in austin) they have , of course, an entire section of baby psychology.... how to do this... how to do that.. and a LARGER section of titles like " Raise your babies IQ, Your child should be able to ..., How to have a smart baby, How to have a popular kid, Teach you rchild to read by 2 ( THAT is a real book.. like to see who can pull THAT off...)
And so on.. NOTHING but titles that feed into this competition of having the smartest baby on the block. Be bigger and better. Make your child learn faster, harder etc etc etc...
And you know what else I found strange.. not a one about how to enjoy your baby. You know why?
It is simple... one sentance doesnt consitute a book:

STOP. PUT DOWN THE BOOKS. GO PLAY.

see what i mean?