hmm
The ghost lives!
Sorry I haven't been posting for a long while. But here is my concern that I have been reluctant to talk about:
My fiance became interested in another guy she met at a party a couple of months ago. She became attracted to this guy and we have talked about it on many, many occassions. Basically, she came over to Toronto to visit me and my family, stayed with us for 2 weeks and just met this guy for one night at a party and then have been conversing through MSN (internet ).
The sad reality is that she thought I was "The one" all along and as a result, we were heavily invovled with each other's family. For example, she stayed for long durations at my place while my mom basically treated her as a daughter and vice versa. Unofficially, we are basically family to one another's families.
Well anyway, the emergence of this "guy" most likely propelled me to propose. I mean we have been "engaged" unofficially prior to occurence, but that's beside the point. So I flew to vancouver and suprised her...she said YES. I asked her subsequent nights if she meant yes..and she still said yes. But knowing her, I knew something was not right. She of course still felt attracted to this guy. I told her that it is normal and that I have been attracted to other girls too. But at the end of the day, I would never even imagine being with them because my relationship with my fiance is the most important thinig to me and I can't fathom loving anyone else like I love her.
Anyway, she admitted to being a bit confused but felt that she cannot be without me...we are in too deep she says. Likewise, I told her that it is never too deep and she could leave if she wanted to. I asked her if she would be happy with me for the rest of her life..and she said yes. But of course she still has that sort of curiosity. I told her however, that if she decided to test the waters there's no guarantee that that boat will be there after she's taken the plunge. She realizes that and still chooses to be with me.
WHAT AGGRAVATES ME is that she still talks to the guy in a flirty sort of manner. She even bought him some sort of bracelet that she told me about (this was early on). I have told her to stop talking to him, to do this and that...but I realize that I should not try to change her.
I have always called her the "little rebel", I guess I sort of knew what I was getting into. She seems to have the tendency to want it all, to want the impossible. I always tell her, you can't always have ur cake and eat it too. But sadly, this is part of why I am attracted to her...but of course I do not like it when this sort of thing emerges in OUR relationship.
Trust me I have gone through all the emotions...lost, confused, hurt, mad, needy, scared.
Here are some other tidbits, sorry this "essay" is poorly organized but I'll just write down whatever.
- When I suprised visited her, I only planned to stay 3 days but she offered me to stay an extra two weeks. During these two weeks, I spent more time with her. And more and more time with her parents (golfing, eating; what have you).
- When she came home from work, she would sometimes talk to the other guy and I am sitting right there reading what she's typing. She feels comfortable with it...she does not want to hide anything from me. But **** I could not outthink myself...my primal characteristics such as jealously and anger emerged and I told her about it. And yes, there were times when I broke down emotionally into quite a pathetic state. But we both agreed that it was understandable.
- I ultimately want my fiancee to be happy, even if it meant a bit of self-sacrifice on my part. I think I have been handling the situation rather well and I call her everyday just to talk about normal stuff. I promised her and myself that i'll just give her some time.
- Funny thing is that I told her that since she loves me she needs to sort of stop talking to the guy or TELL him that there is no possibility right now. I am rather confused on what to do...I want her to be happy on one hand, but on the other hand some ******* respect would be nice. So I am just leaving it up to her...
- The good thing about my fiancee is that she is very honest to me...ultimately, she feels that I am the guy to marry but there's always this curiosity (hope it fades).
- We have both agreed (and believe me she has reinforced in the past) that we have a very great relationship and are very happy together. And this isn't bullshit...otherwise she wouldn't have been so dogmatic about setting my foot in her familie's business, telling her mom that I am the one etc. etc.
- SHE STILL BELIEVES we are great couple...but as I said, she sometimes asks for the impossible.
- What pissed me off 1.5 months ago was how she'll talk about this guy. She said that he is a good guy....that the guy wants US to be good together...that the guy has very good intentions...that he is honest. I told her right off the bat that she was being a moron and i'm not even being bias. I just said that if the guy wanted US to be great...then he really couldn't have meant it for obvious reasons.
- At the end of the day, I do not feel cheated, used or what not. I still love her to death and we will get through this.
- Do you think she is going through a quarter life crisis? She is about to turn 25 and her future is pending. She already has a master degree but is waiting on law schools...so there is some uncertainty to her life right now. I am doing my Master of Architecture degree but I am 1.5 years her junior. The "other" guy is doing the same degree I am...but he is 3 years older than me and is almost complete his degree. I THINK THIS FACTORS IN SOMEWHAT...perhaps, subconsciously, she feels that the other guy is more ready to take care of her right now and she's right about that. And that sort of led to her attraction...
I am sure that I am not being naive to say that my fiance is still very much in love with me, and plans to marry me BUT still, when I am not conscious or aware, I feel a little peeved off sometimes.
I have talked to my parents, her mother (in private) about some of my issues briefly. Luckily, the guy is all the way the way on the EAST COAST so the likely hood of them developing anything is next to null.
This has been a good experience for me thus far...you just learn a lot about ur partner/yourself and you learn to expect the unexpected. And then you deal with it.
ANYWAY, I do not know what the heck I just typed. I am not even sure if out of the mess you guys can give some input...BUT GO AHEAD!! OR ask me some more questions!
Any questions?!
hmmm
Just re-read my post...a slew of spelling errors but oh well!!
I am truly sorry that I have not been totally honest with you guys but yeah, I had some stuff to figure out.
Next month, my fiance and are meeting up in our home country (well my place of birth) and we'll be spending a lot of couply time together. Hopefully all goes well wtih ur law school apps so she can join me in LA.
But is it so wrong that, at times, I want to take "the new guy's" head, rip it off and mount it on top of a wooden pike?
hmmm
Another thing with my fiance and myself is that we have similar values.
- We do not really believe in dating over and over again to find "The one". At a point in our relationship, we just saw each other as being fantastic for one another and there was no need to look elsewhere. IT IS NOT WRONG TO LOOK ELSEWHERE, it may be a very good thing to try as many things as possible....but ultimately, we are happy enough with each other to get married and stay that way.
- We both come from traditional families/upbringing.
BUT OF COURSE...values are one thing and instinct/primality is another. The combination of all these factors make us human.
hmmm
Ultimately, I think I love her enough to let her go.
Hell i'd take a bullet for her. At least we'd both be alive in the former situation!
I have even told her that if she cheated on me OR wanted to explore other things but than realize that "the grass is not always greener" on the otherside...i'd still take her back. Telling her this puts me in a very vulnerable position but I do not want her to be with me because she feels obligated to do so. So I let it all out of the bag.
She's my little rebel and I love her.
That's sure a lot for you to sort out, Nappy.
Sounds like you're going into this with a lot of awareness about yourself and your gf/fiancee.
You may very well be right that there is some appeal to the guy simply because of where he is careerwise and her own unease about where her future is going.
Telling someone else who they can and can't talk to is a tricky road to follow. If you've got a partner who reacts/acts out that can be quite dangerous. Letting her know that it makes you uneasy/uncomfortable is best, and I think I read that was one of your approaches.
Wanting to rip the guy's head off is a very natural response. Even if part of that is a reflection of the anger you likely feel toward your gf/fiancee, as he wouldn't still be chatting with her if she didn't let him. You can't get that mad at her - so getting furious with the other guy's a very natural way of dealing.
Keep on posting - using this forum as a type of diary can be very helpful in terms of really 'seeing' what you're thinking and how it develops.
Nappy--
You seem to have some insight into both your strengths and insecurities which means several counselling sessions might be an excellent investment for your future--whatever your future may be. Self-knowledge is never wasted.
hmm
Hey guys,
What do you think I can get out of a "few counseling sessions?"
I no longer feel as lost or angry or anything...I am talking to her like I was before the incident and as more time passes, I predict that this occurence will be even less of factor in the future. However, I have seen her in my dreams every night for the past week.
How do you think my fiancee will benefit from counseling sessions? Maybe I am just new to this "Business", but what can counseling sessions do? What sort of procedures take place?
On your knees with a ring.
