"Friends" who think they know best

You have to accept that not all of your friends/family are going to like this guy or the relationship.

There is no reason he has to be part of all activities you take part in. You can (and should) spend time with friends/family without him. He is a part of your life - he is not a replacement for everything else.

Spend time with him.

Spend time with your friends.

Spend time with family.

There is no reason he should be part of your time with friends/family. Give that more time for many many reasons.

You can let friends know that you're not interested in discussing him or the relationship during your time with him. Similarly - don't discuss them with him.

Ignore the facebook bullshit. It doesn't matter.

that is 100% their right

and really - not all parts of your life need to overlap

you do need social time with friends/family that is strictly that - do not include someone you are dating - hopefully the guy also understands that

First off, I remember your earlier plaint regarding the gentleman. https://able2know.org/topic/438001-1

It is nice to read that the two of you have apparently resolved difficulties which were previously existing.

Not knowing whether you had involved your friends in conversation about him, it is hard to say why they might not be happy about him. I know previously you had indicated having some mutual friends, not sure if it is those or ones with which only you are acquainted. Either way, try not to let them get to you. If anything, this are most likely just thinking of your well-being and happiness. Have a talk with them and let them know you are happy and that your kinfolk are good with him as well. That may be all it takes to silence their intrusions of advice. Let them know you appreciate their caring. If they cannot or will not shush up, put some space between yourselves. (this is not abandonment, merely placing a buffer zone to prevent excessive negativity)


Really, who cares what others think so long as you are happy and are not being mistreated? You were with your late husband for some 40 years and I have a feeling, he would want you to continue on in life and to live as fully as possible. This means that yes, a relationship with a new partner can happen.

For what it's worth, my sister had a similar experience. I held my tongue on her first relationship as a widow, as she is an adult and capable of making her own choices. That relationship dissolved; she then met another man and they've been together several years now and very happy - which is what matters most to me and those who care for and love her.

do not give up longterm friendships because of a guy you are dating

don't

you can decrease contact but don't lose those friends

keep the guy and the friends separate - at least for now
things might change/improve
or not

but no - do not end friendships over this

He's not allowed in certain oeople's homes? And they don't want to be around him at all? That's pretty extreme UNLESS:

1. They know something about him that you should find out about

Or

2. They have not wirked thru their feelings of grief for your husband and see this as a betrayal to his memory.

Time for some straight talk with friends.

In the meantime. He seems to have made himself WAY too familiar and comfortable in your house. Keep some distant boundaries with him for just a little longer. You need to get to know him better.

BTW - been where you are. My kids and friends were worried he would take my $$, more than anything else.

You're saying that it's not because they think it's too soon for you to be seeing another man? That it is this guy that they don't like?

I'm wondering why multiple close friends are advising you against this guy. One friend, sometimes even two friends can for whatever reason take a dislike to someone, but when it's multiple friends - to me that's a red flag.

It's a much bigger red flag when those friends feel so strongly about it that they bar him from coming to their houses. That's extreme. Why would they feel so strongly about it? (multiple friendse do not do this for jealousy issues or any similar reason)

That's not a reason. That is a diplomatic way of seeing if you are open to a conversation about the reasons. If you get defensive, or don't ask 'why do you say that' (or something similar), then the conversation never progresses further. Even if you did say that, you would probably still need to encourage them to be open about their reasons, which they obviously are not being.

That sort of conversation takes a willingness to hear what the others want to say, but it can be very difficult to bring ourselves to listen to such without judgement.

As for whether or not to keep them around - you can never tell if relationships will last, but long term friends are usually long term for a reason. There are many ways to handle this, including some that have been suggested by other posters.