The teenage years

How long is she grounded?

Until all the new holes in her ears close up or until Saturday, IF she continues to at least talk the talk between now and then. That's only one of the surprises I had this weekend. The others had me reeling and they each had my typical 'natural consequence' directly related to the issue at hand. The three new holes in her ears, after I specifically told her she couldn't get any new piercings, put me over the edge.

I've resorted to grounding because everything else seemed to be ineffective. I've told her for years that body and/or multiple ear piercings are something she can do once she's on her own but I can't stand the sight of them and don't want to cringe every time I look at her. I'm all for personal expression and personal choice but she'll have plenty of time for that once she's away from home. She has a very short list of things that will put me over the edge and she seems to be trying all of them. We haven't faced cheating, stealing, or vandalism yet so I guess I should be counting my blessings.

It's interesting though. It almost seems like she was intentionally pushing me to this point and, in some ways, seems relieved to have been reigned back in. It's almost as if it was a test to see if I'd really react to something that I said I felt strongly about. She's been staying on the right side of the law, staying just on the wrong side of Mom and Dad.

I'm famous for my ages and stages responses and typical behavior for the age responses. I know that teens rebel and I vividly remember being 14, which is why I've tried not to overreact to things and not sweat the small stuff. Sometimes a whole bunch of small stuff gets mighty weighty.

J_B--

With luck when your daughter's peer group talks about shoplifting or vandalism as exciting retaliation against Repressive Society your daughter will be able to announce, "Gee, I can't. My parents would kill me. (Her peer group will know what she's talking about.)

Being a lab rat in a teenager's Life Experiment is not fun.

My dearlybeloved daughter-in-law now has multiple piercings in her ears. She just turned 40. "Blessed be the tie that blinds."

On a brighter note...

I want to acknowledge the highlights as well.

K is a very good cellist. She was beginning to fade away from cello because it's no longer cool and she was almost going to skip orchestra altogether next year. The director announced a fabulous trip the group will take next March and K decided to stay in orchestra after all. This morning she announced that she was auditioning today for the special chamber group that meets every morning at 7:15 before school. She's decided that she not only wants to be part of the orchestra but she wants to put all of her talents on display as they tour Europe next year. She auditioned this morning and was accepted into the group. YES!!!! Good job, K! I knew you could do it!

Truer words were never spoken. We will prevail, one sometimes slogged step at a time.

Children! Particularly teenaged children!

K has been the model of good behavior this week. Yesterday she asked to learn to do the laundry because she had nothing else to do. She spent the day running up and down the basement stairs, much to the joy of my awful knees, and did the weekly laundry for the family. Today she is joining me at Blues Fest downtown because she still isn't allowed to have plans with her friends and I don't want to leave her alone all day. She's not a blues fan but she might be by 10:00 tonight.

Her extra holes are almost healed over (except the one that is infected). I gave her back her cell phone today and told her she can set something up with her friends for tomorrow. I think we've each made our point, her's being that she's a teenager and wants to make her own decisions, mine bieing that I'm still her mother and certain decisions on her part will get a certain reaction on mine.

One day at a time...

J_B--

Talkin' the talk and walkin' the walk up and down the cellar steps? Good for you.

I can't help but feel that one mild infection in one of her ear holes is no bad thing--but I'll keep my fingers crossed that it clears up.

How was the Blues Fest?

It sounds like you've been handling this spectacularly well, J_B. I'm watching and taking notes for later use...

Thanks Soz and Noddy.

We had a good time Thursday at BluesFest. We took the train downtown and the trolley over to Marshall Field's on State St. We wandered around the shops on State St., bought K a pretty top and walked over to the park. She discovered the interactive Gibson guitar tent where they had guitars set up with headphones and you could sit there and play as long as you wanted. We got some food from one of the vendors and wandered around the different stage areas.

We settled onto our blanket around 7:00 for the last two headliner acts and had a good time under the stars, listening to the music, people watching, and basking in the city lights. It was a gorgeous evening.

After the concert we walked back up to Union Station to catch a train home. The only thing open that late was the bar and McDonalds so we stopped into the McDs for an ice cream. There was a 20-something man in the next line, dressed head to toe in black which contrasted with his chest-length blond hair. I noticed his belt was strung with about 100 bullets, tip up. Just as I was thinking a nasty thought about what kind of $#&*@ would wear a string of bullets around his waist, I heard my very own almost 15 year old daughter say, 'Hey, I like your belt.' <silent groan>

When we got on the train I asked her about her taste in belts. She said, 'Face it Mom, we're different and we like different things.' She's got that right. I added wearing bulllets to the short, but apparently growing list of things that would send me over the edge.

I'm following your story with interest J_B... well more K's story than yours but you know what i mean! I know it's hard. I know it's really REALLY hard. But just so you know... I think you're doing a fab job And at the end of it I think K really will turn out... well i hate to say normal but... a balanced young lady

J-B--

At least the belt wasn't hung with bloody scalps!

You will survive this year--and the next and the next. You will survive and acquire great wisdom and dignity.

Hold your dominion.

Bekaboo -- Thank you for your thoughts.

Noddy -- Now, there's a visual!!

I realise everything she's doing could be worse. That's why I'm getting grey hair, but still sleeping fairly well. It's a passage for both of us. I remember my oldest sister telling me how much easier I had it than she did. She had to blaze the trail for the rest of us and for my parents, just like K is doing now.

I feel about the same as I would if she were 4 or 5 years old and I contemplated letting her be by a pool all alone, perhaps watching from a distant window. I would worry even if she had been warned about the dangers of the pool and not getting too close, even if she could swim a bit and her risk of drowning was minimal. Chances are she wouldn't fall into the pool. Chances are if she did fall in she would be able to pull herself back out. She might stick her toes in to test the water, she might sit on the edge causing me to panic from the window.

I know this is her adventure now. I'm just an observer, well maybe not just. I still can influence somewhat, but the decisions are really hers. I can react, and sometimes overreact but the transition isn't easy. The year I was 14 was very memorable. I think that's the year my mother turned completely grey. M is 13 now and although she's her own person and very different from K, I'm sure she has her own list of tricks on the way that will keep the teen files flowing here.

Dominion holding, thanks Noddy.

Happy Birthday, K!

15 years. In some ways it seems like yesterday, in some ways it was forever ago.

Have a wonderful birthday, sweets.


This morning K announced her pleasure at being 15 with the statement, "This is the year I learn to drive!"

and so it is....

Fifteen. One thinks of frying pans and fires and pots and kettles.....

Sixteen is much sweeter--at least for girls.

Hold your dominion, J_B.

"Happy!"

K described herself as happy today. She said it the other day too. This is the first time in her life that she has described herself as happy. The first time ever where she isn't bogged down by the feelings of depression or anxieties or taking on someone else's problems as her own. She says she's finally happy.

Yabba-dabba-doooo!!!!! I like happy.

K took an art class over the summer. She recently brought home her accumulated projects. My mouth dropped when I saw some of her pictures and sculptures. Now I know why she's struggled academically all these years. She's not an academic, she's an artist. Holy cow, is this girl talented!! We've always known she was good at drawing, but I'm getting some of these pieces framed and putting them up on the walls.

She has one more year of regular academic classes and then beginning in her junior year she will be in an art focused curriculum that will help her develop a portfolio to submit to art schools for college admission. Taking the art class over the summer really gave her a confidence boost and is at least partly responsible for the current state of happiness.

It so good to see her excited about her future. She has the European orchestra tour to focus on until March and then she'll be on the home stretch for the end of the school year. I'm going to look into replacing some of the lightbulbs in her bathroom with high intensity natural lights to try to give her a morning dose of sunlight as she gets ready for school in the morning. If we can fend off her S.A.D. in the winter then she'll be that much further ahead of the game come spring.

"Happy!" me too...

J-B--

Wonderful news.

"Happy"--with only the necessary artistic angst.

Wonderful.

Hold your dominion.

I'm smiling for you both J_B

I'm sure you've picked up on the fact that K describing herself as happy means far far more than her just ACTING happy. The days when you can say you know what? I'm happy Are the days that really count because so much of the rest of the time, even when you're not sad or properly depressed you just feel kinda glum and like it's not worth it

Glad to hear she's doing so well with her art

Cigarettes.

New boyfriend, new habits.

She came home last night in a cloud of perfume. It had to be covering up something.

We talked about smart choices, health risks, lifelong struggles to quit once hooked. Old news, but necessary to repeat.

Of the 'big four' (smoking, drinking, drugs, unprotected sex), smoking is the lesser of them all, but still...

J_B--

One bit anti-smoking of anti-smoking logic that worked with my step-nieces was wrinkles.

Is your daughter into "natural" living?