The teenage years

Noddy - Now I know exactly where "Hold your dominion" must have come from! All those boys!!!
How lucky they were to have you!

I grew up on a farm, so there wasn't a question of chores and who did what. We all had to pitch in to do what was needed.

Generally the kids are responsible for their own rooms, bathroom and whatever I ask them to help with. They are pretty good about helping, don't complain though I might hear a deep sigh and catch a rolling of the eyes if they were just getting ready to do something they wanted to do.

I think it's important that they know how to do laundry, cook and a few other things like not leaving wet towels on a bed or not to mix cleaning chemicals.

Squinney--

Thanks for the kind words.

J_B--

Knowing how to do the chores is theory. Comprehending in flesh of flesh and bone of bone that the chores have to be done.....that's maturing.

Show your daughter how to run the washer. Then let her run it. This will give you more time to worry about her getting pregnant and more energy for nixing multiple piecings.

I remember back in 6th grade--10 year olds--most of the girls in my grade had to do their own ironing and thought I was very spoiled.

bm I am most definitely coming back to this thread! Just way too late right now at 2am!

Noddy, dear, when you put it that way I'd rather be doing laundry!! : )

Lady J - Yes, I was thrilled to see this thread, too. Hope you stick around and share your wisdom. These are the best years of their lives, afterall. And we parents need to know how to appropriately throw a stick into the works now and then.

I think as parents we have to have alot of all round sitins with our children and tell them the hard facts and soft facts of procreation.One think that seems particularly nice is here in Quebec a lot of couple have their children quite young and when you see their family dynamic 10 years 15 years later they are a harmonious group of young looking people. Where Mom is still relatively totally cool as is Dad. I enjoy seeing these families out and how all the holiday dinings are filled with the extenteded mirthfull youth.

(Reading this thread with interest!)

Soz, keep posting your sozlet stories. They'll come in handy in 12 years when you start wondeiring where she got all that independence, curiosity and "wisdom."

I have my own collection of journals that help remind me that at one time I was actually encouraging these things! As it gets closer, I'm starting to realize just how hard it will be to let them go.

Oh, I can't imagine. <shudder>

Letting them go?

Somewhere in this favored land--perhaps on the Internet, perhaps in the Great Big Rulebook in the Sky--there are garbled directions for teenagers on how to cut the umbilical cord.

The process seems to involve bludgeoning the symbolic link with the proverbial blunt instrument or slashing and stabbing with a rickety, rusty paring knife.

With luck--and years of pre-planning--everyone with a sense of humor can live to tell the tales.

A close friend sent her oldest off to college this year. They had sort of a rough last year together even though they'd had a good relationship all along. I've seen this concept written about before. Somehow the teenage psyche and the parenting psyche knows the break is coming and the tensions build to the point where the best thing for everyone is simply to move on. I don't believe in always or never and I think anecdotal evidence should be taken with a grain of salt, but the same person who told me God made pregnancy last nine months for a reason also told me he decided kids should live at home for 18 years - you're more than willing to go through the pain of childbirth in the first case and the moving van in the second to let things go back to normal.

I'm still a few years away from the first one moving out and even more years before we'll be empty nesters but there are moments when I think ahead and envision a time when Mr B and I can travel at will, not around school vacation schedules, or we can make plans on the spur of the moment and not think in terms of who needs to be picked up where and at what time. I don't want to rush it, and I plan on enjoying the few years I have left but I can already see where their interests are in their friends and their social lives rather than things like family meals and spending time at home.

I'm kind of down today. I don't know how to start this exactly and I don't know where it's going to go. Maybe I'll just ramble for a bit...

I've posted before about K's depression and her self injury coping habit. She's been back in therapy for about a month and has been doing well. She's all caught up on her school work and is enjoying a week of hanging out with her friends and going on Chicagoland day trips during spring break.

We've had very pleasant weather the past few days so today, as she was getting ready to go to the mall with her friend, I noticed she was wearing short sleeves and was missing her ever-present wrist band. She seemed buoyed by the sunshine and warmth. I caught a glimpse of her arms and my heart almost broke in two. She has dozens of scars along her wrists and arms. There are probably more along her legs. We talked and I said some things that were probably less than helpful, such as having to explain her scars for the rest of her life and chosing a coping mechanism that leaves a permanent reminder to her hard emotional times. I went so far as suggesting future employment problems with prospective employers not hiring someone with obvious emotional stability issues. She said she doesn't have much hope for her future anyway....

I feel so awful. I feel bad that I can't FIX everything, that I let my own disappointment come out, that she's a great kid with such low self-esteem, that she has done these things to herself and there's no going back, that she's 14 and I remember how awful it was to be 14.

It's ironic, in a way. The list of things that I've told her I would never allow her to do until she was on her own is quite short. It includes anything illegal or unethical and getting tattoos, body piercings or other permanent changes to her body. I guess she's found a way to make some permanent changes after all. My friends tell stories of their teens picking the one thing that their child knew would send them over the top, such as the UU family whose son started wearing a cross or the DARE teacher whose son got involved in drugs, or .... I guess I am rambling.

I need to do some damage control later. Of course she's got a future. Of course I'm not disappointed in *her*, just in what's been happening. She's so sensitive though, I'm afraid we've justed crossed into a new realm.

Funny, last night I was at my 12-year old's soccer game. She was sidelined with a sore knee, and as I looked at her and her teammates, their legs were covered with bruises, cuts, and mud. For some reason I thought of this thread, though it obviously isn't the same thing. Just the visual I guess.

Anyway, to get to my point, my advice would be to point out to her that life gives you enough scars, bruises, tats, etc. You don't need to intentionally add more.

J_B--

Very few of us make it through adolescence without scars. Unfortunately, many of your daughter's scars are visible announcing, "I'm a person who when in misery would rather hurt myself than someone else."

Ideally, the misery wouldn't be there and the scars wouldn't be there, but would you really trade them for the banner which says, "I'm a person who when in misery would rather hurt myself than someone else."

You wrote:




Part of loving someone is being disappointed in them--and loving them anyway. One of the things that teenagers have to learn is what is and what is not permissible in love.

When she gets back from the Mall can you find the humility to explain that you were being very piggy and possessive about the rest of her life and that you are humbly and sincerely sorry?

She needs you and your love despite your faults.

Hold your dominion.

JB
I can only imagine how you must feel. 14 is a very tough age and it's hard trying to figure out the right things to say to our kids in times like these.
All you can do is give her all the love and support that you can and pray that she finds her way.

(((Hugs)))

Thank you all for your comments.

Cj -- I was hoping you'd respond I know you have a 14 yo daughter as well. Your point is very logical and I do try to keep things logical, but with emotional disorders logic doesn't seem to sink in. It's like telling someone with an eating disorder to eat more. Logically, that's what they should do but it doesn't seem to make much difference. I hope your daughter is ok.

Noddy, Thank you, you're so wise. Thank you for that thought about wearing her banner on the outside. I'll keep that to hold on too. We talked a bit more yesterday afternoon and again last night. I told her I was sorry and it was wrong of me to assume I knew what her future holds. She *is* concerned about her future because she has so little drive to accomplish anything. That's the depression talking and I've told her she doesn't have to assume she will always be depressed. I told her I was sure she was going to make a terrific adult and she would be just fine. I was a pretty messed up teen myself so she shouldn't try to crystal ball her future and neither should I.

She comes to me for support, but not when she can't sleep because she doesn't want to wake me up. That's when most of her cutting occurs. I've told her that my own mother didn't get much sleep for a few years when I was a teen because I woke her up so often to talk through things that were troubling me. I said that giving up a few hours of sleep would be an honor if I can help talk her through her troubles. We'll see...

I guess we haven't closed the doors of communication because at the end of our talk she asked me if one of her friends could come over and talk to me because she's having troubles at home.

Montana -- Thank you so much. You're right, we can only guide them and give them roots. Then we have to pray their wings let them soar. You're hug was very much appreciated.

She seemed ok last night. Some of her responses seemed to be coming from behind the wall, so to speak but I think we've talked it through for now and we need to move forward. It's cloudy and grey today. The girls are sleeping in. I think as we move further away from winter we'll see a change in her outlook. I have to get used to seeing the scars and not react so negatively to them. Summer is coming and so are short sleeves and bathing suits.

Sorry, I don't have anything to add, I have no experience with anything like this.

J_B--

Do your best. Angels can do no more.

Hold your dominion.

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Thanks, I needed that.

I should make an effort to post on this thread when I'm not pulling my hair out because life with my teens isn't always the pits. The past few days however, have been about the worst I've seen yet from a parenting perspective.

I've now grounded one of my children for the first time ever and I need to make sure it doesn't turn into my punishment instead of her's. School's out tomorrow and we'll be spending significant hours together.

This could be a very long summer....

Have you finished spring cleaning?

I suggest you tear the house apart, one room at a time. If she helps, you're working together. If she doesn't help, at least she's not in the way.

Darn, shoulda thought of that before I sent her down to MIL's with Mr B for most of the weekend while I spent two days cleaning and prepping for our big dinner here yesterday. Actually, I gave her the choice of spending those two days here with me or going with him (he's more the lock them in their room until they're 18 type) and she chose to be with him. Probably just as well considering how steamed I was.

She's making all the right noises about lesson learning and starting over and making significant changes. Unfortunately my brain fills in the spaces with thoughts like, 'Talk's cheap' and 'It's all a smokescreen' and 'Yeah, sure, right'. Only time will tell if she's going to walk the walk or just talk the talk.