Not Sure What To Do About Best Friend

Reply Sun 28 Jan, 2018 06:01 pm
So one of my best friends is a good family friend because she dated and got engaged to my now deceased brother. He died about four years ago. She still comes to family functions and sees my family frequently. She is kind of like a sister to me.

We are currently on a trip in Ireland and something happened that has never happened before. We were pretty drunk one night and we were being kinda touchy and then she ended up sitting on my lap. As we were talking I started subtly messing around with her sexually and she was totally letting me. So I went a bit further and legit stuck my hand down her pants and kept playing around with her and she was getting into it. We stood up and moved over to the bed. Then all of a sudden she started going "No this feels wrong, you're (my brother's name)'s little brother, you call me your sister, what would your family think, how are we supposed to act around them after this... (the list goes on". When she gets up to leave she is like "I'm gonna go to bed. Probably gonna play with myself first though.... Night". Then she goes to her room.

Next day we just go on like normal and it never comes up. It is now 2 days later and it is like it has never happened. Now just me and her are going to Amsterdam in a few days and I am kind of confused. I don't know if she doesn't remember, or if she is just too embarrased to talk about it. But everything is completely normal. She does seem to be looking at me a bit more and kind of hanging out around me more and we are doing more things just me and her. Other than that our banter is the same and nothing else has changed.

I kind of want to wait until we get drunk again in Amsterdam (she mentioned drinking while we were there) to ask her about it. I don't know if I should though. I don't even really know what I want out of it.

I'll admit I haven't had sex in a year so I am kind of going crazy to just get laid, so I don't know if I actually have feelings for her or if I am just horny.

At the same time something happened a few months ago that makes me think I might actually be interested in her. We drank pretty heavily (half a handle of rum) and we ended up lying down on my bed together. Nothing happened. She just fell asleep. I was just lying next to her listening to music and she rolled over, put her head and arm on me and cuddled into me. I know she was just asleep and it was only because she felt comfortable and safe around me. But that was the first time I kind of felt something for her. I felt really comfortable and kind of happy laying there with her. And I wanted to cuddle her but I didn't feel right about it. So I just fell asleep.

Would it wrong for me to have feelings for my dead brother's ex? I know it is kind of odd, but I don't care if he is in some afterlife rolling over in his grave. He spent almost my whole life controlling me. Even though I am finally free of it somehow the shadows of his past still have a lingering affect on my life....

At some level I guess I don't know if I actually have real feelings for her or if I am just thinking with my second head. But if I did would it be wrong?

Is it wrong for me to want to talk to her about it?

What should I even talk about?

I don't even know if she rembers the other night, but I really want something to happen. But I wanted to give her space. The only reason I want us to be drinking when I do is so that I don't feel like it will be so awkward.
Reply Sun 28 Jan, 2018 06:18 pm
Talk to her when you're both sober.

There's nothing wrong per se with dating your deceased brother's former fiancee, but it's something the two of you have to talk about up front.
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Reply Sun 28 Jan, 2018 07:36 pm
Is she dating other guys?

I'm just asking. Four years is not a long grief- time after a death, but she may be moving on and having relationships.

May I ask your ages? Is there a reason why you two travel alone together?

If she is unable to see you as separate from your brother, then it's not going anywhere. Be aware that you are the closest thing to her dead fiance that can be found. It's not unusual that she feels attracted to you in some way or another!

Also - the fact that you feel you can't talk about this to her without drinking is troublesome.
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Reply Sun 28 Jan, 2018 10:40 pm
Definitely don't talk to her about it when you're drunk. If you just want to get laid, don't talk about last time. Instead, get drunk and see where it goes.

What's up with taking these trips with her? I could see a weekend to Vegas or something of the like, but Ireland and Amsterdam? Sounds like you 2 are a married couple!
Reply Mon 29 Jan, 2018 01:51 am
James3270 wrote:

I could see a weekend to Vegas or something of the like, but Ireland and Amsterdam? Sounds like you 2 are a married couple!

Clearly you've never been to Amsterdam.
Reply Mon 29 Jan, 2018 02:37 am
Alcohol is a problem for the both of you. Please see the situation for what it is. Alcohol abuse can easily become alcoholism. This is very terrible. Must avoid. Remember that sex and love are different things. If you two are using alcohol to get closer to each other please stop. Be responsible and have a serious conversation, sober. She already put a lot out there. She is concerned about doing right or wrong. She needs to be clear with you if her feelings are romantic and true or purely sexual. If they're just sexual (and dependent on alcohol) please do not enable her.
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Reply Mon 29 Jan, 2018 02:35 pm
Yes in fact I have been to both Amsterdam and Ireland. In my opinion, taking trips out of the country with someone of the opposite sex illustrates the comfort level of a married couple or long term relationship. It's really not a surprise that this happened between the two.

Not saying a man and woman who are friends can't do that, but when there's sexual attraction, somethings bound to happen. And obviously it did.
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Reply Tue 30 Jan, 2018 05:52 am
I'm not sure if you bear any physical resemblance to your deceased brother, but if you do, that might also be an issue here.

You should certainly talk about it, and you should definitely do that while you're sober. Also, given that you are in Amsterdam by now, weed won't be a good substitute for alcohol in this case, FYI.

Sounds like you are already pretty good friends. Stuff might be awkward, but given on the dynamics you described so far, it's probably necessary to get to the bottom of this, or else either one of you might end up doing something that ruins the friendship you have.

What you should talk about? Start at what happened that night, and then see how it goes.

Good luck in any case, and make sure to enjoy your trip!
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Reply Thu 1 Feb, 2018 10:29 am
well it is pretty hard situation, I should think about it
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