Having kids or not, staying on or moving on - please help

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I am 36 and my wife is 31. We have been married for 6 years. Before our marriage, we both acknowledged that we weren't ready for having kids rightaway, but also thought we would get there eventually. So we decided to leave the details for later to work out, but as it seems now things are not as simple as we thought they would be. We initially went through a married life full of ups and downs due to our somewhat incompatible personalities, so it was natural that the question of having kids never seriously came up. Why are we still together then, you might ask? The only thing that kept our marriage up was the love/affection we had and still have for each other.

Those adjustment days (years) are behind us (although she thinks they have dragged her down) and this question is back again on our table more prominently than ever before. Anyway, in the course of time, I grew out to be more keen on having kids whereas she drifted to the opposite direction since she started having nasty migraine headaches and a bad back. She thinks it is not realistic for her to have kids with her headaches and back and I tend to agree with her also. Unfortunately we are seeing no light in the end of her migraine headaches' tunnel (her bad back is less of a problem in the way of having kids actually).

Having said that, I have my own uncertainties about fatherhood and my instincts at that capacity as well. They could be very well natural though. I don't know.

Although I said that I tend to agree with my wife on her position on having kids, one part of me says that she is subconsciously using her health condition as a crutch. My male mentality makes me consider a drastic measure in order to fix her problem first (e.g. change of lifestyle like relocation to the cities she would enjoy more; It might change her mood and in the end help to get her headaches under control). But on the other hand, it is not that easy and the end results are not guaranteed either.

Nowadays our conversations about the subject keeps ending in her suggestion that we part ways if I want kids. Why that suggestion if we still love each other? Again this separation talk is part of our incompatible personality thing I told you earlier. As a matter of fact she had always a foot on separation side once our married life road would get bumpy. She is more for giving up on things that fail to work perfect from the get-go and I am more of a gradual enhancement person.

So here I am, confused about my situation and all that. Any thoughts? Thanks in advance.

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Please, do not have children unless you are both in a place in your lives when you want to dedicate yourselves to the raising of innocents who have no one to depend on other than you and your wife. A child will not make an unhappy marriage happy, it will not make a happy marriage unhappy unless one or both of the adults involved were not ready to commit themselves to parenthood. It changes just about everything, which is not always bad, but it needs to be what you are both looking for.

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I completely agree with J_B.

You might need to go ahead and decide what is more important to you -- staying with your wife, or having kids. I really doubt that any of the things you mention would change your wife's mind.

btw, I can see how having a bad back would be a major problem -- I have a sore neck occasionally, and just that has hugely impacted my ability to do my usual thing as a mom. I have a 4-year-old.

I don't think it's necessarily a deal-breaker -- I'm sure people with bad backs have kids all the time, if they really want to have a kid -- but it's also not something to shrug off.

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I might be able to lend an interesting perspective to this situation.

I never wanted to have kids, neither did Mr. B. We happily agreed on a perpetual twosome.

Four years ago our "Godson" (for lack of a better word) was born. Two years after that he moved in with us "for a few days". One year after that we began procedings to gain legal custody with hopes of adoption.

Believe me, we searched every nook and cranny of our souls about this.

The most important thing is that we agreed.

First we agreed not to have kids.

Then we agreed to raise one.

Together.

Both of us.

J_B and sozobe are giving you excellent advice. If you don't agree, don't have kids because if her heart is not in it...........

<sigh>

Raising kids is hard work. Very hard.

You really have to want it to be any good at it.

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Re: Having kids or not, staying on or moving on - please hel

ttt wrote:

. So we decided to leave the details for later to work out,

Aha! I know how that is...

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Me too.

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I agree....having children adds difficulties to a marriage, and hardly ever makes things better.

I think you should not have kids if there's any doubt at all for either of you. Remember, once you have them, you can't send them back!

Her physical problems may be due to a basic unhappiness on her part. Has she sought therapy?

I don't know anything about migraines, but I did have TMJ a while back and the condition has completely disappeared with exercises from a book called "Taking Control of TMJ." These may help her back problems and reduce her physical tension overall.

Best of luck to you!

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Hm, I guess the question is: What do you want?
If you really want to have kids in your life than you
should have them, and probably should agree with your
wife's suggestion of separation.

I was married to a man who initially wanted children - or
at least he said so before marriage. Afterwards he had
millions of reasons why he didn't. Admittedly, he would
have been a lousy father, but it was not my calling to
go through life without a child.

We parted, not soley because of the child issue, but over
the years it became more and more apparent that we
were looking for different things in life. I could not have
stayed married to him.

Today, I am a mother and as boomerang said, it's hard
work, but the rewards are so overwhelming, there is no
comparison. CHildren are an enrichment in life. Smile

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Foster parenting can be an illuminating experience.
It may help to pinpoint your parental capacities... which would be a good thing to be aware of before entering into anything irrevokable.

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His wife wouldn't be up for it Magus,
and I don't think ttt could be a foster parent alone.

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Thanks every one.

Yes I think also that the bottom line for me is whether I want kids more than living with her. I wouldn't want kids though before proving it to myself that I can be a good father, let alone now that she is having all of these problems. I don't think foster parenting would work for us either.

Last night after I posted my topic, she started having a migraine attack that is still going on. I have been busy doing the chores and errands and early this morning the furnace broke too. Then I got busy with the furnace while she was resting. So I wondered who would have taken care of the kids.

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You would, dont be so sexist. One doesn't give 50% in a marriage with kids...oftentimes one has to give 100%

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ttt,

my mother has had terrible migrane attacks almost throughout her life, and she raised 2 children, while working full time too. She went to numerous neurologists to see
what causes these migraines and all she got was powerful
medication.

With the help of the pharma industry she managed her
migraines and still could enjoy her family life.

If you want things badly enough, you'll find a way to have
them. I guess, that's the bottom line.

I wish you all the strength as you're going to need it.

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children
Two people may love each other and get married, but they may be totally unsuited for each other and cause each other a lifetime of unhappiness until death do they part.

Your wife's migraine headaches may be due to an underlying medical problem or may be a symptom of ongoing stress and unhappiness in her life. I think she needs to find the cause of her migraine headaches and work to resolve that problem.

Whenever you talk about having children, she offers you a separation. This indicates that she might not believe that the two of you are meant to be together for the rest of your lives. Your incompatibility issues and all the bumps in your relationship obviously give your wife just cause to wonder if the marriage was not a mistake and whether the two of you might be happier if you pursued separate roads. You can't bring children into a situation such as this.

I don't subscribe to the theory that relationships are hard work. If being together is a constant struggle for finding elusive happiness together, then maybe you're not with the right one. Unfortunately, some people would rather be with the wrong one than risk being alone. Personally, I would rather have a moment in time with the right one rather than a lifetime with the wrong one.

You have lots to think about.

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I am not being sexist, panzade. All I am saying is that there are days when either husband or wife should try his or her best to keep everything around the house in hand while the other one is taking care of the kids. This is a little bit more difficult for us when my wife is having headache.

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Debra_Law, what you're saying may have been true in the past, but not any more. We love each other. Our relationship is not bumpy anymore although we may be paying for having some issues now through her headaches. I am not quite sure though. She's made a confession recently that since when she realized I may want kids, she starts having guilty feeling when she sees a kids. She thinks she is depriving me from what I deep down long for. That should tell a lot.

CalamityJane, I hear also that women with bad migraine headaches are having kids, thats why I orgionally said that she may be unconciously using her physical problems as a crutch.

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But she might just plain not want kids. Our point has been that people who really want kids are able to get over that barrier, but if she doesn't want kids in the first place... That happens, not everyone wants kids, and it sounds like she never said otherwise. She didn't sell you a bill of goods that she adores kids and can't wait to have them and then suddenly do an about-face. It sounds like she's always had reservations and just hasn't gotten over them yet. She might not ever.

What do you think her statement should tell? It tells me one thing, I'm not sure if it's what you have in mind.

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sozobe,

You're right. People who do really want to have kids will work around their barriers or get to the bottom of their issues. She did have her doubts from the beginning (like me) but right now due to her physical conditions she is dead against it.

As for me, I haven't figured out how badly I want kids.

As for what she told me, it tells me that although our marriage doesn't seem to have a lot of squabblings, she is constantly carrying a guilty feeling around and it pops out specially when she sees a kid around. That's not helping for her migraine at all.

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ttt, you wrote: "Nowadays our conversations about the subject keeps ending in her suggestion that we part ways if I want kids. Why that suggestion if we still love each other? "

Bingo.

Sounds as if her "love" is conditional.

Do you really want to have kids with her, or could it be that you just really want to have kids?

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ttt--

In this day and age, a man is not a woman's whole world. You cannot unilaterally make the decisions for both of you. The decision to have children will change her life far more than it will change yours.

You write:

Quote:

"Nowadays our conversations about the subject keeps ending in her suggestion that we part ways if I want kids. Why that suggestion if we still love each other? "

She loves you--and she doesn't want kids.

Suppose she loves you and you elected to take her and join the Moonies--and she decided not to go.

Or:

She loves you and you decide to take her and do public health work in a rural area of Afghanistan.

Or: She loves you and you decide to take her and cross the country robbing gas stations east to west and west to east.

She can love you without wanting to change her entire life, ignoring her dreams to fufil yours.

Whether or not to have children must be a mutual decision.

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Having kids or not, staying on or moving on - please help

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