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Husbands best friend is a girl

 
 
Reply Wed 3 Jan, 2018 01:07 am
I need advice before I explode.
My husband has a female best friend. She lives out of state, but when she comes home it is top priority that he sees her. They have been friends for years now, since college days. He is now 30. When we first started dating he introduced me to her and we got along pretty well. As the relationship continued and we got closer their relationship began making me uncomfortable. For example they would create snap chats hugging each other and with kissy faces, and she would post picture on her social media with captions such as “Happy Birthday Booboo”. Alao texting her about her personal life and asking if a dress was cute or appropriate to wear to our engagement and wedding...
Also he fell asleep at her brothers house one day when they all went out, and that pushed me over the edge honestly. That is when I first expressed my discomfort about this relationship. He was upset at the fact that I would even instigate and assume anything and it was dropped. Months later (we were engaged at this point) we all went out together. There was a moment where we were all in the elevator together and when we got out I looked back and my fiancé and her were not behind me. Rather they were by the elevator as she was whispering in his ear about how I said something to her that made her uncomfortable. At this moment I screamed out as I walked away, “ one second guys the best friends are sharing secrets by the elevator” (immature I know, but I was deeply hurt). She then came up to me and said “******* stop this **** right now, you’re ruining our friendship”. The next day she continued on by texting my fiancé while I was with him explaining her hate for me and calling me things like crazy. My husband simply ignored it. Her and I have had many conversations on the phone and tried to squash it but now it’s just always awkward when we see each other. My husband ignores her calls as a way to make me feel better and calls her later but this honestly makes me feel even worse. I have recently began feeling better about it but she came home for the holidays recently and I lost it again.

My husband one day took really long to get home. He simply explained he got caught by a train, traffic, etc..... the night went on and everything was fine.

As we were sitting on the couch he received a message on his laptop and I noticed a text from her saying did I forget my bag? I asked what she meant and he explained that he had given her a ride from the suburbs to the city. I was extremely angry that he didn’t tell me? He purposely left that part of the story out about why he was late because he “assumed” I would be upset but failed to realize the shadiness is what hurt me. He justified but explaining “I don’t need to know every detail of his life”. I got in my car the next day and she wrote on steamed windows her name. It’s almost as if she WANTED TO GUARANTEE I knew she got a ride. Am I crazy for thinking this way?

We hung out with them some more and there was an instance where he had her phone and she allowed him to go through it. He was searching his name in her messages and it was making me extremely uncomfortable. There was even a message in there that said “remember when you got anon to share Steve’s (my husband) secrets”

This relationship is Allllll I think about. I feel so confused and hurt and I don’t even know if I have a reason too. I’m so convinced in my mind they want each other and I can’t stop. Whenever they disappear I am so afraid they are cheating and it makes me want to crawl out of my skin and just cry. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am starting therapy because of this because I’m at the point where I am convinced I am crazy. Every time I bring it up to him he gets defensive and doesn’t want to listen. What should I do? Am I feeling all the wrong things or are the things I listed reasonable enough to make me not happy about their friendship. Please help me.
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Type: Question • Score: 10 • Views: 2,014 • Replies: 12
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PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Wed 3 Jan, 2018 07:28 am
This is a toughie. They have never been intimate? Even in college?

I just wonder what's in it for her to try to drive a wedge between you and husband.
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Wed 3 Jan, 2018 08:06 am
@Anon2018,
Is this gal single or married? Because if she is married or in a serious relationship then I can practically guarantee she didn't tell her husband (or SO) about the car ride, either.

If she is single (which I suspect is more likely), then her wedge-driving behavior seems to be not necessarily that she wants your husband but more that she wants male attention. If she's unhappy with her job or her living situation or the choice of men in her area, then she's possibly craving attention.

Also - seriously - I grew up someplace other than where I currently live but I don't call going back to my folks' house "going home". If she still thinks of going back to your city as being "home" then she may not be fully committed to where she is now.

But back to them. There's not necessarily anything going on. But she is, like Punkey said, trying to drive a wedge. My husband has female friends and they don't do this kind of wedge-driving. Hell, I despised my best friend's first husband but I never tried to break up their marriage or gaslight him.

Something else is going on here.

Good on you for going to counseling. Get some tools for dealing with this.
0 Replies
 
Anon2018
 
  1  
Reply Wed 3 Jan, 2018 10:11 am
@PUNKEY,
According to my husband, they have not. It was always platonic.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Wed 3 Jan, 2018 12:55 pm
Is she like a pesky little sister? What is HIS hold to her? Why is she more than a distant rememberance of long ago?

Time for husband to fade out of this woman's life. She is clearly acting out of bounds with him and disrespecting your marriage.

He can do this - if he feels that your feelings and your marriage is more important. End all communication with a loving "time for me to focus on my wife and marriage, exclusively." Then he should block her because she will see this as a challenge to pick up.

There will be others who say it's an unreasonable thing to ask him to give up a friend, but in this case, she has not embraced you as his wife i. e. The alpha female, who should have always come first.
Anon2018
 
  1  
Reply Wed 3 Jan, 2018 01:52 pm
@PUNKEY,
She is exactly like a pesky little sister. She’s very obnoxious and loud and seeks attention. She is also extremely smart in the sense that she is aware that her actions are effecting me. I do not see him cutting her out because he is VERY close with her entire family, not just her. He admires her father. He stays out of the drama between us at all costs but has also done nothing to stop her behaviors.

Am I crazy to have been boiling when he was going through her phone and looking up his name in her messages. I felt like she knew it was killing me so she allowed him to do it. He knew I was extremely uncomfortable about him doing it yet continued. He then got mad at me for feeling uncomfortable. I am very lost.
0 Replies
 
Medusax
 
  1  
Reply Thu 4 Jan, 2018 10:55 pm
@Anon2018,
"Friend" my foot.
0 Replies
 
James3270
 
  1  
Reply Tue 23 Jan, 2018 03:45 am
@Anon2018,
I definitely don't think you're crazy.

If you were jealous right from the get go with little or no reason to be, that probably didn't help. She may have felt that you didn't like her or want her around and that could explain why she's trying her best to come between you two. She might just want you gone so she can have her friend back.

Or, quite simply, she wants to be with your husband. It's a tough one because they've been friends for a while.

My advice would be to take sometime and clearly think how things got to this point. Try to be logical (emotions aside). Then the toughest part; talk to her. Be very open and honest with her. Do not get angry no matter how hard it might be.

Afterwards, go with your intuitions but differentiate between intuition and paranoia. Intuition is strictly your gut feeling. Paranoia is in your head and makes your thoughts race.

You might be surprised and feel that she's really not what you thought. On the other hand she might just be what you thought and then you'll need to have a very tough talk with your husband. There is no reason for any kind of relationship between them if one wants more than a friendship and the other truly doesn't and you would be 100% right for wanting the "friendship" to end.
0 Replies
 
justsayin4897
 
  1  
Reply Mon 19 Mar, 2018 09:52 pm
@Anon2018,
maybe you should tell him to stop his **** with her because it is ruining your marriage, how would he like it if you had a friendship with a man, he wouldn't like it.
0 Replies
 
justsayin4897
 
  1  
Reply Mon 19 Mar, 2018 09:54 pm
@PUNKEY,
Some people thrive on other peoples misery
0 Replies
 
nononono
 
  0  
Reply Wed 21 Mar, 2018 04:19 pm
@Anon2018,
You should probably lose some weight. Couldn't hurt in the interest of keeping your husband's attention.
0 Replies
 
predo
 
  0  
Reply Sun 2 Sep, 2018 01:08 pm
@Anon2018,
It seems like you're allowing your jealously to take over. Not allowing your man to have a female friend because you assume that it's sexual is presumptuous, controlling and most definitely pushing him away. You even said the elevator whispering was in response to something hurtful you said to her, and you responded by just getting more angry. They are obviously close, and trying to get between best friends will only make everyone hate you.
You need to apologize to both of them, sincerely, if you want everyone to start feeling more comfortable and honest.
0 Replies
 
Cind7
 
  2  
Reply Sat 3 Nov, 2018 11:35 am
@Anon2018,
I have this female friend has a best friend that is a guy. And she was married but divorced. After her divorce, she hooked up with her best friend and they dated for a pretty long time.
0 Replies
 
 

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