i need some new blonde jokes

What do you call a pimple on a blonde's bum?
A brain tumor.

Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger on the back seat?
In case she locked the keys in the boot.

Why did the blonde stare at the can of orange juice for 2 hours?
Because it said 'Concentrate'.

Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said, 'Oh, look at the deer tracks.'
The other blonde said 'Those aren't deer tracks. Those are wolf tracks.'
'No, they are deer tracks.'
They kept arguing and arguing and thirty minuters later, they were both killed by a train."

What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Spot.

Did you here about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went?
It finally dawned on her.

How can you tell if a fax was sent by a blonde?
It has a stamp on it.

Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed.

Why don't you give blondes coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.

How do you know when a blonde reaches orgasm?
She drops her nail file.

Why do blondes have see through lunch box lids?
so they can tell whether it is morning or afternoon. [/size][/b]

How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
There is white-out on the monitor. How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
Shine a flashlight in their ear. What does a blonde owl say?
What, what? Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side. Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK". Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
In case she locks the keys in her car. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
To turn the blinker off. Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche. What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up. How do you get a blond out of a tree?
Wave What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
They both have black roots. Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!" A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces." How do you confuse a blonde?
Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms. Why does it work?
"Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?" Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps! Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
She missed the Earth! Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
The vegetable garden. Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter". Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
It swells at night. What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
She moved. What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A blonde parade. Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out. What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
Far-from-thinkin What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
She slipped off and fell down the drain. What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
"Oh look! Donut seeds!" What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Spot. What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
Air Supply. Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A blond electrician. Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
So brunettes can remember them. Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck. When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
When you have a tire pump to reinflate it! What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
The Air Pump! What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A blonde going through a flashing red light. What is the definition of gross ignorance?
144 blondes.

Whats the difference between a blond and a washing machine?

The washing machine doesn't follow you around for a week after you drop a load in it.

THAT WAS WRONG!!!

A blonde walks into a bar. Ow.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a black wig?
A: Artificial intelligence.

A blonde stopped by a pond. She saw another blonde across the water. She shouted out "How do I get to the other side?" The second shouted back "You're on the other side."

The Blonde who wanted to be a deputy

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try
out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's
right."

Then he said, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

The blonde replied, "Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that
he had never thought of himself.

"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" asked the
sheriff.

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard
for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" said
the sheriff.

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor where her pals were
waiting to hear the results of the interview.

The blonde was exultant. "It went great! My first day on the job and
I'm already working on a murder case!"

Blonde Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting
all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake.

After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a
circular hole in the ice.

Then from the heavens a voice boomed,
''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,
poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut
yet another hole in the ice.

The voice boomed,
''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice.
Then she started another hole and once again!

the voice said,
''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

The very scared blonde raised her head and said,
''Is that you, Lord?''


The voice answered,
''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!

Re: i need some new blonde jokes


Tell a blonde to go in a round room and sit in the corner it will get her confused

A blonde walksinto a barber shop with a set of headphones on. She sits in the chair and tells the hairdresser to cut her hair but she must no remover the headphones..

The hairdresser begins to cut her hair when she gets to the part where the headphones are, she asks if she can please take them off....

the blonde says no... after awhile of cutting the hairdresser gets frustrated and removes the headphones...

the blonde drops dead..... the haridresser, not knowing what happened put the headphones on....

what she heard on the headphones was


breathe in... breathe out... breathe in..... breathe out.....



P.S. I AM BLONDE (but not too stupid, just crazy)

a blond really needed some cash, so not knowing what else to do she went to a school and grabed the first child she saw unattended

The child was so surprissed to be grabed that he didn't even scream, the blond took him around a tree about 500 yeards away from the school and wrote a note saying

'I'm a blond that needs cash, i have kidnapped your kid and if you ever want to see him again put $5000 in a bag and leave it under this tree'

she promptly gave the note to the kid and set him back to deliver ythe note to his mother, the next day there was $5000 in a bag under the tree with a note attachted to it saying

'Here is your money how could you do this to a fellow blond!'

(no offence to any blonds out there intended)

What do you call a blonde with a brain?
Pregnant.

Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am." Does that mean blondes don't exist?

You've got mail


A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.

She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."

The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

She was so blonde that she sold her car for petrol money!!

A blonde bought a packet of peanuts, she read the warning label on the back 'may contain nuts'.
When she got home her husband reminded her she was allergic to nuts. She replied it says MAY contain nuts, i figured I'd take the chance!!

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.


The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

No, she would be called a golden retreiver.

Two blondes are standing looking at the moon in a backyard in Sydney.

Suddenly one of them says to the other. "Which is closer, London or the moon?"

The other looks at the first blonde and says "Well duh. Can you see London from here?"

Two brunettes and a blonde just broke out of jail, while running form the police they run into an old barn to hide. The first brunette hid up in the loft, the second brunette hid in the stalls, and the blonde hid in a potato sack. The police ran in. One cop ran up to the loft and the brunette says, 'meowwwww'. 'Nothing but a little cat up here' says the cop. 'Okay, let's go check the stalls' So the other brunette says 'moooooooooo'. 'Oh, nothing here but a cow'. 'okay, lets go check over there by that potato sack' so they go over there and the blonde says 'potatoooo'

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.

After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.

Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

The year in review for a Blonde

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels ... "duh"...bottles won't fit in typewriter.

March - Got excited ... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months ... box said "2-4 years".

April - Trapped on escalator for hours...power went out.

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid ... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

June - Tried to go water skiing ... couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast-stroke swimming competition ... learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms.

August - Got locked out of car in rainstorm ... car swamped, because top was down.

September - Lost on a TV quiz show. The capital of California is "C"... isn't it?

October - Hate M&M's ... they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4-1/2 days ... instructions said 1hour per pound and I weigh 108 pounds.

December - Couldn't call 911..."duh"... there's no "eleven" button on the phone...

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