i need some new blonde jokes

We have a great t-shirt in the UK with this on the front.
Please speak slowly, Im a natural blonde.

Also a joke.
Why dont blondes have long tea breaks?
Because it takes too long to retrain them.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear


Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light




Heartbroke, by all means post a question, or an explanation of your current situation, that is if you would like optimum responses. The people here are so helpful and kind, and we have a lot of fun!

Don't be shy with a question.

Here is the first of a few I've got saved:

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other
kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4,
5,
6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping ho! me from school. Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the
other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her
tank
top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all worked in an office with the same female boss. Each and every day their boss would leave work early.

One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know?

So that day, all three sneaked out of the office as soon as the boss was gone.

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, baking and puttered around the house.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting her dinner date.

The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her BOSS!

Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they were leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was coming with them.

"No way!" she exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

Pete, that's a new for me. lol.

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,

"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,





Wait for it - it's good








"To apply, push up bottom."

SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT:

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She tripped over the cordless phone.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.

She told someone to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK.

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

When she heard that 90% of all accidents were
around the home, she moved.

****

Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.

Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? They're too hard to retrain.

What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring.

Why can't blondes be pharmacists? Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.

What's the definition of eternity? 4 blondes at a 4-way stop.

What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean? An air pocket.

What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? "OH, LOOK! Donut seeds!"

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts,
"Ready!... Aim!!..."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts,
"Ready!... Aim!!..."

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!... Aim!! ..."

....and the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

The blonde walks into the living room and asks her husband to help her with a jigsaw puzzle.

"No matter how many different ways I arrange the pieces, I can't make it work!" she whines, throwing up her hands.

"What is it supposed to look like?" her husband asks.

"Ill show you." The blonde goes back to the kitchen table and gets the box. She brings it to her husband and says, "See? It's a tiger."

The husband sighs. "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box, honey."

Did you hear about the blonde that got fired from Quality Control at the M&M's company? She kept sending back all the W's.

i like all of them good thank you all lol its cracking me all up ahh yea material girl yea my friend that i was talking about actually has that shirt im telling you she is one blonde i dont know if anybody could beat her stupidity sometimes

*sniff sniff*

It only applies, if it is true, and we all know you are exempt. Chin up.

A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in
Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class
section and sits down. The flight attendant watches
her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells
the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will
have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm
blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm
staying right here." The flight attendant goes into
the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that
there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that
belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to
explain that because she only paid for Economy she
will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde
replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Montreal and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should
have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a
blonde. I have learned to speak 'blonde."

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and
without question she gets up and moves back to her seat
in the Economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot
are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move
without any fuss.

"I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."

________________________________

Theres a blonde and a brunette in a elevator. And a man walks
in with really bad dandruff,so the brunette says "Someone
should give him some Head and Shoulders" and the blonde replies "I
know how to give head but how do you give shoulders?"


__________________________________

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

A:Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.

And just to be fair...... :wink:


********* REDHEADS *********

How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
Say something

How do you get a redhead's mood to change?
Wait 10 seconds

If you love a Redhead, set her free ... if she follows you
everywhere you go, pitches a tent in your front lawn and puts
your new girlfriend in the hospital, she's yours.

What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
Normal.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every
night?
A redhead!

How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you?
She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl

How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer?
There's a hammer embedded in the monitor.

Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy.
One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other
is to let her have it.


********* BRUNETTES *********

What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.

What's a brunette's mating call?
"Has the blonde left yet?"

What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation.

What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A hostage.

Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache.

What's the difference between a brunette and a donkey?
Not much, except the donkey lets you ride it.

A blonde and a brunette were walking along the road. The brunette said "hey there's a dead bird".
The blonde, looking up to the sky says "Where?"

How can you tell Pat is blonde?

A Pat SNOW STORY





One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio while eating breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even- numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through." Pat goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through." Pat goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park . . ." Then the electric power goes out.



Pat is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"



With the love and understanding in his voice that all
men who are married to exhibit, Leroy said "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Q: How do blondes hold their liquor?[/b]

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[size=7]......................[/size]A: By the ears.

A blonde was hired for quality control in the TickleMe Elmo factory; the next day, production ground to a halt.

The manager quickly spotted the problem and approached the new employee. She was hunched over a pile of Elmos with a needle, thread, and a pile small, red, fuzzy puffballs.

Seeing what she was doing, the manager sighed, took her aside, and explained, "you're supposed to tickle him twice to make sure the electronics are working. Two test tickles, not testicles!"