if you're being used/if he's intersted?

He could be a "Just Say No To Commitment" sort of guy, it's true. But I thought his lack of calling was due more to long-distance phone charges than a lack of interest on his part. Did I just misunderstand?

re
yeah he is far away now...but i dont know he's still in the same state...it's odd, but he has assured me he has no other girlfriend...

Here in Florida, it costs more money to call long-distance within Florida than it does to call, say, New York City.

Relax....deep breaths....relax....

Anyone who hasn't participated in one of class241 threads in the past might want to take a look at the history. Everything old is new again.

TeeHee!

I was once exactly like her. I could have gotten several university degrees, written a few books, maybe become an Amazon in the amount of time I waited for some idiot to call me. You mean, you didn't?

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thanks for the tip beth

Well i got a text from him last night that say, i miss you, things here are good, i'll call you tomorrow.

So i feel better after having read that. At least he's thinking of me and i guess he must miss me if he says so...

With this guy Class, I've read what everybody wrote-- this is a lesson for you, so you better be listening. I feel that you're being too needy--- constantly needing his reassurance that he's interested, that there's nobody else, that he still wants to be with you. Be okay with yourself, girl!!! You're a strong, independent woman!

If you're doing your own thing and being okay with yourself, he's going to WANT to be with you b/c you're awesome and not waiting around for him. And if he doesn't want to be with you, then allright, at least you didn't waste your time waiting around for him and wasting precious time wondering what he's doing and why he's not calling.

Be okay with yourself. This will attract guys faster than any over-the-counter beauty fix. Confidence is a hell of a lot more sexy than any brazilian bikini wax--- and if you've got both, then kudos for you!!!

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well he called saturday, we talked for about an hour. It was great talking to him, i could talk to him for hours. During the conversation, he said he might be coming home this weekend. I guess it depends on his brother, but then he also may have to go to a memorial service for his cousin who died 2 years ago. So we talked a little bit about that and he said if he comes home, i'll be seeing him. I kind of laughed and called him conceited. He made it sound more like he was going to have to go to the service for his cousin which i completely understand, but at the same time i'm like, well why did he even say that i might see him? whatever. It came up as to how i thought he was annoyed with me when he doesnt call all the time. He said this makes him feel like he's being insensitive. I said, i guess we are just different people. He was like, yeah we are i guess. i asked how? he just laughed and was like, oh here we go. He then said, i've basically been smoking pot for the past 10 yrs 10 times a day. I Was like, huh? He said that was an exageration, but that he's burnt out. I said, oh so we are not alike because i dont smoke pot, he said no not at all. At one point he said he was doing everything possible to be able to see me. I said, i could come there and he said, i could but it might be weird because he is staying with someone else in a crappy apt. I said, ok..then he said, well that's ok, we'll have to get you out here to see what it's like.

WE hung up at about 5pm and then my roomate and i had people over-all couples except me. at 9:15 i sent him a text that said, i miss you rite now. He never responded. I was having fun at the party and i got pretty drunk. I didnt go to bed until about 3:15 and made the mistake of calling him-i didnt leave a voicemail luckily, but obviously he could tell from caller id that i'd called. at about 1pm the next day i sent a text apologizing for calling so late. no response. At 5pm i called him and just said, give me a call when you get a chance...no call.

I am just sick of this. I feel like i'm on eggshells all the time with him. All i needed was even just a text back that said, dont worry, or yes i'm annoyed that you called so late. To me when someone doesnt call back, it's just total disregard or lack of caring on their part...i'm thinking more and more that maybe he and i are just very different people. He KNOWs that it bothers me when he doesnt call or respond...but he still doesnt.

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no one has any advice/insight?

Yep! And we've given it! :-D

Neediness.

Insecurity.

Mixed messages.

I seem to remember that you've started therapy -- that's really great and is my overriding advice.

Well, just one more bit...I have to take back that part about "I was exactly like you" once. I never called anybody THAT much.

I think sozobe has the only answer for you: Therapy. You need to get a grip on yourself, girl, and realize this guy is not that important...NO guy is that important.

I hate to see you make yourself miserable, class, but that's exactly what you're doing.

Hey, I have an idea. Give yourself a challenge. Call him NO MORE THAN every four days. If you can do that, you don't need therapy. If you can't, run to a therapist, and I mean fast. Don't make yourself suffer any more.

Wish I could wave a wand and make you happy, class, but only you can make you happy.

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do you really think i called that much? He had called me saturday, then i sent a tect, called, sent another text, then called again...to apologize basically. I guess that is kind of a lot. Again though I always feel like I'm screwing up around him!

I thought about it last night and this morning and as hard as it is to admit, i really dont think he and I are right for each other. Perhaps I can be a little needy-i'm working on it, but I think he is pretty downright insensitive. What is so hard about giving someone a response? He wants a casual relationship-I dont. There's really not much more to be said. HE is causing me more pain than happiness.

Honestnly i had a dream last night that i was pregnant and the baby was his. I was trying so hard to get in touch with him, to tell him what had happened, but he wouldnt take my calls and he wouldnt call me back. I guess that was just a sign for me-I'm done with this.

On the calls and especially texts - I'm just one voice out of a thousand, and its different for every guy - but those text messages totally freak me out, for one, if they come in sequences.

If someone calls, you can talk a sec or if its not convenient, say, hi baby, i cant really or dont really feel like talking right now ... but i love you ... like that. But if someone sends you text messages, you're basically supposed to reply, even tho its annoying like f**k to have to type stuff out all the time, and they might come at the weirdest moments - or ignore, and be considered rude, insensitive and whatnot.

I feel totally haunted myself when someone texts me every day. Same with voice mail messages, leaving you continually with the feeling, oh **** I still have to call back - I mean, all the time, because if you do mail or phone back, bang, few hours later there's another text message and you're back to square one, with a backlog on what you're supposed to have replied to, feeling guilty or stressed. I mean, damn.

With me its worse cause I have an old phone, stores just 15 messages, so I cant choose myself at which point I would like to write/talk back, because I have to respond to the messages I get before being able to delete them and get new ones - so if someone sends me three in a day, two days in a row, bang, I've just become unreachable to anyone else. Like I said, haunted.

I dont know how your guy feels, class, but way I see it is that if you love or like each other, you should talk if and when you wanna, and not out of guilt or because you have to or because someone's sending you the third message in a row referring to how you didnt yet respond to the previous one ... I mean, no offence, but give the guy a bleeding break. He's trying to lead his life over there too. He's not your babysitter who needs to check up on you every evening - he's someone who should feel relaxed with you, and you with him. You seem to be injecting a lot of stress into the relationship.

Let go. If he's really not as interested as you would like him to be and as you are afraid he isn't, well then pestering him with messages every day is hardly gonna help is it? And if he is, then forcing him to prove it to you all the time is well likely to change that soon. Respect him and he's likely to respect you too. Police him and force him to jump through hoops all the time (and yes, even just something like nagging about responding to texts sent in half a day-sequences can be a really grating hoop-jump exercise), and you'll freak him out.

Just one guy's opinion.

If a guy likes a girl he will continue speak to her after thay have 'done the deed'.

If a guy is using a girl he wont talk to her ever again once they have 'done the deed', unless he wants to do it again at some point which will be the only reason why he talks to you.

Seeeeeth,dam men!!!!!!!

material girl, have you read all the posts from class? I mean not EVERY SINGLE one but just all the ones here on this thread even.

I definitely think it's yucky if men say they'll call and don't -- ever -- but I think what's going on here is a lot different.

Excellent post, nimh.

Admittedly I havnt as I think it would wind me up, so my comments may not be based on the posts.I will refrain from posting.

Except-I think blokes are generally nice and decent its just the 'heartbreakers' that ruin it for the rest of the guys.

I shall say no more.

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thanks for the advice. I'm confused because at one point he would call me everyday and respond to my texts. He told me that once he went back to where he's from he wouldnt be able to call all the time and hoped i wouldnt be upset. Well damn, i thought it'd be more than twice a week! He assured me he's not dating anyone and I guess i believe him. I mean i've met/hung out with his family a few times. I just dont get him and i'm worn out/tired of trying to figure him out. He is not communicating well with me. I dont see him, we talk twice a week, what is the point in having anything? We confirmed that we are more than just friends, but heck...i talk to people i cant stand more than i talk to him. I dont NEED him, i dont NEED to talk to him, but i do NEED to know where i stand and if this is going anywhere. I dont WANT to be a f*ck buddy and it hurts to think that perhaps that's what i am...he says i'm not but what guy is really going to tell a girl, oh sorry you are. I mean we do things together like go out but. i dont know
I'm just hurt at his lack of responding to me...that's all i can say. I dont know what is going on in his head.

Honest question - is anything he's gonna say or do from over there make you stop feeling like that? What would he have to do or say to make that feeling go away, exactly?

I say, people have different communication habits / standards / preferences. The cliche is that women always want to talk, talk, talk, while men feel that none of the talking may mean ****, but just feeling at ease with each other means the world (yes, I'm a guy so my preference shows up in how I worded that). I dunno. I do know that what one person considers "not communicating well" another might consider a healthy way of just being yourself and taking it easy. While that person in turn might consider the communication habits that the first considers healthy evidence of an intense mutual understanding more sort of grating and relentless.

I dont know what kind of person he is, but at the moment, I'm sorry to say - no offence - I have the feeling that nothing he could do or say from over there would drain that feeling of invalidation / insecurity / suspicion you're having.

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i dont know what he could say. I guess it's difficult not being able to see him...that's why i think talking more would be beneficial...but not to him. At this point i'm jsut worried that he's freaked out by the amount of times i called him on sunday...i'm pretty sure i wont be seeing him this weekend regardless, but i'm wondering if i'll even hear from him again.

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well i spoke with him last night. He called, and sounded fine. He was worried that i was upset because he didnt call back right away. I said, no i'm not upset, i didnt expect a call back right away. He mentioned that this weekend he'd be attending his cousins memorial service and then going to a big aa meeting in nyc. On saturday he mentioned that he might be home this weekend, and if he was we'd hang out. he said again that he was worried i'd be upset. I said, no, you dont have to feel like you're always going to be upsetting me. He said, i know, i just know that you're sensitive. So out of the blue he says, so what are we like casually dating? I said, what? he says, well the last time i was there that was the hot topic of discussion, you were trying to figure out what we were. I said, well i guess...do people who are casually dating have sex? He said, yes, yes they do. I was like, really, so what are we f*ck buddies? He just laughed and was like, i've heard that term. I said, well i dont like that, i dont want that at all. HE was like, i never said, you did, i dont think of it in that way. i asked if he was dating/hooking up with anyone else, he said no, not even close. I said, well what if this weekend you meet someone else. HE said he had no plans of doing that at all and that i shouldnt worry about things like that.
I feel better that things are ok with us...but i guess i'm confused as to why he's termed us as casually dating...i mean i've only met him on dec 3rd so it hasnt been long...i just wonder what his intentions are, if he wants this to become somethign more or if he just sees me as ms right now, but knows he doesnt want to be serious with me...i didnt want to ask that though.