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Mon 4 Dec, 2017 01:56 pm
I love my fiancé, I really, really do. For the purpose of privacy, we’ll call him Don, instead of his real name. Don’s an amazing man. I’ve been with him for about three years and he’s always been patient and kind, we get along great, we have the same sense of humor, I’m in love with him, but I also just genuinely like him as a person. He’s my best friend. I want to marry him, I want him to father my children, I want to grow old with him. And on top of all this, he’s a literal “dream guy” - an incredibly handsome and sweet neurosurgeon. And we’ve been through a lot, pretty much all of it my fault entirely, but he’s been patient and kind with me throughout it all, and we always come out feeling more strongly for each other than we did before.
But I cheat on him.
It’s more emotional than physical. Usually I just message guys online. I like to flirt, I love the attention. And it’s not that Don doesn’t flirt with me or give me enough attention because he really, really does. It should be enough. But I feel like I’ve so much love to give. And, not to sound cocky, but guys tend to fall for me pretty hard too. I just get along really well with people. And honestly they’re usually really great guys too. So sometimes those online messages turn into daily facetiming, and for only two so far out of the literal dozens, eventually meeting after we’re completely swooning for each other, and I’ve yet to actually sleep with any of them, but it does get pretty physical and oh boy do I want to sleep with them and so much more.
Now, Don and I are in a long distance relationship. We won’t live together until we marry. But we talk every day, the sex is great, and, as I said, I really do love his guts. So I don’t understand why I fall for other guys or even why I put myself in the position to speak with other guys in that way. Actually, he used to be one of those guys. I was in a relationship from the time I was 14 to the time that I fell in love with Don. But that relationship was different. I was unhappy for years with him and every time I’d try to leave him he’d just show up again. So cheated on him a lot too, but when I found Don, I got the guts to stand up for myself and leave that toxic relationship so I could start a life with Don. I really thought that I wouldn’t even be interested in that kind of lifestyle anymore now that I was in a good relationship, yet here I am. And even when Don and I are married and live together, I have a feeling I won’t feel differently than I do now.
I talk to a lot of guys. I’m not usually serious about them, but I do enjoy them and care for them. There’s this guy I’m talking to now and he’s really great… and I am serious about him. I did get to meet him and I do love him. Not exactly in the way I love Don, but I want to continue being with him and making him happy. And he makes me happy too. And I know I could leave Don be super happy with this new guy too, but even if I did that, I know I’d cheat on him too. Besides, I know Don is the one.
I know that morally this is really terrible. It’s not fair to any man I’m involved with. It’s not right. I know I should feel guilty, but honestly, I don’t. And I don’t want to stop. I know I have to, but I keep putting it off. I love the attention, the diversity, the excitement of falling each other. I crave feeling that passion over and over again. I love being there for people and caring about them in the loving way that they desire. I love feeling that in return. I love making them happy. And I feel bad when I hurt them, which is why I hide this all from them, but otherwise I don’t feel guilty at all. And part of me wishes I did. And I thought maybe I’d just be one of those people who needs an open relationship, but that’s not the case because I don’t feel comfortable with them finding physical and emotional attention elsewhere because then I just feel inadequate.
I can’t blame it on the guy or the relationship because, other than my cheating ass, everything is great as can be. It would be too simple to blame it on the fact that I’m 25 and haven’t experienced the “single life” since I was 14 when I wasn’t even really interested in guys yet. I’m sure it doesn’t help that I have major depression and anxiety and no self-esteem at all, or that I was abused physically, sexually, and emotionally as a child, but it’s still more than that. I’ve genuinely questioned (and researched) whether or not I’m just a sociopath, but I don’t think that’s the case either because, truthfully, I really do care about these guys, I’m just selfish and bad for them.
You see, I don’t quite know what’s wrong with me. And I don’t know how to handle things from here on out. It’s easy to say “I’ll drop them all and never cheat again,” but I know that’s not true because it’s not what I want for myself. I crave that personal connection with people. So my dilemma is this: I know what’s right and I want to be a good person, but I also know I’ll never be fully content if I do that. So what do I do now?
@cl-84,
cl-84 wrote:Now, Don and I are in a long distance relationship. We won’t live together until we marry.
So what do I do now?
what do you do?
one of you needs to move sooner rather than later. live in the same city for at least a year - dating. if that works out, then move in together and give that a year or two.
the cheating will either work itself out or it will get in the way of a real, in-person, relationship
the long-distance thing doesn't work for a lot of people - don't marry til you have a few years together
@cl-84,
Quote:...what do I do now?
Seek counseling. Find out what exactly is going on in did your head to make you hurt a guy you love. Find out why you want to destroy your chance at a full and happy life.
@ehBeth,
I actually agree. It's what I'd prefer, but his religion and cultural standards won't allow it. We're the same religion but I'm more lax clearly.
@Sturgis,
This is me seeking counseling, to be honest. I have a therapist but, eh. I actually really appreciate how sincere these answers have been though, so thanks guys.
@cl-84,
You may need a different therapist, one you can talk openly to. A therapist who won't judge you, but, rather will move you to self examination and then a happier life.
You really need to find out why this behavior of seeking control and needing adulation ( you call it "pleasing others") is so powerful in your life. (Pre-Addiction ?)
One reason: You are young and just not ready to settle down now. So be single for a while and sow your oats, as they say. (I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you aren't a sex addict in the making)
Above all, You owe your guy honesty. Tell your not-fabulous-enough-for-you Dr. that you need some space and freedom right now. Right guy/wrong time.?
Somehow I think he's not going to be that surprised.
Seek counseling - with a female therapist- who can help you sort all this out.
@cl-84,
cl-84 wrote:Besides, I know Don is the one.
well, no
what you know is that based on a long-distance relationship, you think you'll be a good match
you don't know that til you've been living together for a while.
+++
you know you're going to have to talk to Don
you don't have to tell him everything - but you do need to tell him that long-distance is not working
Quote: It would be too simple to blame it on the fact that I’m 25 and haven’t experienced the “single life” since I was 14 when I wasn’t even really interested in guys yet. I’m sure it doesn’t help that I have major depression and anxiety and no self-esteem at all, or that I was abused physically, sexually, and emotionally as a child, but it’s still more than that.
Well yeah initially I was going to say - it might be a good idea to just simply be on your own for a while - not committed to any one man. You have never experienced that. It doesn't seem like you want to be committed if you so easily have affairs and cheat - yes you can truly care about this Don. But by your actions you don't seem like you really want to be in a committed relationship. And you know what? That is ok. What is not Ok is to lead this man on thinking he is in a committed relationship.
Now the other side major depression/anxiety/no self-esteem; previously being abused - I know you said you have a therapist but do you know if these previous issues are impacting your current relationship(s)? I cannot see how it would not. Does your therapist think it is a good idea to be committed to one person? Does your therapist think your cheating is a result of these other issues?
Shouldn't you work on yourself now - you said you are a bit selfish - which at your age you kind of should be. This is a time for you to grow and see what you want in life. It is hard to do that when you are committed to marry someone.
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