Life at home

I have been giving him clues. I have been telling him things like, I need a lot of quiet solitude (him too, he says). He asked about scleaning schedules. I told him the previous tenant had not once cleaned the bathroom and that if he did that it would be unacceptable to me. He asked if we were clean freaks, I said no. And, knowing that these were totally loosely defined terms, I asked him to tell me how often he thought he might clean. He said that he certainly wouldn't do it more than every two weeks (that'd be crazy!), maybe once per month. Ok, I can deal with that IF HE DOES that. We'll see. When I told him he could use dag's bath until she got back, I also told him he'd have to clean it before she arrived back home. He agreed to, but he didn't. Even after I reminded him a couple times.

When I interviewed him he asked questions about how we were with something like spare shaved hairs in the bathroom sink. I told him to make an effort to swish them down the drain. I also said that I am much more creeped out by hairs all over the counter part of the sink - the plane parallel to the floor where I might rest my hands, or lean against. He complained about previous housemates being anal and bitchy. I am begining to see where the miscommunication happened. We didn't define enough terms.

Again, I'm admiring of all this. I've not had a place where this would have worked, and don't now either, one bathroom always not ok in one part or the other - on the couple of occasions I've had more than one bathroom.

But I've a friend who paid her mortgage for a couple of decades - in different places - by sharp buying in the first place (room and bath relatively separated in whatever she bought).

Given who I am, I might have to attack the tennant or flee...

He might need more than clues, littlek. Put a laminated note in the
bathroom (preferably next to the mirror) with the rules.

1. Reduce all noise.
2. Always flush and keep the seat down
3. Clean the sink and shower after you used it
4. ....

I draw a blank here, as I never had a roommate. Spouses are so
much better to deal with and train.

You and dagmar have lived together for quite a while, you're friends
and you know each others habits. Mr. Portugal is new and needs to
learn, as he's apparently clueless (pun intended).

Wow. This all sounds very complicated and delicate. I get that. So many details to hammer out.

Hopefully it all gets worked out with some time, and maybe some wine (or beer). I have no advice because I know I am difficult to live with - kind of in my own little world like this Portugese guy.

Tenant, I meant tenant...

Do you have any kind of back porch with hook for ... dripping items?

Don't hint. Just tell the guy that it embarrasses you, for heaven's sake!

I've sworn at my roomates for stupid sh!t, but the way I said it I got away with not being a total dick. Except nobody ever cleaned one of the bathrooms even though one said he would, so I just got a housecleaner to come in once a month.

yeah, i think we'll need to learn to be assertive in giving those clues to him. he's not a bad guy, just does not operate on the same instincts we do. kris and i are different in many ways, but it works, because we get 'it', at least i hope. but he has no instincts.
as of now, being around for only a few days, it's the close talking that freaks me out the most. when he starts talking at me, my eyes start to shift and i have an urge to run or hit him with a heavy object at hand. again, not his fault, but this one's hard to communicate. "excuse me, but could you please stand two feet further away from me? you're making me nervous... i may become violent soon."

It could be beneficial to just explain this...




Never mind this current situation, people need to be tuned in to detecting different cultural boundaries.. think of telling him as a favor...

certainly. some things are just hard, or uncomfortable, to explain. close talking is one of them. it has an offensive potential. i'm trying to imagine how i'd feel. i would certainly try to understand...but i'd still be hurt. it's not easy. i don't think i'll be able to put this subject on the table.

Back in my landarch classes, we were assigned to act some of this stuff out.
Eeeeeeek.

So, ok, I sidled up to a dozen people at check out counters and tabulated their reactions.. some leapt away from me fast (whew) and some not.
Well, this space stuff is very cultural.
Me, now, years later, at my age, if faced with roomies of different cultures, I'd talk about it.
Better, to me, to talk about it than to have secret codes flying around a room - that has adolescent aspects and - besides that - can be icky in the working out of.

When he gets close to you while talking, get closer to him yrself - that would freak him out !!

Oh, I'm starting to feel a wee bit sorry for this fellow!
He is probably trying very hard & perhaps coming on a little too strong?
Give him a little time & keep talking straight.

The key words being:

Hard
Strong
Little
Straight

yes, he is trying hard. i appreciate that. but he's trying too hard and i have soooo much on my plate right now with work, visa issues, marriage stuff and devil's advocate mother, i need my home to be a place of comfort where i can actually rest. none of it is his fault, but it sure as hell ain't mine either. i am overwhelmed and not in the most accommodating of moods at the moment. i am going through hell thanks to the department of homeland security, getting in debt, figuring out how not to get deported and be able to pay my rent, so listening from a 5cm distance about the pros of his ipod for the fiftieth time makes me angry. some things won't change: he won't stop being weird and boring no matter how many rules we set up. i don't like him as a person very much (not that i dislike him either, but we won't be best of friends for sure) and would prefer if he went about his business. but so far so good i suppose.
we are working things out. this place here is for venting, which is what i really need at the moment.
actually, the rage i feel right now doesn't have an iota to do with him. it's my mother's doing and i am transposing it into the life at home situation... gah, i'm a mess.

Aw, dag!

Keep smiling ! Everything will be fine.

I've read back about five pages and IMHO I think this is never going to work out. I think you should be honest with the guy and tell him the roommate chemistry is just not there. Give him a couple of months to find a new place and start looking for a new roomie (I still think you should go with a female or a gay guy). It's like any relationship- some work, some don't. Why waste energy being annoyed with someone you are not compatible with when you can all move on? I think the sum of his little habits will just keep building up and the two of you are going to end up hating and resenting this guy. I don't want to see a future thread entiltled: "Need suggestions on hiding a dead roommate in Boston?".

at least we're teamed up. just now we turned down his repeatedly presented idea that we should put a new table that he had us help him drag in from the street smack in the middle of the kitchen. which would be right in my way as soon as i step out of the room, which is off the kitchen. or in anyone's way, really. it took a number of very assertive and resolute 'no's from both me and lk, he still thinks we're wrong. but who cares, the table's not in the middle of the kitchen and that's the key. gah.

ugh