Not Wanting to move Forward in Life For Fear it will hurt others?

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Well first off i Wish i was around here more cause I Love you guys! but i always remember this place and stop by time to time still....Im doing just terrific.

Working full time and just Got a terrific new part time job as well....Im Moving Into a New place with a pool and its just beautiful! Everythings really good.....but onto My question or Comment To discuss....

Why do we Not want to do the things that we KNOW are Right Or Necessary to Move forward in life Or to better ourselves For Fear that it will Hurt Or Even Inconvienence Others? I've encountered Several Examples Of this Recently that im Debating and its just strange! because i know Whats right here....and i know What NEEDS to be done but Either im Not Doing it Or Feeling terrible about it.....

Take my new place....My Roommate Just lost his job a week before Moving and He SAYS he has 3 months rent but what after that? He has horrible work ethic and Even if he DOES get anotehr job within that time its almost certain he wont keep it Leaving me with 1500 a month in Rent......but Im Still moving with him cause he's a terrific person and Friend to me and i wont let him be homeless.....although i KNOW Full well that this decision is Going to **** me sooner or later.

And my New part time job is a terrific step forward in my carrer...and Im Doing it but I feel bad that it will inconvience My Current jobs schedualing....Even though its just 2 lost shifts and i'll work to make up for them with other shifts i still feel bad Telling them Cause there more like Friends to me than just a "job".

So who else does this? Its a crazy thing Sorta....I guess im To Conerned with The Feelings of Others and should focus a bit more on whats best for ME and What I need out of life.....Who knows.What do u guys think?

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Type: Question • Score: 1 • Views: 1,164 • Replies: 10

[+3] - sullyfish6 - 02/22/2010In any situation, we have to look at whether it is healthy for US and well as the person we think we are "helping." Especially if you are a child of alcoholics or raised in a...

@mrhunt,

Either toss him out and find someone who can pay or have him work for the rent. Cleaning shopping etc. If you are to support the layabout, you might as well have more time in your life.

As for why...we are a social animal. We enjoy helping others. Some take it a little too far, you for example. Help should be out of the fat, not the meat and bone.

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@mrhunt,

I am kind of stuck with this kind of thing as well. I drive my mother to work every day. We leave her house at 4 in the morning and I pick her up at 1:30, every day. My father has a problem where he can't drive. It drives him crazy, but it is not safe for him or other drivers if he is behind the wheel. So I do it. My mother could get her license if she wanted too. It would knock her insurance up to 2100 dollars ever 6 months though.

There isn't that kind of money in the budget, and well I don't mind helping out. But I want to go back to school. The school I want to go to is about an hour a way. I would probably commute, I could still drop her off in the morning but I wouldn't be able to pick her up. It makes me want to try and find a closer school, but that means a local community college, and I don't want to waste the resources of the GI Bill on a community college. I am stuck with trying to figure out what to do.

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@Seed,

Bus?

For your mother?

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@mrhunt,

Well, if you know you are going to end up screwed financially, I think you may need to find some resolve.

Also, once your friend screws you financially and has been a millstone around your neck and all, you'll not be friends.

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@dlowan,

Nope, we live in the country and no buses run out this way sadly

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In any situation, we have to look at whether it is healthy for US and well as the person we think we are "helping."

Especially if you are a child of alcoholics or raised in a dysfunctional family and your role was the peace-keeper or care-taker, (as opposed to the clown, the placater, or the rebel) there is the tendency to fall on the sword for others because that's always been our childhood role in the family. We continue that "role" in our adult lives. But as the adult, we need to figure out how to get out of that role because it's just not good for us.

What if we did not help or step in, then what? Most likely they would find other ways of coping. Or find some other person.

Learning to detach - with love - can be learned and practiced. I had to say over and over again "Sorry, I am not able to do that for you" to my parents who were alcoholic and used me for years as the fixer of their problems.

Going to help groups such as Adult Children of Alcoholics helped me years ago. But I still wrestle with exaggerated co-dependency tendancies all the time.

PS Glad to see you are well and getting by - and asking yourself some life questions. You are missed here on A2K

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@Seed,

Seed wrote:

Nope, we live in the country and no buses run out this way sadly

Ow.

But, Seed.....this driving precludes you not just from university, but from most employment!

It just isn't viable!

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@mrhunt,

mrhunt wrote:

....Im doing just terrific.

Working full time and just Got a terrific new part time job as well....Im Moving Into a New place with a pool and its just beautiful! Everythings really good.....

YAYAYAYAYAYYAAYAYAY

Great to see you Mr H. Glad to hear you're wow-ing Hawaii - still kayaking with yer mates? Pics would be fab.

Will be back tomorrow and will write a bit then. Gotta sleep - getting late here hun. Will be bavk!

Take care. Catchya later. (((MrH)))

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Glad to see you, Mr. Hunt. I tend to agree with others here about your plan to not see this guy homeless, and I imagine he has been a friend to you. But fielding all the bills (eventually) is not really a favor to him, and Sully has a point about the co-dependency aspect.

Seed, I see your problemo. Is there any chance of your parents moving?

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Your Right Guys,I DO Suppose this could be a light Continuancy of my condependent Nature From My Mother but i Suppose I Wont KNow untill i Actually Let my Roommate Not pay Rent and Me Front it all....

As of right now ive not even moved and still have another 6 days untill i even get the keys....So we'll see what develops....but yeah,He Has been a terrific friend and Helped Me Realize my condependency and REALLY REALLY helped me With my mother and Her alchahol abuse so i Feel like Im really indebted to him for that....Even though i know im not.

Hi Izzie! Always great to see you,I'll try to get you some pics soon but im always so busy paddling Ive never time for pictures! We usually go 10 to 15 miles at a time now with 1 or no breaks,Hardcore!

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Not Wanting to move Forward in Life For Fear it will hurt others?

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