I cheated on my husband emotionally after miscarriage.

I'm posting this, to find solace with myself. Just seeing it in words makes me feel better already. I just want to know if anyone would be willing to pray for us. We aren't open about it enough just yet to tell others, we pray for the situation on our own but I think there are strength in numbers.

I am 23 years old, my husband is 25. We met in 2011 and got married in the fall of 2016. We welcomed our rainbow baby into our lives in February. We lost a surprise baby 2 years ago, and since losing that child I feel as if I lost sight of who I was. I gave birth to our deceased son, on our bloodsoaked bathroom floor while my husband was working. Admittedly we tried for another baby, still with broken hearts. My pregnancy with my son was rough. There was hard patches every step of the way. Early bleeding, maternal fetal medicine appts for an being antigen M+, GD, pre-term labor, and pre eclampsia post partum. It was a lot, mentally and physically. After bringing our son home I expected everything to go back to normal, obviously with a new set of challenges being a parent but I expected for my mental health to go back to what it was. But it didn't. Infact it got worse, much much worse. I have borderline personality disorder, I was diagnosed years ago. It's something that with therapy and antidepressants, was controlled and I was always very self aware. However, pregnancy and life changes altered that. After my son I felt like I had blinders on, and couldn't see the world for what it was. I did a lot of things I am not proud of. One of which is why I am writing this. I emotionally cheated on my husband. Our relationship was lacking intimacy and respect in the face of change and our new lives as parents. We had no time for each other, and the time we did have we spent apart because we didn't want to be together. We chose to not love each other anymore. Our actions showed that. In a time of confusion and desperation, I met this man online and fell in love with him. Or so I thought. But more so, I realize now it was just the idea of love. It went on for well over a month, lying to both my husband and this third party. Recently I decided to come out and tell everyone. The guilt was eating me alive. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't see me, I saw the reflection of who I used to be. My husband took it as any would expect, but he also used it as a stepping stone. He realized that our relationship has fallen short, and maybe we both had just given up. We're trying to use this to build our marriage, gain back what we used to have, and mend the wounds. We begin counseling next week. Both independently, until 6 months when we will pursue couples counseling. For now, we're pretty desperate to know where do we go from here? We both want to put in the work to rebuild this relationship. It once was so beautiful, and we want that back. Not only do we want to make it work for ourselves, but for our sweet butterball baby too. We're willing to put in the work. I don't want a loveless marriage anymore.

If any of you have similar stories, can relate, or even just pray for us and our marriage.. I would really appreciate that. Thank you. Please let me know, if or how, I can pray for you too.