Reply
Mon 13 Nov, 2017 06:42 pm
So I met this guy online and we’ve been talking on the phone and video chatting for 7 months and then we finally met at a neutral city.
We met on Halloween and he arrived the night before me and was going to pick me up from the airport, he was so late cause his uber app wasn’t working but I didn’t mind at all, I just wanted to meet him after 7 months of chatting. He walked towards me smiling and put his arms around me and kissed me on the lips, it felt weird cause he didn’t even say hi first, and he was very touchy feely. That first day was a bit strange, he wasn’t like what I expected personality wise, he was really insecure which shocked me cause he always came off so confident. Other than that first day the rest went amazingly well, we were smiling and laughing and dancing just having a great time, he was a different person in real life but a person I was falling in love with still, he was so affectionate and physical, always wanted to hold me, kiss my hands, forehead, my neck, falling asleep holding me.
Even in the middle of the night when he’s basically unconscious he’d grab and pull me to him to kiss me. He didn’t want to let go. One time I fell asleep before brushing my teeth and he came and carried me to the bathroom to brush our teeth together, it was so surreal. He wanted to wash my hair, brush it and braid it.
Whenever we were out he’d look into my eyes and get so emotional whenever he talked about me or his feelings or how happy he is. All he was saying is I looked so beautiful and he wanted me to be happy and have a good time.
The day before our last we had brunch and I had way too many mimosas, we went back to the hotel and I told him I loved him, I don’t really remember what was even happening before that, but I was 100% sure he’d say he loved me. Everything he did screamed it. He then said I’m not at that level though.. and everything seemed to go downhill from there.
We sat down and he said he didn’t feel that spark or chemistry, but more of an intimacy comfort thing, I was so shocked, felt almost betrayed cause that’s not the signal he was giving me, that he was just so used to me. I asked him how come? He said when we kissed it was the most emotional feeling and he felt like he was pouring his soul into me. Then he said on another level I do love you, then later said I do love you, just not enough, and kept whispering I love you the entire night which really confused me so much. He said hearing me say those 3 words shook him.
He kept crying the whole night, saying sorry but that he was scared. We went to an awkward dinner afterwards, I was feeling pretty upset cause he was giving me completely different signals.
We went back to the hotel and sat across from each other saying we’ll sleep on different beds, we kept talking about random things then he cried again so I hugged him and he said he’d like if we sat together in the bed and watched tv one last time, he held me exactly like he was before, then started kissing me and we had sex for the last time, like a more romantic gentle last time. He kept saying he doesn’t want to forget my smell.
He was bawling his eyes and said he felt so bad for being late to picking me up from the airport and so insecure so that kiss was to overcompensate to how nervous he was. That he ruined that day.
He took me to the airport the next day after more crying, he said he hasn’t cried this much in years. At the airport he didn’t want to let go but eventually we had to say goodbye. He texted me on the plane saying how after 7 months he’s still stunned by me and wishing we had more time. He said he liked me even more than he expected to.
The next day was his turn to go back home and he texted me more saying he’s feeling hurt, regret, sadness and numbness, and wishing he was stronger to take this forward and he’s so sorry. He said he’d like us to be friends once we both move on, but that he needs time to find closure and move on.
I’m gutted, I feel so confused and I don’t understand what happened, I’m not that stupid, I mean if he was acting aloof or unhappy I would have known, but he acted so smitten and so happy the entire time. On our walks a day before he said he didn’t want this to be casual and didn’t want me to even say that, he said don’t you think this is worth it? He seemed so ready to go forward.
We deleted each other off social media, but I still have him on WhatsApp and he’s been checking it non stop.
I really still don’t understand what happened?
It was kind of a hookup, kind of not. It got too serious too fast, and he choked.
@Caramelpopcorn ,
Caramelpopcorn wrote:
We sat down and he said he didn’t feel that spark or chemistry, but more of an intimacy comfort thing.
WTF does this mean?
But anyway, in agreement with Jes too much too fast.....on both your parts.
People seem to be in such a rush to fall in love these days. You think you're experiencing these complex feelings after knowing each other, what? A few hours?
It's like both of you expected it to get all wrapped up neat and tidy like by the end of a 1 hour 45 minute movie.
You can't go back in time, but me? I would have made it separate rooms, and when he started immediately jumping the gun with the over the top kissing at the airport, I would have said "Whoa. We just met. Let's go have some coffee, I'm tired."
You're confused because the whole thing was all over the place. Since you enjoy each others company online, keep it up. But if you decide to meet again, set some ground rules.
@jespah,
You mean all this affectionate signs were just an act or heat of the moment and he didn’t want anything more?
@chai2,
You’re right. I should have known better and slowed it down. I think the fact that we’ve been talking non stop for hours everyday on the phone made me think that we built something solid, and towards the last few days I really felt like I was falling. I’m an idiot, but I wish he didn’t act so in love cause it made it all avalanche so fast.
But how could he say he didn’t feel the spark!? That’s not how he came off..
@Caramelpopcorn ,
You don't get to call yourself an idiot. Nor can you wish that something that has already happened didn't.
Carry on the friendship, it's not the end of the world. You're better prepared for next time.
It could be he was acting the way he thought he was "supposed to" and feels as big a dope as you.
Just slow down.
I might go so far as to say to him. "I don't think we started off as well as we could have. Let's agree to hit the reset button and both of us just act natural."
@chai2,
Thank you Chai2, you made a really good point. It went like it was meant to go.
Do you think this can be salvaged? I’ve avoided talking to him since we both got back home. I’m not sure what’s left to say or how to start over? I’m thinking if he’s not in love then that’s it and he never will be. Should I contact him again?
@chai2,
Would I come off desperate and weak though? I don’t want to be the idiot girl anymore.
@Caramelpopcorn ,
Why would I have suggested something that would make someone come off desperate and weak?
Why are you concerned about coming off that way?
I’m certainly not going to repeat myself a third time. I feel you are now simply engaging in self pity, or trolling.
Good luck.
@Caramelpopcorn ,
Caramelpopcorn wrote: I’m thinking if he’s not in love then that’s it and he never will be.
love doesn't happen in a weekend or week together
crushes can happen that way but they're pretty useless for the longterm
__
you guys went too far too fast and it scared him (and should have scared you)
__
If you think he might be a good candidate for a long-term relationship (is there a chance you might end up living in the same city at some point in the future?) then slow down, work on the friendship and try a separate rooms vacation together in six months or a year.
Internet / phone relationships take time to turn into something more.
I say that as someone who lives with someone she met online about 20 years ago. It takes time.
@chai2,
@op
pay attention to good advice when you get it
chai2 wrote:
Carry on the friendship, it's not the end of the world. You're better prepared for next time.
I might go so far as to say to him. "I don't think we started off as well as we could have. Let's agree to hit the reset button and both of us just act natural."
@chai2,
I’m not. I’m just really still confused and I feel like I should have done better or held back and that was bad judgement on my side. I’m just trying to do better since I can’t change the past now. Thank you though, I appreciate your advice.
@ehBeth,
I absolutely do. He said he wants us to be friends so I’m just wondering if saying this will make him think I want to try again with the more romantic side of things.
@Caramelpopcorn ,
You need a friendship first.
Work on that.
Don't worry about what he might be thinking. Go with what he said. He said he wants to be friends. Work on that.
@ehBeth,
We really put so much expectation and pressure on ourselves for the meeting to go perfectly. He takes things like failure so hard and I think that’s why he went all out which in turn really confused me. When we were saying goodbye at the airport we hugged tight and I told him that this is how I wanted him to greet me and that made him cry again.
Lesson learned. I hope there’s a chance in the future to make things right. I’m not sure if I should contact him soon or wait some more?
Thank you all so much. I really really do appreciate all the advice.
The whole thing sounds fishy to me.
Sure he doesn't have a commitment to someone else - and he was testing out what you two had and he decided to not go ahead with your relationship?
Pay no more attention to his contacts on line. They mean nothing. He is not there in person for you.
@PUNKEY,
Punkey, why does literally everything have a us against them, or me/she against you/him tone?
Plus, you're always so quick to take this Run! Don't Walk! Away from this person!
Couldn't it be they are 2 socially unaware/inept kids/young people who didn't know how to handle a face to face, and resorted to every romcom/Twilight movie they have ever seen? Those movies and off the wall social media being their only guide in how to behave and talk to someone.
Sounds like this guy thought he was supposed to be all kissy face after finally meeting someone for realsies after 7 months, then later realized he was in over his head.
She one the other hand sounds like she's determined to complicate a bowl of rice. She's trying to get the benefit of calling herself an idiot, how she's a failure, what should she do (even after receiving some really cut and dry advice), so that she can have attention given to her. Then she'll just repeat that she's an idiot, and what should she do.
The 2 of them just need to simmer down and realize this isn't that big a deal, start over and go from there.
Why they set themselves up by sharing a room in the first place, on a first meeting, shows they had unrealistic expectations.
They've gotten along well online for 7 months, they both got in over their heads on the first meeting.
@chai2,
chai2 wrote:
I feel you are now simply engaging in self pity, or trolling.
Good luck.
Quote:I’m not. I’m just really still confused and I feel like I should have done better or held back and that was bad judgement on my side.
I love it.
Pretty much the definition of self pity
This reminds me when I told a relative she was in denial about something, and her response, swear to god was, "I'm not in denial, I just can't believe this is happening".
Wheee!
@chai2,
Why are you taking low blows at me though? I came on here and put myself out there and shared my personal life. It doesn’t mean you need to grab your pop corn and ridicule me. This isn’t a soap opera. This maybe funny for you but this is someone’s real life. I didn’t say I’m perfect or did things perfectly. I came looking for advice. Thank you for yours.
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace