Good Luck with the Pro guy. Take a look around the Forum... you might like it here.
Oh, and never fear giving advice... For most dilemmas; only the recipient can know if it's worth anything anyway. Besides, sometimes the wrong answer in a multiple choice question helps make the right one more obvious.
Here's an unsolicited freebie now: Never forget that those who work for a fee, work for a fee. :wink:
DestinysDad wrote:I've got a session with a marriage therapist this week. I trust all your advice, but understandably, i am not going to do anything rash at this time.
I will update you guys later in case you're curious to see what the "professional" opinion is on this matter.
Regardless of how this turns out, this forum has been very supportive, and it is much appreciated. It's amazing how strangers miles apart can have such an impact on others' lives (unknowingly). Consequently, I will definitely think twice before posting advice for others.
Think twice then again about the advice you give, you can never know its impact. Mind, if you use the good sense and reasoned approach you've demonstrated here I'm sure you will give good advice.
Hi there, I agree with Eva and Montana too. My first marriage was over after 5 years but it took another 7 for me to leave, so I've been through the wait it out routine. I was unhappy the entire time but I did what I needed to do and I have no regrets. I do not advocate you sit around and wait for her to decide if she wants to stay married to you. She doesn't. If you're stuck and need time to make plans then start making them. I hope it doesn't take you 7 years.
My second marriage is almost 16 years young and it seems like we're still discovering each other. There have been a few moments like all relationships but I wouldn't trade surviving those moments and being with this man for anything. The possibility of happiness is out there for you, I hope you find it.
I see the you have a session with a marriage therapist this week. Is it a joint session or are you going alone?
Hi gang, it turns out you guys were right about my wife being wined & dined on one of those business meetings. It turned out to be a 40+ year old with a child. My wife is a beautiful woman, and I guess it helps that my competition is an old bag.
Regardless, we have our first session next week to try and save things, otherwise we'll have to move apart. I had a single session today and it was AWESOME. I recommend therapy to anyone going through tough relationships. I could hardly eat or sleep and i went in and talked to him and voila, i can function again.
My wife and I stil l live together, but we're more like boyfriend / girlfriend. Hopefully we can surface the problems that lead her to stray and fix them. I love her more than anything in the world, and it's worth trying for.
The analogy he gave is that our marriage is like a car on a train track. He then asked how hard am I going to try and push it off? I then realized I'm destined to get hit by that train in saving the marriage, but there is the chance the car will budge.
Hey, 40+ isn't an old bag!!! I'll be turning 41 in 2 weeks.
Anyway, I wish you the very best.
i'm not going to think about this so don't take this as like omg earth shattering or anything, but don't stay with someone who NEEDS something outside of themselves to be happy with themself, unless it would seem, spirituality
Hi Dad:
When you are engaged, Everything in the air is about a Positive Future. It's Romantic, and exciting.
Then you get Married. Change Instant. (I don't know why, but it is.) Life becomes Real and not some fantasyland of what you "hope" it would be. This adjustment can be difficult for some. I think settling in is a phase all couples go through, but her actions or re-actions seem a little inappropriate here.
I think your girl needs to do a little self-exam. Was she really in Love or was she in love with the IDEA of being in Love. If she was really in love, it does not seem to me she would mind "dating" you again. Whom do we all wish to spend time with, is it not people whom we share common interest who help us meet our needs.
Exactly what needs is she having and what type insecurities does she have? You mentioned she came from a Divorced Home? Was Cheating invloved. Is she Egotistical or a little on the shallow side. Marriage is about committment. Is she the type person who finishes a task she starts?
It could be a phase, but I would be leary if this behavior lingers or increases in frequency.
Quote:
When you are engaged, Everything in the air is about a Positive Future. It's Romantic, and exciting.
We did a lot of preparation before hand to prevent just that thing. My father in law made us read Men are from Mars and 5 Love Languages and other books. We had premarital counseling. We lived together 2 years prior to get the "honeymoon period" out of our systems before marriage.
Yet, we're still running into this problem. I've learned all the preparation in the world cannot guarantee anything. And with divorce so prevalent in this country, a lot of people do it without really trying to fix things. I will have a good idea whether we're getting a divorce after tues' session. But to prevent getting hit by a train, im somewhat expecting it. My pyschologist's best advice (that changed my world and calmed my nerves) was I can only control 50% of this relationship. And I was trying to save it by doing 100% and driving myself to instanity. So, i will take what i can control and move forward and learn.
DestinysDad wrote:I've got a session with a marriage therapist this week. I trust all your advice, but understandably, i am not going to do anything rash at this time.
I will update you guys later in case you're curious to see what the "professional" opinion is on this matter.
Regardless of how this turns out, this forum has been very supportive, and it is much appreciated. It's amazing how strangers miles apart can have such an impact on others' lives (unknowingly). Consequently, I will definitely think twice before posting advice for others.
Good for you! Counseling is definitely a step in the right direction. Get yourself straightened out mentally and emotionally so that you can handle whatever comes next.
Good luck to you.
Our counseling session is this Tuesday, but I have done some research to get answers. As you can imagine, this scenario is not easy for the broken hearted, and information helps me cope.
I did some research on a very interesting website called Divorce Busters. My wife told me she needs to find herself and needs time and space, etc. She feels she is codependent which is unhealthy.
Of course, the crazy me thought there was something wrong with me (and there still may be). But, i learned on that site that healthy relationships must start where each person is dependent and able to fend for themselves before they can be in a happy codependent relationship such as marriage. So, I have been giving her some space lately, and if it's meant to be, she'll come back. Of course in finding one's self, I imagine the person would go through a significant change and change in feelings. This is scary to me, but I can cope knowing that I cannot control anyone and can only control my own actions.
On the bright side of things, maybe it's not so bad to do some soul searching of my own should things not work out.
You sound remarkably sane for one of Mr. Roark's guests. I have a sixth (sickth?) sense for these things. :wink: You are going to be just fine no matter how things turn out. Checking yourself first in the unmistakable mark reasonable intelligence. After (I mean if) you get a divorce, you'll suffer a spell but soon find you're happier than you were married. If you like being married, you will be again... and next time you'll be better equipped to choose an appropriate mate. It's all good. Keep your head up.
Dear DD:
I'm so glad she's going to gow/u to a session. I hate to see any marriage break up. So many people just "get out" w/o trying to fix problems. Often we forget what brought us together in the 1st place.
If only we could remember marriage is or s/b like a FUN JOB. But everydbody has to show up on a regular basis and do their fair share. Then it is the most rewarding experience in the world. GOOD LUCK. & PRAYERS.
We went to marriage counseling today together. We found that we have some needs for independence and the marriage was suffocating my wife. She needs to discover herself independently and has never really been by herself. Therefore, she had the unhealthy codependence when we got married, even though that need for made me feel great and needed.
Things will be changing and how we survive will depend on how we handle change. We both deserve to be happy, and hopefullly we can do it in the context of marriage. It will take sometime to regain trust and security with her for obvious reasons.
In fact, to break the boredom of marriage, we're planning an exotic trip. Hopefully, this will help our relationship, and I hope it's not her giving me one last try as these trips are expensive. I have mixed feelings after counseling since I didnt get the closure i hoped for, nor as much assurance for better days as i hoped. But, for me to want that stuff would make me needy i suppose. I just want to know that we're both putting in similar amounts into this relationship. I feel like i've worked my butt off so far, and am emotionally drained, let's see if it's reciprocated.
We have another meeting with the counselor in 3 weeks to follow up.
DestinysDad wrote:We went to marriage counseling today together. We found that we have some needs for independence and the marriage was suffocating my wife. She needs to discover herself independently and has never really been by herself. Therefore, she had the unhealthy codependence when we got married, even though that need for made me feel great and needed.
Things will be changing and how we survive will depend on how we handle change. We both deserve to be happy, and hopefullly we can do it in the context of marriage. It will take sometime to regain trust and security with her for obvious reasons.
In fact, to break the boredom of marriage, we're planning an exotic trip. Hopefully, this will help our relationship, and I hope it's not her giving me one last try as these trips are expensive. I have mixed feelings after counseling since I didnt get the closure i hoped for, nor as much assurance for better days as i hoped. But, for me to want that stuff would make me needy i suppose. I just want to know that we're both putting in similar amounts into this relationship. I feel like i've worked my butt off so far, and am emotionally drained, let's see if it's reciprocated.
We have another meeting with the counselor in 3 weeks to follow up.
Planning an exotic trip, eh? Would it be presumptuous of me to guess your destination?
Don't be mean, O'Bill.
I hope you enjoy your trip, DestinysDad. Everyone needs a break now and then. Sounds like a good time for one.
Just keeping it real Eva. DD's cool.
Bill, Eva, i might be cool, but I'm not too quick on the uptake. I don't think i picked up on that whole exchange. To answer the question, someplace warm would be nice like Central America or the Virgin Islands.
Do you not recognize that picture as a still from the old television series "Fantasy Island"?
Where do you live? And what kind of budget are you working with? Costa Rica is extraordinary and can be done on the cheap if need be.
It's good to get a change of scenery and I like lazing around on the beach as much as the next person, but you don't want to be running away from reality either. It will be especially hard if it straps you financially and you're not sure about your wife. Try not to go overboard.
For example, how'd you feel if she ditched you and you spent your expensive trip crying in your hula-girl drink?
I'm unsure what you meant about the 40 year-old with the kid? Was that a man who was getting overly flirtatious? What was the decision about that. What did the counselor say?
What did the counselor say about going on this trip?
Couldn't you go some place less costly or is this your normal lifestyle? Remember, you've got a wife who can't or won't stay fully based in reality & needs the constant excitement of new suitors. Isn't taking her on a trip catering to that yen of hers, which is, in fact, working against your marriage? I gotta say, I've got a bad feeling about rewarding a straying spouse with a fancy trip. Remember, don't try to compete with the winers & diners.
