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Is this normal for a marriage?

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DestinysDad
 
Reply Wed 5 Jan, 2005 12:38 pm
My wife came from a divorced home, and I attribute this to some of her emotional problems / needs. For the past 4 years ( been married almost 1 of those years), she has always spoken with optimism about our relationship and about us. She was very loving and this attention made me feel like a wonderful husband /person.

Now, over the past couple months, she's been going out with older men on business events and they pay for her meals and wine. She would never cheat, but this attention makes her feel good. In the past, she got lots of attention from guys in general, and I hoped she was out of that phase for good.

Now, she's not even sure if we should've gotten married and wishes we could just be "engaged" again, and this 180 degree direction has my head spinning. I'm confused, angry, bitter, etc.

Now that she's not optimistic about us anymore, all i'm left with is her negativity and difficult personality.

Do relationships change this suddenly?
Should her need of attention from other men bother me?
Are there any women out there without emotional problems?
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FreeDuck
 
  1  
Reply Wed 5 Jan, 2005 12:51 pm
I think the feeling of missing the feeling of meeting new people and dating is normal. What she does with that may or may not be normal.

Your screen name is DestinysDad, did you two just have a kid? I remember going through a phase of missing being seen as attractive by other men, and it was soon after our first child was born. Then again soon after the second. It passed.
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DestinysDad
 
  1  
Reply Wed 5 Jan, 2005 01:02 pm
Thanks for the reply. So the feeling of meeting new people and dating is normal? I understand the new people, but the opposite sex thing irks me and rattles my esteem to a degree.

No child yet. But good observation. Just made up that name. I can definitely understand how feeling attractive would be important after pregnancy.
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Mereical
 
  1  
Reply Wed 5 Jan, 2005 01:06 pm
You asked if there were any women out there without emotional problems. That questions is a double edged sword! We women are emotional creatures. Thinking psychologically, our past relationships can definitely influence our emotions today, both positively and negatively.

Relationships are constantly changing. The best way to picture this is to think of people walking on two paths. If the paths never cross or intersect, then it will be quite difficult to know where the other person is. A couple has to go through the changes in life together... maybe not at exactly the same time, or even the same way.

If your wife wants to feel or experience what happened when you two were dating, or engaged, take her out on dates again. Make it so the male attention she is getting is yours.

Hope this helps. Don't give up! Very Happy
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FreeDuck
 
  1  
Reply Wed 5 Jan, 2005 01:11 pm
I think it is normal that she likes the attention, but maybe she isn't reacting to it in a way that's, well, mature? It seems like she might not understand that it's a phase.

I agree with Mereical that it might help to take her out more, remind her why she married you, try to look at her like you can't wait to get your hands on her.
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Piffka
 
  1  
Reply Wed 5 Jan, 2005 01:46 pm
Re: Is this normal for a marriage?
DestinysDad wrote:
My wife came from a divorced home, and I attribute this to some of her emotional problems / needs. For the past 4 years ( been married almost 1 of those years), she has always spoken with optimism about our relationship and about us. She was very loving and this attention made me feel like a wonderful husband /person.

Now, over the past couple months, she's been going out with older men on business events and they pay for her meals and wine. She would never cheat, but this attention makes her feel good. In the past, she got lots of attention from guys in general, and I hoped she was out of that phase for good.

Now, she's not even sure if we should've gotten married and wishes we could just be "engaged" again, and this 180 degree direction has my head spinning. I'm confused, angry, bitter, etc.

Now that she's not optimistic about us anymore, all i'm left with is her negativity and difficult personality.

Do relationships change this suddenly?
Should her need of attention from other men bother me?
Are there any women out there without emotional problems?


Yes
Yes
Yes

Why is she going out with older men again? What kind of business events are these where she is being wined & dined on a regular basis? This sounds to me like a bad thing. Likely, and despite what she is saying, one of these "older guys" is trying to make moves on her which is the reason that your relationship feels like it is changing.

Good advice to try to turn things around by taking her out, but don't make it a competition of your dating her vs. her business dates. IMO, you need to talk to her about this and say that you need to start counseling, better sooner than later.

All relationships are a balancing act and are rarely 50/50 all the time, however, if you're feeling left out and as though she is negative... respect your feelings. A counselor will help you sort them out.

Good luck and welcome, btw, to a2k.
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DestinysDad
 
  1  
Reply Wed 5 Jan, 2005 02:24 pm
Sorry, I did not mean to take a cheap shot at women being emotional Smile

Thanks for the advice. Another wrinkle to add is that if I try to take her out on dates now, she does not want to because she wants us to be more independent and not do so many things together. She thinks I'm doing these things out of character. I think we hang out together too much maybe? This distant behavior makes it hard on me to reignite the flame as advised.
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BorisKitten
 
  1  
Reply Wed 5 Jan, 2005 02:49 pm
Re: Is this normal for a marriage?
DestinysDad wrote:

Now, she's not even sure if we should've gotten married and wishes we could just be "engaged" again...


Has she said why she wishes you could just be engaged again? Is there something other than the wining/dining she's missing?

I can certainly understand why you'd be angry & confused....I would be too! And I too would have a difficult time doing "the right thing," that is, taking her on exciting dates. In fact I almost advised you to do so, until I realized that I'd hardly be willing to wine & dine someone who seemed so distant (although I'm female).

The most important thing is: I can't help but think there's information you don't have, since it seems to me a few business dinners is hardly enough to make someone think they'd rather not be married any more.

What are your thoughts? Or what are her thoughts, after you've talked some more?

A last word: Keep your chin up! Just because you're having problems with your spouse doesn't mean you're a bad person. Try to remember that, OK? Smile
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DestinysDad
 
  1  
Reply Wed 5 Jan, 2005 04:34 pm
Quote:
What are your thoughts? Or what are her thoughts, after you've talked some more?


I think she feels trapped now by the whole idea of marriage now. She feels like she cannot hang out with male friends or go away with them on trips to places I do not like as much. Also, she feels like she cannot pursue her career fully which may require many hours and travel.

I can understand that to a degree, but do not see how it would take precedence over a marriage. I guess our views on it have changed over the last months.

Quote:
A last word: Keep your chin up! Just because you're having problems with your spouse doesn't mean you're a bad person. Try to remember that, OK?


Thanks for the kind words.
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stuh505
 
  1  
Reply Wed 5 Jan, 2005 05:31 pm
do relationships change this suddenly? yeah

should her need of attention of other men bother you? it would bother me

are there any women without emotional problems?

well, what's a problem? women aren't any more emotional than men but it's more difficult to understand their emotions, isn't it?

I know a lot of women who need that constant affirmation of meeting guys to feel good.

that she wants to be "engaged" again isn't really true, because engaged is when you want to be married. instead it is basically a blatant admission that she wants to have the feeling of meeting someone new and courting all over again, which is a difficult problem to deal with obviously...

your desire for her is going to increase because you're not getting the love you used to get, and this is not going to help that feeling of hers. but if you emotionally withhold yourself, it's only going to tempt her to have an affair. I think you'll need to find a balance.
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Montana
 
  1  
Reply Wed 5 Jan, 2005 05:48 pm
I hate to say this, but it sounds like she doesn't want to be married and I don't know what more I can say, except that my heart goes out to you.
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DestinysDad
 
  1  
Reply Wed 5 Jan, 2005 09:55 pm
Quote:
I hate to say this, but it sounds like she doesn't want to be married and I don't know what more I can say, except that my heart goes out to you.


Thank you. That is probably what i need to hear. We just got done talking and she said she needs time and space. This makes me very angry while i sit around like a moron. I have no control and she might go out with lots of guys and just decide to leave me in the end.

I'm just stuck with no place to go now and have refused to sleep in the same bed as her for the last couple nights. Maybe I'm not equipped to handle change or a relationship like this, but things just do not feel right.
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Montana
 
  1  
Reply Thu 6 Jan, 2005 04:13 am
It does sound very much like she is not mature enough to handle marriage and somehow I think it's something she will regret in the future. In the mean time, you don't deserve to be walked all over until she decides what she really wants. I can only imagine how insecure this makes you feel and that's quite a price to pay for her selfishness. If it was myself, I couldn't be with someone who held so little regard for me and I would make arrangements to leave.

Good luck to you.
0 Replies
 
Aurora Dark
 
  1  
Reply Thu 6 Jan, 2005 08:31 pm
I completely agree with Montana...

One of the most important things in a successful relationship (be it marriage or not) is for each person to need the other to the same extent, or understand those needs (should they differ) extensively. With you and her there is a rift, it seems that you don't understand each other fully. She leaves you with many questions, and obviously her careless actions show that she doesn't completely know (or care, which is sad thing I'd rather not assume yet) of the depth of your frustrations over the subject.

You both need to understand each other, and you both need to be happy. If your very independent/togetherness values are clashing with no clear resolutions in sight, and if she continues stubbornly insisting on driving herself away from you... well, I wouldn't be very optimistic about this situation either. She seems to not care that she's toying with your emotions, and I guess the thing is: a marriage is a marriage because two people merge their lives together. One cannot continue to push away from the other whenever they feel like it, without understanding and being careful of the emotional risks and shifts. It's only considerate, to have some consideration of each other's needs, no matter what happens.


hmm...

I do wish good luck to you as well. You seem to be gaining a firm understanding of this, so I trust that you'll make a good decision over it Smile
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OCCOM BILL
 
  1  
Reply Thu 6 Jan, 2005 08:55 pm
Shocked Dude. Sorry to hear you lost your wife. Stop pretending you don't know what's going on, and talk to a lawyer. Is this normal? Laughing That's a hoot. Not trying to be mean, guy, just keeping it real. Anyone of those things would have been just fine. All together could have still been okay, but not when your instinct tells you otherwise. Try not to waste a lot of time on petty jealousy... there's no profit in it. Get your legal ducks in a row and then confront her. It that shocks her back into your arms, and you decide you want give another chance... it's never too late for that. But everyday you sit around like a loser pretending you don't know what time it is, is a day you're never going to get back. Good luck to you dude. And welcome to A2K.
http://www.tsn.ca/images/stories/20030314/fantasy_island_32147.jpg
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DestinysDad
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 Jan, 2005 09:06 am
Thanks for the recent reality check posts.

We have talked some more and we can agree she's not mature enough for the aspects of marriage at this point, but wants me in her life. There are aspects she's not comfortable with aside from me and include things like obligations to visit in-laws (they're wierd on both sides), cultural differences, etc. She has asked for space and time while she sorts things out in her life, and does not want to do anything rash.

Back to fantasy ...

I really do not have anywhere else to go now, and am trapped at her mercy in a way. Would I be a total fool for waiting this out? It seems worth it if it works out, but I will feel further used if it doesn't.

This has been a roller coaster ride, and I can now fully appreciate those couples that last through time.
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Eva
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 Jan, 2005 11:02 am
I've had a bad marriage (5 years that seemed like 22) and a good marriage (22 years so far, but it seems like 5.) I can tell you this, DestinysDad...if it's a good relationship, it's not that difficult to make it last. If I were you, I'd cut my losses and look for a relationship that feels easier and more natural.
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Montana
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 Jan, 2005 11:10 am
I agree with Eva. It sounds like she's expecting you to wait around for her until she's finished leading her single life.
You say you're at her mercy with nowhere to go and it looks like she knows this all too well.
Can't you save some money to get your own place? I don't understand why you are so stuck.
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urs53
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 Jan, 2005 11:19 am
I, too, agree with Eva and Montana. My feeling is she wants to have you there as some kind of security that she can always go back to. In other words - she is using you. Space and time - yeah, I heard that before...

You have to lead your own life, don't waste a day. Good luck to you!
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DestinysDad
 
  1  
Reply Sat 8 Jan, 2005 09:29 pm
I've got a session with a marriage therapist this week. I trust all your advice, but understandably, i am not going to do anything rash at this time.

I will update you guys later in case you're curious to see what the "professional" opinion is on this matter.

Regardless of how this turns out, this forum has been very supportive, and it is much appreciated. It's amazing how strangers miles apart can have such an impact on others' lives (unknowingly). Consequently, I will definitely think twice before posting advice for others.
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