When the victim becomes the monster

Reply Mon 25 Sep, 2017 01:14 pm
This has started back many years ago, I had just gotten out of the Navy and gotten back together with my high school sweet heart. Things were going great reconnecting after losing her while I was over seas, we would talk on the phone or send letters. This was before everyone had a cell phone so we would do what we could to stay connected, we lived in different states now but wanted to make it work and would take turns driving to see each other as often as possible. A little while into the relationship she tells me that she needs to go out of state and pick up some things left behind at her former boy friends house, which included a pet. Not thinking anything of it I wished her well and told her I would talk to her when she got back. Few days went by a bit longer than I had originally expected but nothing crazy and I got a call. She was different more set back and distant from me, I couldn't figure out why but I kept asking her if everything was alright. Soon after she came out with it she had said that the feelings her and her ex boy friend had where rekindled and things happened while she was down there. I asked her simply is that what she want or does she want to continue to be together? She told me she did not know, at which time I told her goodbye leaving that part of my life behind me.
During the end I worked with what would later turn into my wife. She had just broken up with her boyfriend and was trying to give me her perspective on what my now ex girlfriend was doing. Before long we started dating and things where great putting that painful part of my life behind me and trying to move on with this new girl. Things were going well again went through the honeymoon stage and as things settled down like many couples we started having little disagreements. Nothing major that I would have ever thought was relationship ending by any means, but one day she came to me and said I think we should take a time out from each other for a couple of days. I was a little confused but if thats what she wanted than I wasn't going to argue the point. The next day I get a call and she wants to come over to talk, figuring that this was part of the piece of talking through whatever issue she had I agreed. When she got there she broke down in tears and told me she left me that day and went out that night with her co workers and wound up sleeping with one of them. she felt guilty and sorry and wanted to be together still she was just being selfish. It really hurt at the time but I agreed to not give up on us and work it out. We were working on us for a week or two and she started getting distant again, within a day or two she again comes to me sobbing and sorry she had slept with the same guy again. I was now devastated wondering what I did wrong. She again begged to let this work out and that she would completely write him off, which she did attempt but he got jaded and started sending inappropriate items to her work with her name on it embarrassing her, which became the new focus and the pain of the situation was put aside to handle that situation. That was it for awhile but the damage was done, I became accused of every girl I was friends with as being someone who I was or they were interested in doing more. Before long it was fight after fight of who I was with and what I was doing. Our neighbor who was very flirty and definitely to free with her sexuality was a constant argument as we struggled now through the relationship until finally we broke up due to the constant arguing and non communication.
9 months go by and we start talking again and things start to reignite feelings between us again to the point where we started seeing each other on a consistent basis, not straight out committing to being together but definitely not being apart. One day we have a discussion and she just wants to get away and be together, so I arrange a weekend to the shore and set the reservations pay for it all and we go. Her only request is that we bring along her little niece because she has never gone before. I thought ok this could be a good bonding time for the family as well so yeah we can do this. While there she seemed very hesitant to be affectionate which at first I thought was due her niece being around. As the days went on she spent time on her phone while I watched her niece by myself which I thought was a bit odd and rude but let that go as well. Over all we had a nice time and wasn't worth the argument. Days started to go by and more and more little things started to happen that just didn't fit right. Timelines just slightly out of place, movies she doesn't rent left on the table, a growing distance in how she acted. One day she tells me she isn't feeling well and is going to call it a early night that she would talk to me tomorrow. I told her to feel better and left her alone that night, and in the morning I text and called to check up on her to make sure she was alright. With no reply to multiple attempts I reached out to her mother and told her the situation. She also attempted to get in contact with her, now worried I drive over there only to find that she left the bathroom window open and the sounds coming out of it were earth shattering that will not leave my mind to this day. I banged on the door and confronted her with what I knew was going on, angry and hurt. Days go by and she begs and pleads with me to again make it work she is done with him she picks me. So again I try to make it work and through a lot of rough days we push through trying to put the nightmare behind me. As she actually found ways of turning all of this into not being her fault and focused on everything I did wrong and unfair stipulations I put on her because I wanted the guy she cheated on me with out of her life. Down the road we finally got married and had two children things were rough from time to time but that all seemed to be behind us. Then my youngest daughters 2 year birthday party we invited family and friends she invited some people from work, introduced me to them all and had a nice day not thinking anything of it. A few weeks later she got a new phone asked me to transfer pictures from the old to the new one and I find some very suggestive pictures of her in not much. I confronted her with them and she starts by saying that they were for me, she just never got to send them to me. I reluctantly believed her for lack of having any evidence to say otherwise, until a few days later she sits me down and tells me that she was actually sending them to the same guy I had shaken hands with at my daughters birthday party weeks prior. She swore up and down that nothing else happened but that she had to tell me because his wife found out and is crazy so before she told you things that weren't true she wanted to tell me first and I should not talk to the wife if she calls or texts. Stupid me I believed that although I knew something wasn't right about it.
More time goes by and we become distant with each other I start to let my attention move to a online video game and she spends more time out or being apart. Any intimacy between us had to be started by me and it became excuse after excuse on why she wasn't ok with it. Always being my fault on how she was made to feel, we tried couples therapy but she rejected the therapists suggestions, never wanting to go back to it again.
Till finally something broke in me or was breaking the whole time, and I found a female friend online that we started to connect as she was going through a very similar situation, in fact jokingly celebrated each of our 1 year anniversary for not being intimate with our partners. Which turned into a online fling for a few months before it was discovered by my wife who was pissed beyond belief. I had felt guilty not really wanting that but feeling like what I did have was lost. It hit me hard and I ended all contact with the girl online and focused on us and trying to put the pieces of the marriage back together. for the following year again it was rough she was so set back and continually throwing what I did in my face as to why she doesn't know if we can work through it. Until finally I gave up and we separated, which quickly brought to light that the same guy she had sent pictures to a few years back was now back in the picture and she was contemplating going to be with him but as I left she realized again that she wanted to be with me. For me the damage was done and so I left and we got divorced.
The next chapter in my life was shorter and during the separation and the end I met a girl who I liked and we started seeing each other for about a year before things started again to get a little weird she got distant and there were rumors of a guy she was hanging out with. She became more worried about what i was doing and who I was with. We had a big fight and it was over and she was out of my life for what I thought was good. she wanted nothing to do with me, and so we went our separate ways.
A few months later I started talking to someone I used to know from work, She was married looking to get divorced. I was going through the end of mine and we had a lot in common we connected on so many levels immediately. To the point I actually started believing in soul mates and everything was perfect and when I say perfect like that couple other people look at and go omg how can they be so perfect like that almost disgusting lol. We had one issue that arose with my ex girlfriend, they knew each other from work and when we first started talking I found out how much she disliked the place I kept that I had dated her. As things got really serious with my new girlfriend I didnt want that to be a bigger issue so I confessed I did date my ex. This put a small wedge between us as she is a no lies person even if I came clean or it was a small one. little did I know at the time what I had really become. Things were great time went on months felt like a fantasy, then out of the blue one day my ex gets ahold of me and needs to talk its important. reluctantly I agreed to hear what she had to say she actually tracks me down and has me pull into a rest stop off the highway where she proceeds to tell me that she is over 6 months pregnant and she just found out. My whole world just fell out from under me as I had written her off and accepted to never speak to her again and now I am forced into a choice of being in the babies life or not and on top of that she wants to make it a family and she was so sorry for all the things she did and said. I told my new girlfriend and yet another wedge was thrown into our paradise. Few weeks go on and her husband who was removed from the house the charges were dropped and he comes waltzing in again and wants to repair the marriage. My girlfriend now wants to not destroy the family and wants the kids to have a normal family if possible so she agrees to work on things with him while discussing with me that she would understand if I left but she wanted to be with me and doesn't think his new ways will last. I agree to wait for her as she sorted through her mess, until one day she comes to me in tears as he has been asking for sex from her since he got there and that night she felt she needed to comply with him in order to make him feel like she was trying as well. Devastating I did my best to understand the situation telling her you did what you had to do to make it work I still loved her and would be there if it doesn't work. His birthday rolled around and she took him out to celebrate, not liking the situation myself but respecting it they went out and did things we had planned before he came back which in itself was painful, but then after I had to go through a we had sex again and my ex girlfriend comes back into the scene with check out these pictures of them together at the event that I could see on Face book cause they were blocked from me.
I became a monster after that I wound up sleeping with my ex girlfriend while she was with her husband then felt guilty and lied to her about it and everything around it. I sought attention from any and every girl I could flirting and text inappropriately at the first sign of un easiness in the relationship. I devastated my girlfriend as the lies and flirting went on for years ending in getting her family and our friends to take my side of the story even with the twisted lies. I don't know why I became the very thing that crushed me over the years. Or why I did it to the one person I truly loved more than all of them combined. If someone can please help me understand myself I need help because I don't want to be this monster I have become. I just don't know how to stop it.
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Reply Mon 25 Sep, 2017 01:56 pm
Geez, your life reads like a soap opera.

You choose wrong women - then complicate the relationships with ex lovers or all the baggage from before. None of these women have been 100% yours.

You are not a monster. You're just mixed up.

How about being a bachelor for a while?

Reply Mon 25 Sep, 2017 02:05 pm
Bachelor is exactly what I am being for awhile.
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Reply Mon 25 Sep, 2017 04:39 pm
I stand corrected, I mean bachelor is what I am most likely going to be now but I Truly loved this girl and would wish nothing more than to repair what I broke. I understand both perspectives now and I can tell you from my end I lied out of shame and want to not hurt her. Although when it came out I hurt her beyond measure. I can also say from the other forums I read that when you see someone hurt from what you have said and you really love them IDK if its right but if you know there is more that hasn't come out yet you almost want to shield them from more pain. maybe its selfish on me to not give her all the truth and pain versus stopping and trying to stop her hurt.
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Reply Tue 26 Sep, 2017 11:33 am
Hi soonhealed

Firstly, refuse to think that you're foreverbroken and have a strong will!

I'm talking to you as a former cheater myself. I think you can click on my nick and read my other thread if you're interested in the story. No one ever cheated on me. They were flirting a little bit at most. But i cheated and lied.
Whereas you seem to be a very good, understanding, patient loving person. From the story it is clear that what those women did triggered what you are doing to your current/last girlfriend.
And even though i've been a far more unfaithful person than you are, and much more hopeless, I'm fighting. I'm fighting to become a good person and a faithful spouse. And I am cartain, that you are able to change! Have a strong will!

Have you told her the whole truth yet?
By whole truth i mean the worst things you've done to her, so you know you have come clean now.
I experienced that after the confession I could manage to stop having the affair. Cause before i told him I could keep that little world to myself. After I told him, I couldn't exist in my "world of escape" anymore and also didn't want to because of my guilt. If you can mange, I'd also come clean with your friends that you have lied to. Knowing they know the truth may humble you and also they can be accountability partners to you. I think it is a very honest and vulnurable way that might help your friendship grow closer. Cause everyone has problems and only by sharing them can we encourage one another.
And also give her more details than she needs willingly. Because she has a reason to distrust you know and she needs a lot of time to trust you again. If i ever get back with my second ex, I'd let him use my phone without password, i'd tell him wherevery i go without him asking. And I'd not meet any guy friends that are not defnitiely normal friends. And I won't meet them even if we were normal friends, but my bf doen't trust it.

In your second post you're writing: "when you see someone hurt from what you have said and you really love them IDK if its right but if you know there is more that hasn't come out yet you almost want to shield them from more pain. maybe its selfish on me to not give her all the truth and pain versus stopping and trying to stop her hurt."

I think if you decide to not continuing the relationship, it is an option to stop telling her about the past. Cause after all - the relationship is the past! Buf if you wanna continue the relationship with her and want a clean conscience I'd tell her everything: "I slept with my ex", "I flirted with the girls in the cafe" etc. But I wouldn't go into details without her asking because she will imagine all the things grapically and this worsens everything.
My ex asked about it, because he had to understand why and how in order to process. He was very brave and I answered everything. However, as i said "i didn't give too much details if he didn't ask" there were some stuff coming out again and again. Which hurt him more. So if i were you, I'd ask her if she wants to know more. That you've told her the main things. However, you don't want her to find out more bit by bit, so you're willing to tell her or if she needs to know it in order to process and trust you again.
Before the incident i was only 6 mth with my bf. After the 1 mth incident we spent another 5 years together. If we had been such soulmates as you and your gf i think we could have fixed it. We are now friends and he forgave me and even apologized for the things he said when he was angry at me.
So what I essentially wanted to say in the past 2 paragraph (sorry... a bit messy): "if you know there is more that hasn't come out yet" you should tell her! But if you feel you have told her everything necessary (which is not everything factually) you still have to ask her if she wants to know more, but point to the risk that it might get harder for her to heal and forgive if she knows too much details.

I don't know whether there is a "revenge"-thought? Of course the women that had cheated on you are not the same as the one you are cheating on. But it might be a revenge to "society" (=other women). I don't want to judge that you're doing so, just giving ideas. I find myself doing that sometimes...
Whether that's the case or not, I think it will surely help if you can forgive those few women that have cheated on you. So that what you had gone through won't trigger your cheating anymore.

Guilt: I do feel hopeless very often. How come i have cheated in two relationships already? I really wanna stop. I found, as I sometimes can't forgive myself, my ex might not forgive me, but I have to learn that at least God forgives me, if i ask for forgiveness. And that's the most important person who could forgive you. And if He does, than you can forgive yourself too - and have to give your best to change from now on. And that hope will also give you strengh to keep on trying, even if you fail another time.

You had several years of patience, before you "broke" and became the same way you never wanted to be. And it may take some time again to become your old patient, loving, understanding self.

If things are going well and you feel tempted, talk to your girlfriend all the more - I know it easier said than done... but yeah.. it's true. Just go to your room - do nothing until you're ready to apologise (yeah, most of the time there is something we can apologise for even though she had been wrong in her actions too (e.g. for being selfish, for only seeing my view, for screaming at you, for not opening my heart). Don't know whether that applies to your situation...

So! I'm confident that you can change!! Cause if you can't, then I'd be surely lost! You were a wonderful person and you can become that wonderful person again!

Reply Tue 26 Sep, 2017 02:41 pm
Thank you for your reply, I did see and read your post before I read your reply here. I Have told her all the main details that I know of and even like you had said unlocked my phone and gave her open access to it pretty much whenever she wanted. She is still very bitter and anything that she could read into as more she is now. I know thats because she is hurt and scorn from what she found out and I have been just trying my best to humbly listen. I only try to correct her on the parts that she is very wrong on. Like now she is convinced that every girl i ever contacted I cheated with which is not even close to the truth. She feels like I am a Sociopath and I am uncapable of love and with that I never loved her. Now to make matters worse I honestly forgot that about 2 years ago for a day or two one of the girls I used to know before my girlfriend was my girlfriend started contacting me again. Me and my girlfriend had again just gotten through a argument about easter and I wasnt sure where the relationship was at the moment. we started texting back and for some very explicit wants and desires but made no further attempt beyond that but she saw that. Now everything that I honestly was trying to rebuild just came crumbling down in front of me. Thats the part that really is tough, there are parts of flirty texts to someone I may have forgotten about 2 years later because they barely were important at the time. So much so I forgot she even existed on my phone when I gave it to her freely.
Reply Tue 26 Sep, 2017 02:51 pm
Now on your end, stay strong also because yes I believe anyone can change if they really want to. you sound like you are very determined to be who you want to be and that is exactly the driving force that will make that change happen for you. You aren't a bad person I don't believe 90% of the cheaters are bad people I think we have something socially wrong with us whether like me you have had a previous hurt, or a messed up child hood. Maybe even just a misguided coping mechanisms for dealing with anything from rejection, low self esteem, disappointment or any of many other things. I think we can be fixed if we want to and you seem to really want to. probably in a better spot to be who you want than I am right now. Thank you again for your words and ideas on my situation I have taken them to heart
Reply Tue 26 Sep, 2017 06:12 pm
Hi good man

"She is still very bitter and anything that she could read into as more she is now". - Understandable. But it sounds like you're doing what you can to help her trust you again. Continue so.

I don't think she really thinks you're a sociopath or uncapable of love, neither that you have never loved her.
But there are (at least) two kinds of trust. Trust in the person being honest and trust that the person is capable of whatever they seem to promise.

I assume you have apologized many times already, that you've also explained to her that "there are parts of flirty texts to someone you may have forgotten about 2 years later because they barely were important at the time" and also that she knows your history with the women that cheated on you.
It sounds like she is/has been trying. Which is an indication she trusts that you're a honest person, are sincerely sorry and do love her. I assume that the missing kind of trust is the capability part, where she distrusts whether you can really manage to be as faithful as you wish to be and love her as she wished to be loved. Prove her you can.

I think these might help you:

Yeah... It's always two steps forward one step back. Don't give up!

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Reply Tue 26 Sep, 2017 06:47 pm
Hi good man

Thank you for the thoughtful encouragement!

Hope to read from you sometime again. See how we progress!
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