Firstly, refuse to think that you're foreverbroken and have a strong will!
I'm talking to you as a former cheater myself. I think you can click on my nick and read my other thread if you're interested in the story. No one ever cheated on me. They were flirting a little bit at most. But i cheated and lied.
Whereas you seem to be a very good, understanding, patient loving person. From the story it is clear that what those women did triggered what you are doing to your current/last girlfriend.
And even though i've been a far more unfaithful person than you are, and much more hopeless, I'm fighting. I'm fighting to become a good person and a faithful spouse. And I am cartain, that you are able to change! Have a strong will!
Have you told her the whole truth yet?
By whole truth i mean the worst things you've done to her, so you know you have come clean now.
I experienced that after the confession I could manage to stop having the affair. Cause before i told him I could keep that little world to myself. After I told him, I couldn't exist in my "world of escape" anymore and also didn't want to because of my guilt. If you can mange, I'd also come clean with your friends that you have lied to. Knowing they know the truth may humble you and also they can be accountability partners to you. I think it is a very honest and vulnurable way that might help your friendship grow closer. Cause everyone has problems and only by sharing them can we encourage one another.
And also give her more details than she needs willingly. Because she has a reason to distrust you know and she needs a lot of time to trust you again. If i ever get back with my second ex, I'd let him use my phone without password, i'd tell him wherevery i go without him asking. And I'd not meet any guy friends that are not defnitiely normal friends. And I won't meet them even if we were normal friends, but my bf doen't trust it.
In your second post you're writing: "when you see someone hurt from what you have said and you really love them IDK if its right but if you know there is more that hasn't come out yet you almost want to shield them from more pain. maybe its selfish on me to not give her all the truth and pain versus stopping and trying to stop her hurt."
I think if you decide to not continuing the relationship, it is an option to stop telling her about the past. Cause after all - the relationship is the past! Buf if you wanna continue the relationship with her and want a clean conscience I'd tell her everything: "I slept with my ex", "I flirted with the girls in the cafe" etc. But I wouldn't go into details without her asking because she will imagine all the things grapically and this worsens everything.
My ex asked about it, because he had to understand why and how in order to process. He was very brave and I answered everything. However, as i said "i didn't give too much details if he didn't ask" there were some stuff coming out again and again. Which hurt him more. So if i were you, I'd ask her if she wants to know more. That you've told her the main things. However, you don't want her to find out more bit by bit, so you're willing to tell her or if she needs to know it in order to process and trust you again.
Before the incident i was only 6 mth with my bf. After the 1 mth incident we spent another 5 years together. If we had been such soulmates as you and your gf i think we could have fixed it. We are now friends and he forgave me and even apologized for the things he said when he was angry at me.
So what I essentially wanted to say in the past 2 paragraph (sorry... a bit messy): "if you know there is more that hasn't come out yet" you should tell her! But if you feel you have told her everything necessary (which is not everything factually) you still have to ask her if she wants to know more, but point to the risk that it might get harder for her to heal and forgive if she knows too much details.
I don't know whether there is a "revenge"-thought? Of course the women that had cheated on you are not the same as the one you are cheating on. But it might be a revenge to "society" (=other women). I don't want to judge that you're doing so, just giving ideas. I find myself doing that sometimes...
Whether that's the case or not, I think it will surely help if you can forgive those few women that have cheated on you. So that what you had gone through won't trigger your cheating anymore.
Guilt: I do feel hopeless very often. How come i have cheated in two relationships already? I really wanna stop. I found, as I sometimes can't forgive myself, my ex might not forgive me, but I have to learn that at least God forgives me, if i ask for forgiveness. And that's the most important person who could forgive you. And if He does, than you can forgive yourself too - and have to give your best to change from now on. And that hope will also give you strengh to keep on trying, even if you fail another time.
You had several years of patience, before you "broke" and became the same way you never wanted to be. And it may take some time again to become your old patient, loving, understanding self.
If things are going well and you feel tempted, talk to your girlfriend all the more - I know it easier said than done... but yeah.. it's true. Just go to your room - do nothing until you're ready to apologise (yeah, most of the time there is something we can apologise for even though she had been wrong in her actions too (e.g. for being selfish, for only seeing my view, for screaming at you, for not opening my heart). Don't know whether that applies to your situation...
So! I'm confident that you can change!! Cause if you can't, then I'd be surely lost! You were a wonderful person and you can become that wonderful person again!