Wits End Seriously Thinking of NSA Sex

I'm sorry that he's so averse. Yes I don't think you going to counseling alone achieves anything in terms of the marriage. The last thing I would recommend is a program like "Marriage Builders" (before anyone votes me down I have no affiliation with that program, I've been temporarily banned on this site for even recommending external programs before). A program like that is something you can work on together. He sounds like a tough nut to crack. Anxiety can be driven by inability to process emotions, which is evidenced by the fact he won't talk to a pro about it . I hope he can come to a place where he fully commits to the marriage.

He can be very stubborn, he doesn't like being told what to do so I found out a long time ago you need to guide rather than push him. Anyway he's going to be given a choice of either radically changing or I lay down with someone else. He can see that coming but he's not showing many signs of changing so it's not looking good. I really want him to but I'm not very optimistic.

There's a couple of guys on the site that I'm chatting to. One's 29 and the other is a bit older than me. They both sound really nice but I want to chat to them for a bit until I feel comfortable enough to want to meet them but we've swapped photos and they both look quite nice.

I showed the pics to my hubby to get his opinion, he looked dazed for a moment but then he tried to look all casual like he's not bothered but I know he is. If it happens I know it'll hurt him but I'm not going to become a nun to avoid hurting his feelings.

I'm sorry that his inaction has put you in such a spot. He seems to have real problems taking action to create desired outcomes in some areas of his life. I want you to know this comes from a judgement free place on my part, but this is unlikely to move the needle. If he was already shutting down because of anxiety and insecurity issues (my analysis, I know - the smoking and drinking just seem like a self medication thing to me) then making him feel even less adequate won't turn the tide. You'll likely see him turn even more into himself. Again, I hope you hear that I understand that you are in a really tough spot. You can't be expected to soothe any anxiety or insecurity issues for him in perpetuity, this is why he needs to agree to counseling or a self directed marriage program. But the current course will almost certainly cause him to dig in further. I just feel like that's the most likely outcome.

You are obviously a smart and self-aware woman so I'm sure you have approached this from many angles you haven't even described here. I really hope he can break his historical patterns and realize that a self transformation can have great impact out of his life inside they bedroom and out.

Hi Frank, yes I do love my husband very dearly and you're right he does have self esteem issues and I try constantly to help him overcome them with lots of praise and declarations of love, I'm very affectionate towards him and he knows I really care about him. I think he suffered from bullying as a kid both from his dad, peers and teachers and that's had an effect. To his credit though he's very jovial, got a really funny sense of humour and a lovely personality.

Just about the only thing we lack is the physical, sensual side of the marriage. I keep doubting whether he loves me in the same way as I love him, but deep down I know he really does.

I have thought through my situation, lost plenty of sleep over it, whilst he snores, and I've decided that he's quite happy with things as they are and sees no reason for change. I on the other hand cannot go on like this for much longer; I have to do something, and soon.

I can see 3 likely outcomes in our future together -

1. I get a boyfriend who'll hopefully satisfy my desires and needs, but who'll also take me on romantic days and nights out. I've been reading quite a few accounts of women who say this situation works really well and in some cases the boyfriend becomes a good friend of the family. But maybe we will get too close and entwined - I hope not.
2. I submit to hubby's wishes or I can't find a suitable boyfriend and we decide to stay as we are. Believe me, there's literally hundreds of grotty, pervy old gits hitting on me on the site so I'm beginning to wonder!
3. Divorce.

I view these in that order. I really, really don't want a divorce but the longer this drags on the more it's affecting us and our relationship. I find myself snapping at slightest incident and nagging him - I've never been a nag.

Anyway, there is one guy that I've been talking to. We've exchanged emails and texts and last night he called me and we've arranged to meet up for a coffee in the town centre tomorrow afternoon.

I've told hubby and promised him we won't be jumping into bed, it's just a get to know and see if we click. We had a really long chat and he seemed remarkably OK with it. He asked to see the guy's profile and just said he looks nice. I don't know if he's genuinely cool with this, really understanding or just hiding behind a mask.

Meanwhile I've got butterflies in my tummy, really nervous. It's like being a teen on a date again lol.

I appreciate your interest and the points you've made, and I'll let you know how I get on.

Wish me luck x

Luck!

This afternoon I learnt that I have a fantastic husband, and that all other men are arseholes.

This morning I had a pamper session and after lunch I got all dolled up with a 'tiny skirt' lol makeup of course. Hubby gave me big hug and said I looked gorgeous which I thought was really sweet. He offered to give me a lift into town which I accepted. Before I got out of the car he gave me another tight squeeze and a really passionate snog, he's not done that in absolutely ages. He pulled out of his pocket and put in my hand a small box of condoms and told me not to do anything stupid. I refused, I told him I wasn't going to have sex, we were just going for a coffee and a chat, that's it.

When I saw Greg for the first time my jaw dropped! Firstly it was clear he wasn't 5' 10" as he put on his profile but 5' 4". I don't have a problem with 5' 4", I wouldn't care if he were a dwarf or a pygmy but just be honest about it. Another thing is that the photo he sent me must've been 10 years out of date. I think he must have been at least 38 rather than 28 like he had on his profile. If you can't be honest about your height, what else are you hiding? We had a blazing row in the middle of Costa. I am sure that the diners thought it was very amusing!

The whole thing left me seething, when I think what I have put myself and my husband through for this, makes my blood boil. Hubby was very understanding and loving when I got back and told him, probably relieved to.

Where does this leave me? I really don't know. I know a few friends that have met on a dating site with mixed results, but nothing like this! Was I just unlucky? Do I keep trying?

Absolutely incredible kudos for husband, although it is so painful to think about a husband dropping a wife off to meet another man.

A lot of people lie about their appearances. A FaceTime call might clear this up; at least you'd save time dolling up and going out with the unattractives.

Scorecard: a win for hub. He should break out good kisses more often.

I think you put it best. Mixed results. Think of it just like any other dating situation. It may take a handful of dates to find the right match.

Thanks Frank. After that last experience I've tried to put finding a 'buddy' to the back of my mind. Last night hubby tried to make it up to me, getting the toys out and having a play with me. I tried to reciprocate but, no.

He asked me this morning if I planned to go back on that site. I just said I didn't know. Yesterday I was of the firm opinion to completely knock it on the head. But last night's flopped attempt left me so tensed up I had to go downstairs and finish off myself before I could relax enough to get any sleep.

I don't really know what to do. Somebody messaged me saying she thinks I should try again, she said that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince. I was actually pretty sure that Greg would be a prince. We emailed, chatted and spoke quite a lot over the phone and he sounded like a really sweet guy. I was expecting it to go really well and by now be arranging our first intimate session.

He's an absolute gem stone, he's been so supportive and understanding, I really don't deserve him and I hate what the situation is doing to both of us. Clearly he loves me, he just wants what's best for me which is really sweet. I only wish with all my heart that he could step up to the mark but I don't think it's going to happen.

On the frog/prince thing your message buddy is right. As I said it's no different than regular dating sites. You will get people who misrepresent
themselves , and ones that are genuine but the chemistry doesn't translate from the typed page to real life. Unfortunately this is just a fact of modern dating. So it just takes some patience and some time to adapt.

On the hubby front I think you're starting to comprehend how an arrangement of this sort forces you to bifurcate your emotional needs. Like it or not sex is just as much as emotional need as a physical one for most people. And it sounds like you're desiring the romantic part as well, which is emotional.

I've seen some people pull it off, which means it's doable. But you basically have to switch to an arrangement where your husband is your best friend and the romance comes from another.

Do you have kids? As much as I understand the desire to avoid divorce, it sounds like if you went that route it would be a rather amicable split. I just think the pain of divorce could be much shorter lived than what might arise as collateral damage of an open marriage. It's a red flag that you have already become at best apathetic to sex with your husband and it sounds like a little repulsion may have crept in as well. This is a hard line to jump back over, and it will take a number of months of personal work on his part to get where you want to be. I think it's totally worth it if you both commit, but the alternatives are to commit to an open marriage (doesn't sound like either of you are there yet), or seriously consider at least a structured separation.

I don't usually drag threads out this long but as I said I've been in a similar situation so I feel compelled to sort of provide input from my position which is about 2 years into the future of what you're experiencing.

Thanks Frank, I do appreciate your advice which is really nice especially if like you say, you've recently been in a very similar situation.

I think you're right about the internet dating, actually the one I find best is an app on my phone, but same thing really. You get pictures of men you scroll across and you have to say whether you like or dislike. None of those that I say like I ever hear from, which makes me suspect they don't exist. Anyway I like your analogy, I suppose it's like hanging about in a bar. But imagine if you're in a bar and dozens of guys double your age came up to you with a chat up line of, 'what's your favourite position?' Most of the men on there I wouldn't even walk to the end of our street to meet!

Anyway, talking of bars, I'm out with a bff on Friday, it's one of her colleague's leaving do. Who knows, maybe I'll get a better chat up line than what's your favourite position lol.

BTW I got a really grovelling apology from Greg yesterday, I've not replied, I don't know I've calmed down a bit now, so I'll keep him on the back burner, he he.

You were right in some of the things you said but not everything. There's no repulsion at all, I actually adore my husband, he's a really lovely guy and so incredibly understanding, he worships me and just wants what's best for me, so I feel really guilty about what I'm putting him through, especially given all the problems he's had with his health over the last few of years.

That's why I don't want to divorce him, I couldn't do it to him, I think it would break both of our hearts so I think your suggestion where hubby is best friend and romance is from a bf might well work for us. Just need to find the bf! It can't be that hard can it?

No, we don't have children. That's another minefield altogether lol.