Wits End Seriously Thinking of NSA Sex

Thanks. I've been doing a little bit more research and there's quite few claims that some or most of the contacts on these so called adult dating sites are fake, I don't know how true that is. I was hoping for a bit more feedback from others who've used these sites but not a peep ): so I'm pretty much in the dark as when I started.

Girls don't have to pay so I suppose there's nothing to lose. So yes, tonight I'm going to sign up and put a profile together and wait for dozens of not-rights, losers and numpties to proposition me lol but hopefully in there there'll be a Raphael Nadal lookalike to rescue me!! I wish.

Good luck!

Well earlier I chose a site which has a really good write up, I've put in all my details and a little bit about me and my situation and put on a photo of just my legs, I didn't want to show my 'bits' because I think that would look really slutty. For now I've pressed save rather than confirm. I'm still not 100% sure about this, though if I pressed confirm I could just see what sorts of responses I got and maybe decide to take it no further..

Anyway, I didn't want to do anything behind my husband's back so I put the iPad down and had a chat with him. I tried to be really delicate. I explained once again that we can't go on like this any longer and that I needed some really good loving. At my age I can't become a virtual widow and that the situation was driving me crazy. He of course protested, playing the 'disabled card' bleating on that he suffered bad health. We both know that that is because he doesn't value or look after himself and treats his body like a demolition site!

I showed him what I proposed was a good solution. I showed him the site and my profile. I tried to reassure him. I said that I just need someone to take care of my needs but that I didn't want to leave him . This obviously came as a massive shock, judging by his response the expression on his face, he was pretty close to tears. All of a sudden I felt really awful.. He kept asking me 101 different questions like where am I going to actually do it? What happens if the man really falls for me? I couldn't really answer any of those questions, I suppose I haven't really thought it through.

Anyway we had a really long chat and he's promised me that if I hold off for two weeks he'll show me that he can park in the fags and beer and eat a lot healthier. I think we both know that that's not gonna happen, he's been smoking since he was 12 and he's tried patches, gum and e-cigs but to no effect. But we'll see?

I'm not optimistic but anyway I've put my plans on the back burner for two weeks, let's see if there is a transformation? If not, he's agreed that I can go on the site and see what happens next. I honestly hope that he does and that he can turn his life around in which case it would be fantastic to have my old husband back!

This sounds so promising. You actually having the profile ready to go--& showing him--may have been the jolt he needed to take his health seriously.

I'll be peeking in, and wishing you luck.

Well, so far, so good. It's early days but a great start. Hubby ditched the fry up this morning in favour of cereal - wow, never thought I'd see the day! Also no cigs!!!

Caught him in the shed this afternoon, having a secret ciggy and a can .... not good.

Ugh.

It's barely a week, and he's given up. Where do I go from here? I love him, but I honestly don't know if he loves me? There is zero intimacy, it's a bit like we are brother and sister or maybe just flatmates. In every other way we are brilliant together, we chat, we go for long hikes and walks together, we go on weekends away and holidays, nights out, meals but just no sexual contact whatsoever. It's driving me mad!

Cigarettes are exceptionally addictive. Most people who want to quit have relapses. It often takes several tries for a person to quit for good.

Decide what you want to do - be patient as you can and help him with what is surely a difficult struggle (plus you're asking him to diet at the same time, a setup for failure if I ever saw one, as dieting is also a monumental struggle), or be carried away by your horniness.

Your choice.

I guess you'll have to decide at some point.

1. Stay in a faithful, sexless marriage and resolve to nursemaid your husband through his worsening years. (That sounded really one-sided, but I was thinking about what the next years of his life would be like. He will lose health further and you'll be spending time in hospitals and drs offices.)

2. Ask for an open marriage. (Fraught with peril.)

3. Cheat. (Not advised!)

4. Leave him. (Miss him.)

I don't envy your position. Wishing you well.

--------------------------

Oh heck lash, you've given me some stark choices there haven't you? Looking at each one, I really don't fancy any of them. How have I got myself into this situation? Yes he's a bit older than me but not obscenely so. However it seems that he's a faster over the last few years. He is talking about going part time and maybe taking early retirement. He only Half what I do which isn't a problem, but if he retires to find myself from doing both of us which'll be an added burden. I'm still in my 30s, I didn't sign up for that!!

Looking at your list, I suppose number 2 is the least worst But you're right, it's very risky so I'm very nervous about going any further with that. But if I don't do something drastic soon I'm going to get dragged into the same existence as my hubby has.

Can I ask you, and anyone else who wants to contribute, if you were in my situation, what would you do? Any advice or opinion would be very welcome and help me decide.

Hi Clare. I don't normally respond to this type of thing but your story reminds me of my own situation.
I am 46 and my partner is 45. We are not married but we have a daughter and we have been together for over 18 years.
My partner "D" suffers from Lupus (SLE) and Rheumatoid arthritis and she has done for quiet some years. At first the relationship was good but as time has gone on the intimacy has faded and it has now been over 5 years since we last had any form of sex and even before that the sex was extremely limited, In fact we have only had sex about 5 times in ten years. The lack of intimacy has been brought on through D's disability and medication which we can do nothing about. Frustrated is a mild understatement, The frustration is only mildly satisfied by masturbation. I miss the intimacy, the touching and even the kissing and I crave the passion but unfortunately it has now got to he stage that I feel we will never be intimate again. To lie next to someone naked with no touching can be like torture.
The sad thing is we love each other. In some ways it would be a great deal easier if we didn't.
Just over five years ago the frustration and the physical loneliness became unbearable and I had a brief affair. The sex was fantastic and I hate saying it the thrill of the affair itself was unbelievable and a great aphrodisiac.
This is where it became serious. The affair was with a friend of the family who was genuinely suffering in a similar relationship.
It was supposed to be strictly a physical arrangement only !! but emotions run high when you are so close with somebody else sharing intimate moments and lets face it enjoying life again.

What I didn't expect was for the (Other woman) to declare her love for me after a few weeks.
It became a extremely intense situation very, very quickly. So much so I confessed everything to D and I tried to explain why it had come to this.
Yes we are still together after a lot of hard work.

The point I am trying to make is that you may be ready for a physical affair and I fully understand why but would the additional person be the same. Can they handle it, If not you could risk losing everything and hurting your other half.

I am not saying don't do it !!! In fact I would quite happily have a similar arrangement again but you have to make sure that the person you have encounters with is of similar mind.
I feel your pain and frustration and I hope you find your answer.

P.S If you turn out to be close to me in Oxford give me a call LOL ...

Hi Towser,

I read your reply with frustration, we're both in the same boat here!!

I know exactly what you mean. For goodness sake I'm only 36. If I were 66 then maybe, but I've got years ahead of me so I don't want to spend the rest of my life in drudgery. I want to be romanced, seduced, have fun, enjoy my life, not just get through it. I feel trapped, like a caged bird. He doesn't want to fly around, but he doesn't want me to fly either, just stick around trapped in this cage he calls life! I want someone who thinks I'm gorgeous and who can't keep his hands off of me, I want to feel really loved and special. In truth, I don't even get a taste of any of that.

The problem is is that the negatives are starting to cloud over the many positives and there are plenty. We have a lovely house and he is a lovely guy with a fantastic, witty and funny personality. We get on really really well, better than I've ever got on with anyone I've ever known before. We have lovely friends, and go on lots of holidays, excursions and days out. OK I suppose I want some cake and to eat it!!!

I really don't want to walk away from that which is why I've been toying with the idea of a "buddy" from a website I've been looking at. I don't really want to have an affair. My movements are pretty predictable so the change to accommodate an affair would be obvious and anyway I'm rubbish at lying. I'm not necessarily looking for a Gary Barlow Iookalike, just a regular nice guy who understands my situation would be fine.

So I'm thinking I just need to convince the hubby to open up the marriage, in order to save it. I don't want to leave him, I just want to fill that little gap in our marriage. But I don't know if he'll be able to see it like that? I hope he will. If he didn't want me to take this route he would have stuck with his healthy lifestyle a bit more than 3 days. Last night he sorted his own dinner, fish and chips and four cans of beer. If I cook meat and veg, he leaves the veg, and if I make a salad he calls it bunny food! He has absolutely no interest in improving his body or satisfying my needs, and he doesn't care if I do have it with some other guy.

So I'm seriously thinking of 'what the hell' and just hitting the confirm button on the site and seeing what responses I get. I'll tell hubby but I'm not asking his permission.

BTW Towser, yes I'd love to meet up but I doubt it would work because I live 200 miles away - dam lol!!!

The good thing is you'll check with the hubby to see if he's cool with it. I met a married woman off Craigslist in the same situation where hubby couldn't do anything but allowed her to screw whoever she wanted. Just be warned that older women are "in" now so you'll be getting tons of attention from younger men. Especially if you're MILFy type! I think you wanted to be with women too and explore.

Questions is, though, what would you do if your hubby wants you to stop being with other men because he thinks he's losing your marriage? You also mentioned the possibility of a fling ending up being something more. Would you the have an intimate affair behind your hubby's back? or immediately reject it because of your hubby? I don't mean for these questions to turn you off from it, but these things do happen especially if you happen to make a man out of some young fling, or restore some guy's sex life.

Right. Firstly I'm not a milf, I'm 36 and I look a lot younger than that. Secondly, my husband is far from cool about my proposed solution. In fact I'm not sure about it either, probably because I'm not entirely sure what I want myself.

Question. Given a magic wand, what would be our first wish? Mine would be to have my husband back as he was 8 years ago. The sex was good, not amazing but good. I was really happy, I felt really really loved and was so content. But now look at me. We don't even really kiss, not a deep snog, in case that turns into something more passionate. I still love the man with all my heart, but I really do crave something more intimate and intense with him but that is not available. He can't / won't.

So that's what's got me thinking that maybe I need to look elsewhere. Definitely don't want to cheat, always been against that. Nor do I want just casual NSA sex, I think if I was to just jump into bed with some random guy, f*<k, get dressed and go home , I would feel so used and cheap. I really couldn't do that to myself. No, what I really want is a boyfriend. I think that's I really could love two men at the same time.

Last night, I sat in front of the TV, watched X factor, went to bed at 10.00, fell asleep. That is such a waste of a Saturday night. So I broke the news to hubby this afternoon that I've made my profile live on the NSA site. The poor guy looked really upset and stressed, my heart went out to him but I have to be firm.

He keeps asking me these questions, what happens if....? And I keep thinking, what happens if I meet a guy that knows how to treat me and makes me feel really special and loved up?

Hey Honey,
There are two things that we have in common here. Firstly my wish would also be to take things back to another time and secondly I also watched the X factor Lol. Unfortunately it was not followed by the XXX factor. :-). I have to make fun about these things otherwise I start to let the situation get me down.
The reality is that despite what I would love to happen things can never and will never go back to what it was years ago. Mine has become very much a loving relationship but strictly platonic with no physical affection at all. Even a kiss goodnight is a struggle.
I have not really thought about a second relationship in the same way as you but I think you could be right. The whole reason for wanting a physical relationship is about satisfying the need to feel wanted mentally and physically, sharing intimate moments. The simple reason I don't and wouldn't use a prostitute is that I want to have sex with someone who to wants to have sex with me.

Going back through the thread I see a lot of honest talk but I don't see any mention of counseling. Have you two been to marriage counseling? Honestly this feels like a situation where you need to repair the underlying causes of this disconnection. The lack of sex is highly likely to be a symptom. He sounds like an anxious person and someone who's struggling to feel good about himself. While you can help in that area it's his responsibility to build his own self esteem. So I think a much healthier approach is at the very least individual counseling for him and couples counseling for the both of you. Take it from someone who knows, an open relationship or an affair will almost certainly cause more longing and lacking in the long term, despite how good it feels in the beginning. The better route is to use that future energy that will be consumed by confusion and pain and put it into repairing your marriage now. I guarantee you there is more at play than just his lack of attention to his health and a lacking sex life. If you put your efforts into fixing the root causes and there's still no progress, then divorce is the better option.

Sorry if that sounds like a lecture. Like I said I speak from experience so I'm just trying to point out pitfalls that I don't want to see you experience.

Hi Towser, liked your quip about xxx factor lol.

You might live 200 miles away but our situations are remarkably similar, almost identical. I've said before I should introduce your gf to my hubby, I'm sure given time they'd have a deeply humdrum and monotonous affair together lol.

I can so relate to what you say about more than just sex. Really good sex would be lovely, there is no feeling like having a naked man between your legs and feeling him inside you, the sensations are truly amazing. But I'm sure that once the sensations subside , if there's no deep feeling I'd feel used and disgusted with myself.

I suppose really what I really want is a lover. A bit like a Frenchman would call a mistress but a reversal of the sexes, my contribution to the feminine cause lol!

I've had dozens of responses to my profile on the site. Trouble is there isn't one I'd even open the front door to, let alone jump into bed with! I'm being up front with hubby so when I said he looked really relieved. I don't know how he'll take it if a there's a guy comes along who I do want to meet, but we'll have to jump that hurdle when we come to it.

Thank you for your advise Frank. I really appreciate your concern which is really sweet, thank you. I have suggested to hubby that we go to counselling but he won't hear of it. He doesn't want to discuss intimate and personal details and issues with a complete stranger. That's it, he won't hear of it. I even suggested that there are counsellors who will do sessions via Skype but still he won't even contemplate the idea. Someone suggested that I should go on my own, but these aren't free, so I don't think there is much point in paying out for one-sided advice. The problem is with him, I know it sounds harsh but he needs to pull himself together or he'll have to accept drastic changes he's not going to like.

Neither of us want divorce, I am still committed to him and still love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, just not as housemates.