Is it me or her?

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I cant believe Im doing this but Im bored at work and I need a fresh point of view.

-My ex.Very funny,muscley, makes me laugh, twinkly blue eyes etc I still get on with him really well.
-Split up with him 5 years ago as he wanted to settle down and I didnt.All amicable.
-He goes out with another woman.Im surprisingly fine with it tho miss having someone close to chat to.
-Me and his new lady get on fine for 3 years.
Then at a pals wedding he dances with me(yes he is drunk but Im a bridesmaid, he is an usher) his girlfriend didnt like this and blanked me at one point, later she apologized.
Later in the evening he pulls me aside and says that I have made him realise what love is, he knows what marriage should be,blah de blah etc it went on for about half an hour,other people heard.
-Months later I find out that they had an almighty argument that night.

About a month later he sits me down and says SHE has banned me from speaking to him and him speaking to me,if I enter a room he has to leave it etc.
I went along with it coz I was a wimp and I thought it would be easier for him.

Over the last 2 years he has said to me that he still wants me tho I have done nothing to encourage him.He has cheated(kissed as far as I know, one night a couple of years back)on her with other girls.
12 months ago he said 'if I dump x will you go back out with me?'. Last March I was at a pals housewarming doo and I stood next to him for about 5 seconds and this was enough for his lady to walk out in a complete huff, leaving me, him and witnesses(thank god, other people now know im not making it up)to talk about the situation resulting in him being asked ' who do you want to marry?' he motioned towards me.

I dont like her much as its the most horrid situation Ive ever been in.I want to be his friend, she see's it as more of I want him back as my boyfriend.I hadnt spoken to her in 2 years when after yet another pals wedding she pulled me aside and we had words.
She apologized adn wanted to 'hand me an olive branch', which to me was too little too late. I dont want to be her friend and I let her know what I thought of her.She went from wanting to make up with me to calling me names to calling me a great person then going back to blanking me ever since.
Everything she said was totally contradictory.Apparently at no point did she ban me and my ex from talking to each other yet his actions say different.She thinks we are in a mood with each other because of the argument they had 2 years previously,an argument I didnt know about and therefore wouldnt have effected me.
At one point I asked her to get her man/my ex in on the conversation so we could clear up what has been said exactly.She went to look for him and came back saying he had gone home,he was still in the building sleeping on a seat(wedding,everyone was drunk.I was sober, it was so funny)

My ex apparently doesnt like hurting anyone despite him acting quite nastily so we could break up.

I think all he wants to do is get married and he doesnt really care who he marries.
I find it a bit of a coinidence that the woman of his dreams happens to be the next girl that comes along.
He seems quite tortured in the situation at times and I dont want to see a friend marry someone that treats him like a child.

I can promise you I am not a jealous ex as I dont want to get back with him.
Am I being unreasonable because I still want to be friends with him or is she a bitch as I cant interact with him and therefore anybody else in a conversation that he is involved in?We get on fine when she isnt around.

Im so fed up of thinking about this.Any views please.

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It's him. What is he doing with her if he says repeatedly it's you he loves and wants to marry? She should dump his ass for her own sake. He doesn't deserve her. She is right to be upset with BOTH of you. If he cannot control his infatuation with you then it is unfair for you two to be around each other - even as "friends". I totally understand her point of view. Neither of you seem to care about her feelings here.

You say you are not interested in him romantically. That's fine if all you two are being is friends. He is not acting or talking that way about you, so what is his girlfriend expected to say and do about it? Naturally she wants you away from him because she (apparently) loves him and has been with him for 5 years now right?

I think you and he need to cool it. If you are truly not interested in getting back with him then let him go. You being around, even just as a friend, is preventing from having a real loving relationship of his own because he is hoping against hope that one day you will discover how much you love and want him the way he wants you and all will be happy. If it is not meant to be with this current girl of his, he still needs to move on .... without you.

Unfortunately some people cannot be just friends.

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Blimey!!Excellent meaty point of view-Ok here it goes....

Why should I care about her feelings?
Id like to point out she is an absolute 2 faced bitch and deserves no sympathy as she has bought all this on herself.She basically pushed us together by laying down stupid rules.
We were nice to each other for 3 years and I for one wasnt pretending,she can be really nice at times.

I dont see him for weeks on end and when we do we cant talk/interact.Exactly how am I preventing them from having a relationship??

Do you think she is acting maturely to ban us from speaking?
He has other ex's around which he IS allowed to talk to, she has no problem with them.

He says he wants to marry me but stays with her.To me actions speak louder than words so he is obviously lying to me and at the same time messing with my head which isnt nice.

If there relationship is so solid why is she worrying and why is he behaving like he does?

I really think he is gona be unhappy with her and if they have kids it may get nasty.

I have no doubt they love each other, get married and have an ok marriage I just dont see his behaviour as that of a happily expectant groom.

I have let him go, there have been a couple of other guys in my life since him.
Im certainly not gona miss out on social activities just so she doesnt get upset.Im already excluded from some things if she is gona be there.How do you think it makes me feel being left out?!

We were all down our local the other night and he started to pull screwed on glessed picture off the wall, something he knew would get her angry at him, resulting in an argument, yet he still did it.Broke the glass in a picture.

Your right tho,it is him.
I wish he could make up his mind.Either stay with her and quit it with the comments or split up and deal with being single til he meets someone new.

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You say in another thread that he slept with you in the first place to make a girlfriend jealous -- was it this girlfriend?

Meanwhile, I totally agree with Heeven.

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No not this girlfriend.
Hmm, I reckon he started to go out with me to make an ex jealous enough to go back out with him.I know this by him calling me by her name and the first time he said he loved me there was me him and his ex sat round a table,he said it to me whilst flicking his eyes towards her.
I think when he realised it wasnt gona work he settled for me and we had a 3 year relationship which was great for both of us.

Are you saying I have to stop socialising with my friends?

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Does he watch, like, a lot of "Friends"? That's so Ross and Rachel... ;-)

I'm certainly not saying you have to stop doing anything. I agree that the biggest villain here is your stupid ex, with your ex's girlfriend certainly not helping anything.

I'm trying to figure out what you're really going for. It certainly sounds like they have a messed up relationship, yeah. Do you feel like you need to call a halt to it somehow, since the guy's your friend and all?

That might even be a good thing to do, but you're entirely the wrong person to do it.

Isn't there anyway to stop being friends with HIM while continuing to see other friends?

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If Im blamed for this doesnt that mean I should have treat his previous ex(a friend of all involved) the way his fiance treats me?
Shouldnt I have been jealous of his infatuation with his previous ex and banned them from speaking to each other?

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Dont know if he watches FRIENDS.I do but I cant see the connection.I would go into the Ross/Rachel thing as I have views on that too but itll sidetrack us.

I felt much stronger about it before me and bitchface (as I like to call her)had words a few weeks back.I just found this fab forum and thought Id find different views.You guys are so outspoken and you can swear, its fab!!

If they split up I think it would be best.
If they get married I reckon she will be eternally jealous of any women he meets and gets on with which is unhealthy but at least she will be miserable(hoorah)but she will drag him down with her.

I understand Im not the best person to advise him on what he should do and have never done anything to split them up as I doubt it would work.
Some other pals dont like her, guy pals of his say he's a grown up, let him make his own mistakes.I think he is scared of her to tell you the truth or scared of being on the shelf at 36.
They planned to marry last August but postponed it so they could save more money so itl be next year.

I do see other friends.I remember now I saw him about 2 fridays ago.we exchanged one joke and I mouthed to him(coz she was about)'are you ok' because he was leaning on a table with noone around him looking like he'd been told off.

Im not gona stop caring for him.Im sure thats what ex people are meant to do but if the relationship was a good one then there is no reason to not be friends.It was like we went out for no reason.

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Sounds to me like you like the attention... You like him hitting on you and telling you how much he loves you and wants to marry you, but you don't have the same feelings for him. He obviously still likes you and it doesn't seem that you have done anything to remind him that you are not interested in him. You are trying to place the blame on her for defending her boyfriend... If I were in her shoes I'd be pissed off too.

I think he feeds your ego and makes you feel good about yourself and that is why you keep him around. Why else would you put yourself through this kind of hassle?

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I love the attention but how is it helping me if I dont feel the same way?????
As I have said countless times I hardly see/talk to him so how is infrequent pretend compliments, which he later denies like its all in MY head, boosting my ego?

Surely me NOT saying 'yeah, sure il go back out with you' when he asks 'if I dump x will you go back out with me?' is a CLEAR indication of me reminding him that I DONT feel the same way.
Everytime he says something like that I feel bad for HIM.

You make it sound like Ive pounced on him and he is pushing away unwanted advances.
If my fiance was clearly interested in someone else Id take the hint,even if he was pretending.She cant be a happy bunny but why defend him if its all his doing?

Maybe its a cry for help from him.
H wants out of this realtionship and the only way he know how to do it is act like a knob so hopefully one day she will dump him.

WHY IS HE SAYING THESE THINGS/ACTING AS HE DOES, IF HE IS IN A HAPPY RELATIONSHIP?

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Just going by what you say, I think it's clear he's not.

But I also think it's clear that there's nothing you personally can or should do about that.

(Good stuff from jpin.) (Welcome to A2K btw, material girl!)

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Welcome to A2K, material girl.
In order, your fault, his fault, her fault.
He's a schemer... you know it and so does she. However, in this 3 way game of divide and conquer, you are the 3rd wheel. Put up or shut up. If you want him, go after him for crying out loud. Put him on the spot, and once you have an answer tell him you want to arrange a 3 way conversation to clear the air regardless of the outcome. If you don't want him, let him be happy with someone else. She should have more sense than to want to be the person he settles for, when settling for second best. But it's just cruel of you to remind her that's the case. You empower him to further denigrate her by keeping the possibility of rekindling open. That's not very nice.

Recommendation:
First: decide once and for all if you want this man or not.
Second: apologize to her for any and all slights, real and/or imagined. Her ways of trying to safeguard her happiness against outside interference may be childish, but surely, you can understand why she'd do it. Since you'll likely continue to see her at friendly gatherings, it's foolish to keep dragging grudges around to spoil evenings. Apologies are free.
Third: Once you've cleared the air with her, arrange that 3 way gathering, at a nice restaurant where people will behave and be respectful and put the cards on the table. Whatever the situation is at that point, all three of you deserve to be in the know. Otherwise, I suspect he will be scheming to keep his options open. You may never become friends, but surely your capable of maintaining a reasonable degree of civility, once the competition is over.

Just providing another opinion welcome to A2K!

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material girl wrote:

I love the attention but how is it helping me if I dont feel the same way?????
As I have said countless times I hardly see/talk to him so how is infrequent pretend compliments, which he later denies like its all in MY head, boosting my ego?

Surely me NOT saying 'yeah, sure il go back out with you' when he asks 'if I dump x will you go back out with me?' is a CLEAR indication of me reminding him that I DONT feel the same way.
Everytime he says something like that I feel bad for HIM.

You make it sound like Ive pounced on him and he is pushing away unwanted advances.
If my fiance was clearly interested in someone else Id take the hint,even if he was pretending.She cant be a happy bunny but why defend him if its all his doing?

Maybe its a cry for help from him.
H wants out of this realtionship and the only way he know how to do it is act like a knob so hopefully one day she will dump him.

WHY IS HE SAYING THESE THINGS/ACTING AS HE DOES, IF HE IS IN A HAPPY RELATIONSHIP?

I didn't mean that you are pouncing on him and he is turning away advances... i mean he is telling you what you need to hear and you are soaking it up becasue it is what you want to hear.

Question: You say hardly ever talk to him... when is it that you do? Is it when you are having problems in your life? Perhaps when you need a little pick me up? You know you can go to him and hear the things that make you feel better about yourself.

Quote:

Surely me NOT saying 'yeah, sure il go back out with you' when he asks 'if I dump x will you go back out with me?' is a CLEAR indication of me reminding him that I DONT feel the same way.

If you don't want to go out with him why wouldn't you just tell him that you don't want to go out with him instead of "NOT saying 'yeah, sure il go back out with you?" I get the feeling that whenever he says these things you just kind of sit there and don't react at all. You don't tell him anything one way or the other.

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Also surely the fact that HE IS GOING TO MARRY SOMEONE ELSE is enough indiction TO HIM that he shouldnt be interested in me anyway.
I shouldnt have to remind him Im not interested!!!!

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He's just keeping his options open... he wants to marry you and is telling you, and other people, that he wants to. You just sitting there not saying anything tells him maybe there is a chance. So he keeps trying. If, in the end, he can't get you... then there is the girlfriend.

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.

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If you are truly looking for a solution, neither his bad behavior nor her bad behavior excuses your bad behavior.

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My quick take. He is someone who can't make up his mind and wants what he can't have. His pattern will continue no matter who he's with. He's afraid to break up with girlfriend until he has another one lined up. He likes having a bird in the hand and one in the bush (no laughter please). That's his thing and it probably won't change until he grows up a little.

My question is, what does he do for you? What makes him a good friend? Anything? If the answer is not much, I'd just move on and make them both aquaintances rather than friends. Then you can stand back while he tries to find someone else to play your part. Most likely it will be her.

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Excellent replies guys.

I dont want him.

There is no possibility of rekindling anything so Im NOT empowering him to denigrate her.(great vocab)
I dont recall ever rubbing anything in her face except exsisting.I think her rules are the most cruellest things ive ever experienced.How would you like being ignored by a good friend just coz his girlfriend gave him orders to????You try it.

I used to say no but now its just so silly I dont bother because HE KNOWS I DONT WANT HIM and he is lying anyway.

I see him if we are at a local pub which I hardly go to anymore.
Life is average but Id never go to him for advice(he cant be that serious).
Yes he makes me laugh which is one of the first things I wrote and yes he is one of the first people i think of that can cheer me up but its not like i can pop round his house is it!!Or plan to meet up with him
Of course Il talk to him when I can, why wouldnt/shouldnt I.He talks to me about normal things too.
When we talk its about holidays or 'what ya been up to' or 'how are the wedding preperations coming along'.Normal things,like friends.He is usually drunk when he says the luvvy dovey stuff as Ive said before.
Its not like I see him and go 'ok now she's not in the room, lets talk about you and me'.

I have asked for a 3 way converstaion as I stated before but she accidently couldnt see him in full view stretched out on seating in the next room in a local pub.

I dont see why I should apolgize as I have not done anything wrong to her, except breathe.
I dont feel bad about not apologizing and I dont see why either of us should as I wouldnt mean it and she clearly didnt mean it with her previously mentioned schizophrenic responses.

How can we clear the air AND then have a pleasent 3 way conversation dragging it all up again??!That doesnt make sense.

What competition.She can have him.I just want to make sure he is GENUINELY happy.Seems like he is just convincing himslf.

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She is so concerned with looking friendly and nice infront of others.
Hehe,she could alway invite me to their wedding.Thatll show everybody that she is a nice person.At least I dont lie and try to be nice to her.I dont talk to her and therefore cant go out of my way to be nasty.
She didnt invite me to any of his birthday meals in the whole 5 years since they got together, not even before she went bonkers.

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material girl wrote:

What competition.She can have him.I just want to make sure he is GENUINELY happy.Seems like he is just convincing himslf.

Sounds like you are still involved in this three-way relationship because you don't believe he should be with her. And maybe you are right. But it's officially none of your business. You can't make sure he is happy, only he can do that. You're not his mommy.

I say leave it all alone.

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Is it me or her?

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