getting involved with someone in AA?

If it were me, I would not pursue this. Relationships are difficult enough, that a person need not have to run after someone who already comes with baggage.

I wouldn't get involved with him either. Alcoholism poisons more than just the alcoholic.

I respectfully disagree. We all come with baggage-- or at least I did, and thankfully my wife ran after me.

You do need to be careful. If this guy is in the beginning of a process of recovery, than he does not need a relationship and you don't need it either. People at the beginning of recovery need a lot of support, but a new relationship with any romantic aspect can get messy quick.

However, if he is in AA and has been working through his process of recovery for a while, I would say proceed with caution-- but you should do this in any relationship.

Many people who are living healthy lives after initial recovery continue to go to AA for a long time-- even for the rest of their lives. This is a healthy thing that allow people to continue to grow after a battle with alcholism.


The fact that this person is completely open with his recovery is a very good sign.

But we all come into any relationship with "baggage". That someone has the courage to work through his should not be held against him. If he truly is a great guy.. and he is honestly working to be more healthy, you may miss out on a fulfilling relationship.

So be careful. Make sure he is at a stage where a relationship can be healthy. But, don't hold AA against him.

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yeah i mean i've been engaged before so i geuss that is baggage. He was very upfront and honest about it, he is in AA and has not been drinking for some time. I actually hunt out with him and his parents pretty much all weekend. They are an awesome family-their son died two years ago which was a big part of his alcohol problems i guess. The bad thing is though is that he will not have his license back for 2 years

I'm with e_brown on not holding AA against him. The fact that he was so open about his problem is indeed a promising sign, but tread carefully until you and he are both positive that he won't have a relapse.

Early stages are exactly that, and it's a long process to full recovery. Sadly, you won't know if he will start drinking again until it happens, so it is a bit of a minefield to walk into at this point.

ebrown_p- Perhaps I should have explained my thoughts further. This guy is just starting AA. At this point in time diana78 does not know if her friend will be able to stay alcohol free. If he had been sober for say, a year or so, I would have been much less negative.

IMO, this guy does not yet have a "track record" to offer her. I would be loath to enter a relationship, where I would become involved and be stuck with a person who has a serious, chronic problem that might negatively affect my entire life.

Yes, we all come with "baggage". It is up toeach of us choose how much we are willing to accept in another person.

I once dated someone who was active in AA. Now, let me begin by saying that I did not find him attractive (despite his being a former member of a Minnesota Twins farm club, standing well over 6 feet tall, with curly blonde hair and blue eyes) and knew from the way he looked at me (we were both in grad school) that he would ask me out. Strike one.

I did not refuse the offer to "study" when he asked because I take words at face value. No. It was an attempt to get me into his apt.

He was rather obsessed with keeping his life together, which was unnerving.

What really mattered to me is that while I have never been an alcoholic, I enjoyed wine with dinners for several years . . . even then . . . and didn't want a relationship with him to go anywhere as I knew I would have to give up wine in the name of fairness.

FUrthermore, all of his friends were AA people and they told drinking and bartending stories that bored me to tears.

Consider the whole picture before you go out with him.

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well if he and i were ever to go out for dinner i dont see why i woudlnt be able to order a drink if i wanted one. I mean he would have to get used to being around alcohol with anyone. I noticed that his parents had plenty of bottles of wine, but he stuck to diet coke-he had a lot of diet coke...

I think it would be rude to drink in front of him at a restaurant. It would be worse to marry a recovering alcoholic if you like wine with your dinner and kept it in the house. Unforgiveable in my book.

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hmmm, i dont know then...at this point i dont feel that i have to give anything up as i dont know if we are going to hang out again...i guess i will take it as it comes.

Hi

New to site!!! Was going to post on here myself, but i saw your posting about starting a relationship with someone in AA. My situation is a littlsimilar, my ex partner goes to these meetings (although he is a recovering drug addict). Its hard going...hense i refer to him as an EX PARTNER..we are no longer together. He was a herion addict for 14 yrs (all b4 i knew him) and he is 2yrs clean. I met him in jan this yr - at first i knew nothing of his addiction, and as he was clean, there was nothing to tell me how it was. Then he told me about his past - to say i was shocked is an understatement. Well we didnt last, but not because of him going to AA and working the 12 steps (o yes i know it all). All addicts as far as i am aware of advised not to start any realtionship within the first 2 yrs of their treatment..i met my ex 15 months into his (obviously too early) I think the reasoning behind it is so they can concentraten themselves. Addicts are taking a huge step to ovecome their addiction and need time and space to do this. So all i can say thru my experience, is dont get involved, be a friend who secretly loves them but supports them. There is hope that you can have a fulfilling time together, but i would say, not yet.

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well i went out with him last night....and he had 2 drinks. I am scared. I really like him, but i dont see this working. I told him he shouldnt have the drinks, he insisted saying he was fine. He didnt get drunk, but just the fact that he had them when he trying to get better has made me very nervous. I even said to him, so you are in the very beginning stages of your recovery, he said yes. I even brought up that i heard they arent supposed to be involved with anyone. he just kind of laughed and said, that's not true. Eventually he did kind of admit that it was true, but nothing much else was said. This morning he said he felt guilty about having the drinks, but he wanted to forget about it. I feel really bad for him...but i dont know if us getting involved is a good thing...but i like being with him so much.

Where is your self-respect? You don't need to start a relationship with someone who is blatantly conflicted and selfdestructive. Terribly bad idea.

diana--

Exploring possibilities of a relationship with this guy at this time is not a good idea.

When you were a little girl did you sit down and think, "When I grow up I want to be an enabler?"

Until this guy gets his two year Clean & Sober Merit Badge (and last night was a setback) he won't be able to focus on anyone but himself. You deserve a full time lover--one you don't have to share with memories of the bottle.

One of the criteria of alccoholism is (the danger of) recurrence to the drug. (Actually, it's the only way to determine, if you are really an addict - one of the reasons, I don't drink since more than 20 years: if I fail this test ... :wink: )



Well, being myself someone "who is blatantly conflicted and selfdestructive" I truely can understand your thoughts.



Besides those asides, I think, ebrown already siad all, I would say as well.

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I have such a good time when i'm with him. He's easy to talk to and fun to be with. I havent known him that long, but so far he has treated me very well. he calls me everyday, he's affectionate. So far i dont see the harm although the drinks he had last night made me nervous.

I have utmost respect for alcoholics who are truly in recovery. But I would never recommend that Diana become intimately involved with a man who is lying to himself about his illness. She has no history with him, no emotional investment. He's not a good prospect for a relationship at this time.

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i'm just really depressed right now...there's always something with the people i date i tell ya. I dont want to stop seeing him....i really enjoy being with him....

There are good, emotionally stable, worthy men everywhere.

Maybe some counseling would help you define your goals and give you some insight into the motivations behind the choices you make.