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Sat 8 Jul, 2017 05:45 am
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Hi all. Basically I have a huge dilemma which is weighing on me. In short I started seeing a guy I have been friends with for a few years. He absolutelybesotted with me and always has been. He is 36 and I am 32. We have been dating Four months now and although we have an awesome time together and a good laugh I am feeling rather puzzled because I'm not sure if I love him as a great friend, or if I like him mor win a lover sense.he is a great great guy and I know my family are hoping I'm going to be with him, he is kind, spoils me rotten, absolutely hangs off my every word, buys me gifts , wants to plan for a future and is everything anyone would want in a faithful partner. However when I am with him I don't really feel very sexual towards him, and have never really fantasised about him in this way or about us in bed, although he has hinted at taking things further, when we kiss I enjoy it but I don't really feel sparks. I know the sparks are not everything though. Also I dont really get excited butterflies in the stomach kind of way about seeing him yet, but I do really enjoy meeting with him and love doing things together.
I am so puzzled. I am u sure wether or not to keep things going and that this is sometimes how relationships are , I.e you dont always need to feel attracted to the person outright to have a good relationship... or wether I am hoping things will go somewhere whereas In Reality we are just best friends. I feel bad when I think too much about this necause I know for a fact he is besotted with me and is falling for me But I have not experienced the giddy falling in love part yet. Any advice very welcome. Anyone else had this experience? I am worried that the deeper he falls the harder it will be to be friends if indeed I ever did decide this was all we were. So puzzled!
@Justlittleoldme,
You owe him the truth.
Tell him this has been a wonderful experience and he is a great guy - but you are not ready for him, and it's possible you might never be. The two of you should be seeing other people - please insist that he do so, so that he doesn't put all his feeling 'eggs' into one basket.
@Justlittleoldme,
Your OP topic sentence some would argue is upside down.
@Fil Albuquerque,
Hi I'm not sure what you mean?
@Justlittleoldme,
Do NOT feel bad for how you feel. Just be honest with him, your family, etc. There may be some hurt feelings and whatnot, but you don't want to be railroaded into a sympathy relationship (which is where it is headed).
End the formal relationship and you might even cool the friendship (not end, but keep yourself more busy) for a little bit so he really understands that you are serious about not wanting to date.
I suspect that he isn't going to take "no" lightly, so be prepared to stick with it.
@Justlittleoldme,
...because both forms are REAL I would prefer "friend love or romantic love" for phrasing your question...
Since you LIKE him and his good qualities so much, what's wrong with seeing if you can FALL in love with him on another level (sexual attraction)?
Start with the kissing. and give yourself permission to "let go" with it. You are not willing to light the match to see if there even is a flame. And remember: 32 is not 16.
I have a feeling that you are holding back on SOMETHING. Your description of this great guy doesn't match with your willingness to move forward to another level.
Any idea what it could be?
@Justlittleoldme,
Is he sexually attracted to you? If he is this could work so long as you play along, are willing to fake it till you make it, if not then you will end up living as brother and sister most assuredly.
Edit: 36 years old you say, how many relationships has he had of at least a year? I ask because the way you talk about him is suspicious, like he is a guy saying and doing all the "right" things because he has memorized a script, is playing a part, but that he does not feel these things.
@PUNKEY,
Thanks for replying. I'm not sure what you mean by 32 is not 16? I'm also not sure on what I am holding back on. There isn't anything imminent in my head that I could say is holding me back. He has booked us a weekend away n at weekend and I am slightly worried , if I let myself go and get intimate only for this to make me realise that I only feel for him in a platonic sense them surely I have lead him on and made things worse for him? But like you say I will never know if I don't go with it?
@hawkeye10,
He is and has made this clear. He has had a few relationships but not for a few years now. I am unsure as to how they ended or why. I know one of his exes cheated.
@Justlittleoldme,
If he is booking weekend getaways then you guys are on totally different planets. It's okay to not want to fall in love with somebody. It's totally okay to date somebody and decide you don't want to continue the relationship, that's why we date folks and don't just marry them at the first meeting. If you have some concerns about getting intimate then don't. If you don't think you can draw a hard line on not being intimate on this weekend getaway then don't go.
I usually say go with your gut. The absolute worst thing that can happen by cooling off this relationship is you are single and have to meet a new guy.
@Justlittleoldme,
Justlittleoldme wrote:
He is and has made this clear. He has had a few relationships but not for a few years now. I am unsure as to how they ended or why. I know one of his exes cheated.
Well then? A lot of people in arranged marriages over time learn to love each other, maybe you can too.
You are 32 you say, how many guys better than this guy have wanted you? And remember that the one who is most wanted has the power, hopefully you are well enough educated to know this......i am hard pressed to refrain from asking you "What seems to be the trouble ma'am?".
@hawkeye10,
I find this a strange attitude to have, what would you say if someone told u the same in this position?
@Justlittleoldme,
There is zero need or requirement to "learn to love" this guy. You guys aren't stranded on an island together, there are plenty of available options for you both.
If you don't feel it, you don't feel it. Nothing wrong with being honest with him and yourself.
@tibbleinparadise,
Thanks for your advice.i guess I know this guy would be so good for me. And I wonder if I would be giving up something really good, but at the end of the day there needs to be that something there maybe. Trying to work out what I feel for him is hard. I am so fond of him and I keep thinking to myself, is this what a relationship at my age is like? Even if you don't fancy them really at first?
@Justlittleoldme,
I would personally never settle into a relationship where there wasn't some sort of romantic spark. Nothing wrong with just being friends if that's how you see him.
I am 37 and male. If I were in a position where I would be free to date again I would be perfectly content taking as long as it took to meet somebody where that spark happened. My best friend is female, so I'm fine having female friends with no romantic interests. I'd patiently date until I found someone where I felt a connection and desire to take the plunge past friendship.
@Justlittleoldme,
He's a friend.
Don't feel pressured into a relationship because he wants one or because others think is a good idea for you.
22/32/42/52/82 - it's possible (desirable) to be excited by the thought of the person you're involved with. the early days of romantic love people should feel giddy/happy.
___
If you're not a rehash of the poster who recently talked about a weekend a potential boyfriend planned - did this guy talk to you about the weekend plan before booking it? does he understand that you are not romantically interested in him? does he get that this will basically be a pity weekend trip?
@ehBeth,
Hi I'm not sure what you mean by a rehash of a user? ?
He did not ask me about the trip he booked it as a surprise which I know was a kind thing to do. And I am looking forward to spending time with him definitely. I'm just feeling a bit out of sorts because much as I am looking forward to this I feel rotten he is going to so much romantic effort while I am here trying to figure out my feelings still .
Hello. Don't feel upset for what you feel, because feelings are beyond your power. Just be fair with him and try to make him understand in a kind way of talking. You should have sexual attraction and real love feelings for your partner. If there's nothing like that, then there is no need for you to start a relationship that'll have a really bad end. I hope this helps, good luck!
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