Reply
Fri 23 Jun, 2017 03:53 pm
Post Preview
As I (53) was my mothers Primary caregiver in our small, attached guest house at nights and working a full time job my wife of 18 years, feeling neglected, started sexting a friend of the family that was also my 11 year old sons Boy Scout leader. He was also going through a divorce at the time, and dating two mothers, unmarried, as well as trying to rekindle his relationship with his estranged wife.
My wife (46) knew his history and even kept the fact that he drunk called my 15 year old daughter, telling her how great my wife was and how he wanted her.
So... my dilemma. I had no idea this was coming. I had even planned a cruise and a surprise renewing of our wedding vows. She was a mistress to a officer in the Navy when she was younger and way before we met, but I blew that off as being young, stupid and the officer was using his power of rank to seduce her. I am guessing that was my mistake.
Now, a little about me. I work. I hide the stressful things from her, as she had a very stressful job. I took care of my parents place when pop got sick 8 years ago and died, and then continued to take care of it, coach, be a Team Mr. mom, fix our place and then become a primary caregiver to mom at nights for almost 2 full months.
Yes, I was busy; however, she never voiced a concern.
Yes, I was absent for a time, missing her coming home from work as I had to relieve the daytime caregiver,,, this losers mom.
Yes, I assumed my marriage would be intact when mom passed and I would have my wife to help me back from the darkness... well 10 days after, she tells me she is out. She and this guy I named are just friends she talked to... and I dug... and found out she lied.
I still love her. Two months later, I am 55 pounds lighter, sick, on anti depressants so I can cope at work and mu children are staying distant because of my crying spells. I collapsed at work and was diagnosed with stress-induced cardiomyopathy or broken heart syndrome. I was so unprepared I was told by the doctors it was as if she had died days after my moms passing.
Like I said, I still love her. I forgave her. She said she is torn and constantly is thinking about us and had only actually said they had intercourse once.
She looked me in the eye and said he was only a friend.
She cried when I told her about renewing wedding vows surprise being canceled with cruise.
I spent time admitted to the hospital and she was not there.
Him... Under achiever and in his 40's. Lives in moms basement. No job. Treats his kids like crap. Football and shooting team coaches removed him from the picture for berating his children. Two teens. Dated two other women and wants his soon to be ex back while he was schmoozing my wife. alcoholic.
I also had a very dark two weeks. My investigating {my project... I always finish my projects} Got screen shots and had him removed indefinitely from BSA Nationwide because he lied about the relationship. This act made everyone pretty upset in my family. I don't care. I exposed him for what he was and is. Finding out during this, he cheated on his wife with women in the while he was married to her with a 3 year old in the house.
Yes... My polar opposite. Her reasons other than being neglected? My "Happy go Lucky was gone" Yes... a mother with stage 4 cancer dying in your home will do that, and I was waiting to comeback and decompress in her arms. He is fun to be around. Well, if I was unemployed and having my bills paid for by mommy and not taking care of everything and a dying mom, I would be happy too.
You work too much. Huh? You want things, I need to work so you can have them. That made me happy.
Should I...
A. Send her packing to the basement and exercise my parental rights? {separation agreement gives me full custody so she doesn't have to pay child support}
B. Work on the love of my life and reaffirm our marriage and take her back?
Yes, I have less telling me to follow my heart and more telling me to cut her off. Meanwhile my chest hurts, the depression meds are not helping. My BP was always 120"s over 70's and the last week it has been over the 150's over 110's. I was very healthy.
On the flip side... small town. Most of the guys are lazy, drug addicts and cheaters. Have two women shaking my tree, 37 and 39. I know... stupid. I told them I want to fix my marriage. She and I work in the local hosp and the employees are not happy with her. People in town not happy with her. I can't go to the store without hearing it. I went the next county over to get groceries to get away from it and was hit again with questions. Many know this guy and are sickened over it.
So... your thoughts? Should I quit my job, become an alcoholic and screw married women? No I am not wired that way. There needs to be a connection.
@mannythedog123,
The fact that your entire town is up in your business has got to stop. Find a way to get it to stop, whether it's to talk to people directly or to your wife or the guy or whatever - doesn't matter. Someone starts bitching about your wife, tell them you don't want to hear it. And don't confide in them or treat any of them like a therapist. It's not their job and you can't trust them not to breach your confidence.
Why? Because this is adding to your stress, it is none of their damned business, and it is something you can do.
Now, as for your wife, etc., work out some sort of a separation. It can be temporary. But make it that she does not live under the same roof as you.
Why? Because she is stressing you out and also because she could stand to get a taste of what things will be like if things go to their logical conclusion and your marriage comes to an end. If loverboy can support her then he's welcome to try. If not, she is welcome to increase her hours or sell some of her possessions or get a roommate or whatever she needs to do in order to support herself.
Give it a hard end date, say, six months. Then reassess.
In the meantime, keep taking your meds and seeing your doctor, and counseling - just for you, not marriage counseling.
Note: I am not a doctor - but I believe you need to be separated from your worst stressors and allow yourself to strengthen.
PS Forget those other women. Just concentrate on yourself and on improving your health. Full stop.
@jespah,
The other ladies... yeah, they know I am not looking, as I want to save my family. Now there is the funny thing... or odd thing. That just makes them want to talk more. I actually had to block an others phone number to stop getting updates of where my wife was. Her ex was a cheater, lazy, under achiever {town is full of them} and I was not looking to be her replacement... It is also the "others" work family and parents of kids my children know... that WE hung with at sports and functions.
As far as the Town and work, I have pleaded with them to be nice to her from the get go, but people will also follow their hearts in the direction they drift. I get it.
My work wives (14 of them) are pretty biased. I have learned a long time ago you don't tell women what to think. You plant a seed and wait for the tree to grow. (I am joking... or am I) I think that is the hardest. Them being there for me, the hugs when mom died that I didn't get from her. The X-Ray tech cradling me in the ER when my implode of emotions exploded, not her. She should have been there for me as I have been daily for her and she was not; yet, all I can do is think of our life and how this really isn't that bad a thing to work through.
We have a family friends 3 states away that live in a big house and no kids that has asked us to move away and restart. Nice town and schools with plenty of work we do and 20 minutes from her mom and dad who are alone. The opportunities are there, she is just lost.
@mannythedog123,
14 people are your confidantes?
Then you are bringing a lot of this crap on yourself. Cut it out. This is really, really harming your son, to share this with so many people who have their own agendas and are under no ethical obligation whatsoever to keep your secrets.
Work with a therapist only. Ditch the 'work wives'. If they ask what is happening, thank them for their concern and then
change the subject.
If the town starts talking about your business, tell them to cut it out and then
change the subject. No begging. Don't engage them beyond telling them to stop and then moving on. Get up and physically leave the conversation if you have to.
See the pattern here?
A big part of your stress (which is adversely affecting your health) is coming about because there is no escape from this mess and that is all you ever talk or hear about. But you are causing the stress by perpetuating the gossip.
So stop the gossip train at your door.
Will they talk about you behind your back? You better believe they will. But you don't need to hear it.
Right now, you are the conductor of the gossip train. Stop it, at least from your own lips.
@jespah,
I get it... I really do; however, when I melted down, I do not remember what I said or did. They thought I was having a heart attack. Days later I found out what I said. By then, it was too late. I had broken the circle of gossip, as it all came back to me where ever I went. I didn't start it, but it did take on a life of its own. Sadly, the facts are there, and it is all the real story when people want to console me. I know we can beat this if we take a united front.
On another note, my children were told I was going to take them from their mother. I sat with them today, in front of their mom and told them this was not true. I explained to them that I not only forgave their mother and wanted to reunite our family, but they were a fantastic gift to their mother and I. The oldest knows I had a vasectomy reversal so she could have children from conversations with my wife a couple of years ago. My children understand they were not only made through love, but really wanted.
In any event, my wife cried and sobbed. The kids, well I could not read them at all. I explained that I did not want a "friendship" with mom, as this was not high school and it is a step backwards. This is life, and we work through the hard times. They know I never raised a hand or my voice to her. They know I never called her a bad name nor undermined her in anyway. They know what she did, as in this town, they heard it from the guys son at school.
So... ball is in her court. Now I wait in silence, as my best friend says I am a dolt.
@mannythedog123,
Have you actually read what jespah advised you to do?
I can see that you want your wife back any worse way, however you'll set yourself up for another heartache in a jiffy. You know your vows said "in sickness and in health" and while you were in the hospital, gravely ill, she
never even visited you. Why on earth would you want someone back who
you a) cannot trust and b) doesn't give a damn about you. It takes someone cold hearted, without compassion to let a spouse lay in a hospital bed and not even care. This alone would be the kiss of death for me!
I could no longer - nor would I want to - be with a person who has so little
regard for my welfare.
Good luck to you!
@CalamityJane,
The history we have is deep and full of romance and beautiful, smart and funny children. I think of my grandchildren going through scrapbooks someday and it all being crap and half pictures. so much rich history in my family and history my wife and I made together. I don't want to pitch it away because she felt neglected.
@mannythedog123,
I think you're hanging on to pipe dreams. Reality is quite different, isn't it?
I forgave her, she shut me down. I threw up my hands August the 2nd in defeat. I told her I would sign anything and move on. Take the kids, take the house, take it all. I just wanted to be gone, leave this small town and never return. I was already the "Pay at home" dad so why not just leave and be the pay away dad. Never saw the kids but a hand full of times anyway. Had a great job lined up, travel and a home base at a friends home 3 states away.
August the 4th, she asks how I could find the way to forgive her as I did. I explained that 1 Corinthians 7, 10 and 11 explains it all. I explained to her that I was patient, but eventually gave up. She, and the kids made themselves clear, and at 1/3rd of the man I was, my heart physically, and my soul could take no more. I deeply loved her, but I was finished. For 18 years I was the affectionate, responsible husband, father, caregiver and always gainfully employed; however, that was not what any of them wanted in their lives.
Fast fwd Two months later, we, she, the kids and I, are now in the same house. She was diagnosed with lobular carcinoma. She is missing part of her RT. breast and lymph nodes and is in her 2nd week of radiation. The kids are happy I am back in the house. I rented the small house, as to never return there again. I am now my wife's caregiver. She is affectionate as she can be under the circumstances, but seems sincere. We have planned short vacations with the kids, as vacation days left are few due to surgery, treatments, her and my work and kids school.
Yes, I missed out on a summer of fun, and was neglected and treated cruelly. What did I learn? First off, those that do not matter in my life say she got away with murder. What I feel did happen? God allowed me to be broken down. I was then rebuilt to be the caregiver someone special to me needed. Not a parent, but a spouse. Does she love me? I can honestly not say. She won't say it, but what I am doing is showing my 15 1/2 year old daughter what she needs to find in a husband and how not to treat one. I am teaching my 12 year old son how a responsible adult takes care of business and does not bail at the first sign of trouble, or what he would perceive as trouble.
Pay back? Well, he got his when he showed his ass in public and it changed his life forever. He is a sad, 44 year old man that will eventually pry his mouth from his mommies nipple, and figure out life, as his ex wife continues to make 150K plus a year and he lives in a basement being taken care of by his mom on $800 a month, minus child support for 3 kids. I also was able to expose him for being a predator, and in his fit of rage, wrecked his only vehicle beyond repair.
See, I am a submarine not a bomber. I hit below the waterline and watch you slowly sink into the abyss.
My wife? She is sick and thankful. Will she still be here in 6 years when the youngest graduates? I don't know as of now. Will she ever love me again? That too I have no answer on. Am I an idiot? Also out for review. What I can tell you is I have lost 80 pounds,, yet I am no longer vomiting everyday. My esophagus is healing, but I cannot eat beef at this point or anything greasy.
No, God did not give her cancer. What God did do is have it located by a technician that spent an extra 10 minutes with my wife. If it had not been caught, she would have died in 3 to 5 years due to the location.
Like I told her, gray, wrinkled, scared and burned by radiation... I will always love her. She is my wife, and a commitment is a commitment.
You're a good man and I hope she's got enough penance to better herself.
I am not religious, so I don't like it when people put their lives in "God's hands" because that's an excuse to not take it in your own hands and deal with it.
I wish you luck and I truly hope you both have healed from this and can enjoy a new start in your marriage and life. Good luck to your wife's health as well and thank you for coming back to give us an update on your situation.
I really hope your wife will realize what she has in you! All the best for the both of you!
@CalamityJane,
One month ago and in remission, she moved on with the creep. I am in the process of gaining custody after I realized when she didn't need chemo, and only radiation she didn't need me anymore. I did what I needed to do. I stepped up and forgave, but she does not want responsible, and a man that will support and teach morals to our children. She wants a man child that had been locked up in county twice in the last two months for threatening his ex and her fiance.
Go ahead and say I told you so, as many at work already did. Lesson learned. Backing me into a corner, I am biting back. She had said during our first separation that I hated confrontation and it bothered her, so now she will get a life times worth over the next couple of months. Used and abused with an unhappy 12 year old boy that wants his dad, I will go broke with the best lawyer money can buy to secure him.
1 Corinthians 7, 10 and 11 says...
10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
I will need to break that covenant and divorce her for what she had done. Fool me once shame on you... fool me twice shame on me.
If mama is done, she is done. I yield.
@mannythedog123,
I am sorry to hear that - I would have hoped that she's smarter than that.
Well, you cannot change people you only can change yourself and you're in the process of doing so. Good luck to you and your son!
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace