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Cheating Spouse or me overacting?

 
 
Sun 5 May, 2019 09:00 pm
On January 26 2018 I found some purchases made by my husband for his secretary. He said she didn't have a debit card so he purchased. She paid him back. These were made in November 2017. I was not consulted. Purchases made with my credit card. I confront him. Of course about cheating. Some purchases were made with items engraved with lovely dovey stuff along with a gift for me. He said hers was for a friend of hers. He said he had not cheated. He loved me. Wanted us to be happy together.Three days later he was numb. Didn't know what he wanted. loved me but didn't know if he wanted to be with me. Things got bad. He shut down. He hid his phone. Fast forward April. He can finally tell me he wants to be home and with me. Still doesn't want to talk about her. I have a bad week out of each month or more. I have yet to see his phone. I explained that is what i needed to move forward. Prove to me there was nothing. He showers me with gifts. Makes a point to show and tell me daily how much he loves me. I feel crazy, lost, ungrateful wife, nagging wife.. I know they have text. He accidentally sent me a screenshot which had a drop down of an incoming text from her with hearts & heart eye emojis. Probably not about work. He wouldn't show me that text the day it happened. Our marriage had improved in alot of ways. I can't be fully happy because our marriage that one had transparency is full of secrets and unknown passwords. All of this changed once she started in 2017 working for him. I again asked for the millionth time tonight for his phone. He is too tired and stressed about work to get into tonight. He just wants to lay in bed, watch TV, & love me. I love him more than anything. I don't know what to do or what to think. I know what my gut has always said. I need honest opinions. Thank you
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Type: Question • Score: 2 • Views: 1,894 • Replies: 16
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jespah
 
  2  
Mon 6 May, 2019 05:15 am
@Jennie2Smalls,
Get marital counseling, either together or alone. Open up to an impartial professional about what's happening.

BTW, I think he's doing something which makes him feel guilty but it may not necessarily be physical cheating. I am suggesting counseling so you can work together to some form of resolution (which isn't necessarily staying together).
Jennie2Smalls
 
  1  
Mon 6 May, 2019 11:37 am
@jespah,
Thank you for responding. He wants to smother me with love and gifts. He has always been good to me. I can't dispute that. At what point do I demand his phone, and risk a marriage. Their is a bug gray area that he blows me off. When it comes to her, he basically goes mute. I have said no matter the wrong I am here. If I find out another way, then things could go the other way. I said if the shoe was on the other foot, I would give him what he needed to feel secure and good. I can't understand why he doesn't want to prove he hasn't cheated.
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Mon 6 May, 2019 03:10 pm
@Jennie2Smalls,
Is this all coming down to his phone? He won’t give it to you and that’s driving you nuts.

You say he’s loving and pays attention to you. Does he have time for a full blown affair?

What would he do if you said “I need assurance that this thing is over and you are exclusive to me. I feel you are still tied to her over the phone. That must stop. How will you prove your love to me and me alone?”


Jennie2Smalls
 
  1  
Mon 6 May, 2019 07:33 pm
@PUNKEY,
Yes the phone is an issue. We have always been open with our devices up until 2 years ago (about the time she started working for him). I never felt the need to snoop. It was never on silent. He would lay it down and walk off. If it rang, he would ask me to answer it. I have begged to see their correspondence for a year now. He says there is nothing to see. Ok the show me. You hiding the device only makes you look guilty. He totally blows me off when I mention her. I just need clarity. I have ask & begged. I get nothing.
0 Replies
 
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Mon 6 May, 2019 08:16 pm
@Jennie2Smalls,
There's got to be a point where all of this just stops. As in, no more. And mean it. It seems like a nasty game between 12 year old kids, instead of adults. Quit. Stop it all. Stop asking. Stop asking questions, stop asking for his phone, stop telling him what you're feeling or need.

He knows.

He knows...

It's a game. A terrible, no-sum-game. Loser weeps, and you...don't want to lose. Lose what? Your self esteem, your dignity, your sanity? Yep, you lost all of that.

What, exactly, can he actually PROVE to you? Either you take it on Faith or you just take it.

Really? A MILLION times you asked for his phone? As if twice wouldn't be sufficient? Come on, you're playing, toying, not serious.

And when you actually GET serious, he'll also know THAT. And that will be the End.

So, keep playing silly, non sequitur games, it's keeping the marriage alive.

Me? I'd quit. It's the only reasonable, sensible thing to do. I'm an adult. It's time you act like one too.
Jennie2Smalls
 
  1  
Mon 6 May, 2019 10:54 pm
@neptuneblue,
Unfortunately, you are telling me what I already know. I was able to feel like what it would be to lose him last year. Honestly, I am terrified to go through that. It is a game. I torture myself. I once had faith he would give me clarity. Now I ask with no hope. Thank you for your harsh honest answer.
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Tue 7 May, 2019 06:08 am
@Jennie2Smalls,
Take a deep breath.

In.

Out.

What is your gut saying.
Jennie2Smalls
 
  1  
Wed 8 May, 2019 10:48 am
@neptuneblue,
My gut says something happened. He regrets it and doesn't want me to know. Again, yesterday he said I could have his phone. He said I wouldn't find anything. So for 3 days I have been telling him why I need it. He knows why. Yet, he hasn't made a point to give it to me. I have told him how hurt I am. I don't think there is anything i could say or do that would make him tell me everything.
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Wed 8 May, 2019 08:10 pm
@Jennie2Smalls,
I'd like you to re-read your post, and this time, make sense of it.

Why are you asking for his phone? You don't really need it. You've latched on to an inanimate object to take your frustrations out on. This isn't about his phone, it's about his continual balking of interfacing with YOU.

He's told you that you're not going to find incriminating evidence of a cheating scenario. And you should actually believe that. He isn't that stupid to leave conversations that makes HIM look bad, it's an act to make YOU look bad.

So why do it? Again, there's got to be an end of the vicious circle that YOU have created. Stop asking for his phone. It's futile and childish and doesn't get you where you need to be.

Where you need to be is a happy, safe place where endless games are not the norm and open, honest conversation is how you live your lives. Be realistic, which option is going to be the better one, finding out he did cheat, or finding out he didn't, after the way you've acted? How are you going to go forward after this?

This isn't about him, it's about you, and how you want your life to go.
Jennie2Smalls
 
  1  
Thu 16 May, 2019 06:14 am
@neptuneblue,
I do appreciate the your opinion. There is so much more that has happened. I really didn't want to list it all. He lied about a checking account for 8 months that I knew about. I saw the documentation. it wasn't until a month ago he came clean. Our marriage has never been controlling. Always very open. We discuss finances but not ask permission. We discuss how to purchase fun stuff & work it in the budget. We have had a joint checking since 2005. Now all of a sudden he has opened this one. Told be straight up lies. All of our financial and social media accounts passwords were together on an excel sheet. I never checked anything because of trust. He changed everything without telling me. He purchased an apple watch. Just before he took me off the only credit card he has in him name. Changed the shipping addressed to work. We have Samsung devices. She has an Apple phone. I wander who the watch was for. I found that out before he shut me out. He bought a $20p Christmas tree on my home depot card. Said it wa for is helper Robert. Robert was paying him back. I finally ask Robert. Again a lie. The tree never came home. The list goes on. Can you see why I can't believe the crap that comes out of his mouth? The checking account was so he would have money in case he wanted to bounce. Her paychecks were going in that account in the beginning also. I know that for a fact. He denies it. I have proof. He continues to patronize me with BS answers. How do you take the phone as an honest answer. If there is nothing then proof it. Trust us the issue. I have begged for the openness and transparency that we once had or I thought we had. I am starting to wonder how long he has had the wool over my eyes.
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Thu 16 May, 2019 07:01 am
@Jennie2Smalls,
You have your proof. Either act on it or not.
0 Replies
 
Medusax
 
  1  
Thu 16 May, 2019 08:21 pm
@Jennie2Smalls,
Yes, he is cheating or has cheated. Did you really have to ask?
Jennie2Smalls
 
  1  
Wed 22 May, 2019 07:00 am
@Medusax,
I am the type of person that needs to actually see if for myself. I have accepted that I will never know the truth. I just have to learn to deal with it. What if I am wrong? Ruin a marriage for no reason?
neptuneblue
 
  0  
Wed 22 May, 2019 08:56 pm
@Jennie2Smalls,
You are asking the Collective to make a very personal and very hurtful decision for you. Nobody gets to make that choice but you. You're wanting us to assign blame and really, we can't can't do that. We just don't know.

The only reality you have to face, IS reality. Your marriage has been ruined a long time ago. How you deal with that is strictly up to you. Sure, we can advise, but ultimately, there's no guaranty. This is what character is made of. And faith. It can go either way, to stay and fix the issues in your marriage, or NOT.

You say you want proof, then say you have proof. Then back off the proof to need more proof that proves you were right or wrong all the while.

It's exhausting.

STOP.

Don't look at others to provide YOUR answers.

Pick a path. Make it yours.

That's the truth.

And that's all the reason you need.
Jennie2Smalls
 
  1  
Sun 26 May, 2019 03:48 pm
@neptuneblue,
I don't think I ask for anything more than opinions. I submitted this post hoping to others who had been through this. No I haven't seen him cheat with my own eyes. I have to decide how long I can tolerate how I feel. He is so happy with how we have gotten closer. In some ways the marriage has improved. Anytime I bring it up for discussion he goes above and beyond to show his love..more than usual. I find that odd. Either out of guilt or to distract me. I am not sure why you feel the need to attack me. Thought this was a place to vent, advice, & talk with others going through a hard time.
neptuneblue
 
  2  
Tue 28 May, 2019 05:42 am
@Jennie2Smalls,
You'r asking if you were overacting and the answer is whatever you want it to be. I don't see a marriage lasting when both participants play emotional and financial games with one another. It's not going to get any better until one of you decides to get off the merry-go-round.

He's perfectly ok with how things are, he gets to cheat, deny it, gaslight you and throw you some affection to make you stick with him so he can do it all over again. You're perfectly ok to keep your life in upheaval, tense, insecure, blaming him for your unhappiness and financial distress so you can prove you're right.

It's already been a year of this. 365 days of over the top behavior from both of you. Some marriages can last 30-40-50 years of this. The question is, is that how you want yours to go? If it is, do everything exactly as you are.

If not, quit going in circles.

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