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Need help and advice on my marriage of 14 year

 
 
Reply Thu 9 Apr, 2015 01:59 pm
hello first of all please bare with me this is my first time on a help forum. but im hoping any one can help me as i can not cope feeling the way i do any more and its driving me mad. me and my husband have been together for 14 years i got with him when i was 14 years of age we have 3 amazingly beautiful children my eldest 6 my middle 3 and my little boy who has recently turned 1 years old. just before Christmas day i found out my husband was having an affair with a women at work for several months well he says it was only a month started in november but looking on his call/message history it was alot longer then that please dont think im a snooper im far from it he has all the privacy he could want or did have i didnt know passwords for any thing i never went through his phone or even knew how much he got paid or his bank details as i trusted him 100% so never questioned him or felt the need to. this is where my problem lies i was sexually abused as a child for many years i didnt and dont trust any one i find it very hard but me and my husband grew up together our mums are best friends and have been since they was 12 year old so its not like i didnt know him and a few year of us being together i finally felt at ease i felt safe and secure and learned to put my past to the back of my head i could sleep my husband became my blanket if that makes sense my problem is my husband thinks as its the first time he says of having an affair he is pretending it is all ok and fine but its not far from it my past has come back like a house falling down on top of me and i dont understand why why am i thinking of my past why has it come back. my abuser was my grandad i loved him dearly and trusted him and i thought up until a certain age that it was normal but as i got older i realised it wasnt and what he said and did was not love. i am so so sorry for this post but my mind is all over the places.
i do understand the excitement of some one wanting you the attention and it is nice for some one else to find you attractive it makes you feel good makes you feel sexy and wanted but he took it to far he didn't say no he disappeared for a whole night and this is very out of character for him as he as never ever done this before i found Durex in his work bag and he claims that they was for us but im on coil so we haven't used them for a while and the sex did stop for 2 month even though we did have a very active sex life. the funny thing is i should have known my husband came up to me apologizing of the lack of sex and that it was down to stress at work but he had a love bite on his neck when we had this conversation and i can remember questioning him about it and he said that i had done it the other night even though he just came up and apologized for our none sex life over the past few month all this was a few month before i found out then he stsrted buying me things and being nice helping round the house i nearly died when he said we was going out never in 14 years had he taken me out any where i was so excited but still hurting from him going out a few night before and not coming home until 5am. oh my head hurts right how do i get past this trust now i have gone from 100% to -100000000% i dont know if i can carry on to be honest i am sorry for my long winded scattered story of my life i just need some advice. and thank you for taking the time to read
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Type: Question • Score: 12 • Views: 2,500 • Replies: 9
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jespah
 
  1  
Reply Thu 9 Apr, 2015 02:05 pm
@heartbroken1234,
Whoa, let's back up here.

You are an abuse survivor.

I am going to operate under the assumption that you haven't had treatment for this, or it wasn't finished or recent.

So - beyond your marriage, etc., this would be a good idea.

As for the rest of it, you and your husband could use couples counseling to try to get through this, or decide what your next steps will be. If he won't go, go without him.
heartbroken1234
 
  1  
Reply Thu 9 Apr, 2015 02:10 pm
@jespah,
i am sorry for the post it is scattered but alot is surfacing that i put to the back of my head. no i didn't have any help i just got put on anti depressants by my doctor at the age of 11 i came off these when i had my first daughter and went back on them when my daughter was 2 then i found out i was expecting again and came of them and not been on them for over 3 years but i feel like i need to go back on them but dont want to as they make me emotionless and i hate that feeling
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Thu 9 Apr, 2015 02:11 pm
@heartbroken1234,
I'll let other comment on the other issues but this is really disturbing to me:
Quote:
I never...even knew how much he got paid or his bank details

What kind of thought process is going on here? This sounds like he controls a lot. This is, IMHO, very unwise.

Furthermore, cheating once is abusive and neglectful. Also, he lied about how long it's been going on too. See professional counseling. Also you need medical follow-up if you've been on anti-depressants since your were 11.

Why wouldn't you insist on knowing how much he made? How can you have a marital budget? I'm wondering ...things like... Do you pay the bills at all..or are you involved at all with any of the finances? How can you know when you shop for groceries if there's enough money in the account? Do you have any of your own money?
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Thu 9 Apr, 2015 02:14 pm
@heartbroken1234,
Well, you're an adult now and can get help. And so long as you're considered to be competent, you can refuse if you don't want to be put on medication again.

But you really need to work through these issues as they are a part of this.

I'm also with Ragman - not knowing the family finances is not a good thing, regardless of the affair, etc. This is basic information and you should have it.

Period.
heartbroken1234
 
  1  
Reply Thu 9 Apr, 2015 02:18 pm
@Ragman,
i have a budget of 120 a week i pay for shopping gas and electric my daughters dancing lessons and school fees its tight but i manage. no i have none of my own money since finishing work but then even then i didnt have money it all went on bills
0 Replies
 
heartbroken1234
 
  1  
Reply Thu 9 Apr, 2015 02:21 pm
@jespah,
i know and i will. and your right i just trusted him and he works hard for his money i know our rent gets paid and the main things i just never knew his income
0 Replies
 
trustbutconfirm
 
  1  
Reply Fri 10 Apr, 2015 09:43 am
I insisted on knowing about our financial affairs after 17 years of marriage.
I was a stay at home mom and trusted he was doing the right things.
I never vot an allowance and long story short he was very selfish.
Now that I insist and demand equal status and got a job to jelp out (handed over my checks when I worked full time for 7 years before we had children)
I can tell when he dose have to acknowledge that im an equal and need money too he does it resentfully.
How nice of him to give you money to pay bills.
I thinkmen are very confused about their roles anymore.
I would tell all young women to have a professional career started before they get married. And if they are going to be stay ay home moms to keep their foot in the door. Stop giving men the upper hand in financle matters and let them know you will be completely fine taking care of yourself is the bestbdefense against being taken advantage of. Sorry for all the sp's on on my sons dang ipad thing
0 Replies
 
Eliusa
 
  -3  
Reply Tue 14 Apr, 2015 12:50 pm
All this time people were telling me that when man has an affair they still have sex with their wives...hmmm

I just want to know what man says? Is he staying in marriage? Is he remorseful?

My take on this - I do pay all the bills and I am the one who does all the affairs in the family. I can not imagine not to know what's what. And my lover's wife just like OP - has no clue.
Maybe men just need women who are more assertive? And active?
0 Replies
 
Ali243
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 May, 2017 02:18 am
@heartbroken1234,
I feel your pain. Let me start by saying that I am new here. My background seems to be fairly similar. I was physically/mentally/sexually abused by my first husband, and sexually abused by relatives in my teen years. Then I met my husband...who is my world. Protector of me and mine from anything and everything. There is no doubt in my mind he truly loves me. None!!

However....we...who I believe are soulmates...finish each other sentences...love to spend all our free time together...that type of stuff...had problems that, after 15 years of being together, accumulated in him cheating on me. I found out 3 days before Halloween last year...and I had no clue...none. I knew we were busy, but him doing this completely blindsided me.

I tell you this in a hope to say I feel where you are coming from. I read your post and it struck a chord in me.

After things that have happened in the past with me, I told him I was leaving. I believe anyone doing something like this once, either has done it in the past, or will definately do this again.

He has been nothing but supportive. Not just saying he is sorry, which I believe he truly is, but giving me full access into anything and everything he has. I now have all logins to anything and everything he has. Even to login to his work computer desktop.

So my question is this...what has he done to make you feel like this is over. That it will never happen again. That this was a one time thing...and will NEVER happen again?

And yes, my husband tried to minimize it by not telling me everything that happened at first...tried to "ease my mind" by lying even more...but he eventually caved and told me (I hope) everything. So him lying to you about how long it had been going on, could possibly be him just trying to not hurt the one he loves...which is you.
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