My husband is an abuser and I still want to stay with him

Hi,
The title I have used clearly states my issue...my husband is an abuser and I still want to stay with him but do not know if I should or if it is the right thing to do. By abuser, I mean that he has hit me on numerous occassions and has insulted me on many more. He demeans me only in private and says things that no one with a rational mind should say ( not only about me, but about everyone that plays an important role in his life). He does these abusive things when he falls into rages over seemingly petty subjects. I have noticed that this is all related to control: He is controlling down to the point of my finances and my personal decisions that impact our future-- ie. jobs to take, places to live, things to do. Something to say about me is that I am a vulnerable person and easily influenced by others, and this is not a trait of myself I love. But, he is the person that I have loved more than anyone else and I made a commitment to him, to his family, and to myself in marrying him. However, the man I married is not the man he is today.

The biggest current issue for me is this: two days after returning alone to my hometown for my father's funeral, and in the midstof mourning my father's death, I found out a suspicion I had of him was true: he had cheated on me a few weeks before and had lied to me when I confronted him on it (denying it). My first reaction was to feel the most intense pain I had ever experienced- more severe than the loss of my dad, was that this had occured, and that he had lied about it. Now, after my anger and pain has lessened, and I have cried until I can no longer cry, my thinking takes another turn. I had reacted at first in saying "I will never forgive you for cheating on me," and then, after telling him I wanted a divorce, fell into a period of silence and shock at my confession (I had never thought I would utter the word "divorce," even though I thought it in my head so many times). Now, after the fire has cooled, my thinking has turned into this: I am willing to forgive him because I love him and do not want to loose what goodness we had, or regret leaving him because of the change in our relationship I think we can produce. We have since spoken over the phone (I am still in my hometown) and have had some calm, rational conversation about our needs and wishes. He admitted to me that cheating was the worst thing he could have ever done and that he felt so ashamed and foolish. He admitted that he was willing to come to my hometown to see me (although he despises being here) because he wants to be with me more than anything. My thinking has turned not as much from what he said, but because from a moral perspective, I want to try to fix this relationship and all that comes with it (love, intimacy, affection, and ultimately comraderie- ie. not being alone-- the biggest thing I am scarred of).

There are, however, several other issues on the line: we are both very young (he 24, me almost 23); he is an immigrant and english is his second language, just as his first language is my second language; his family depends on our relationship as a great thing (I contacted his mother explaining all this and she ultimately told me that I needed to be 'an adult' and try to fix this relationship and understand that a relationship is about more than just one person-- indicating that I should also take responsibility for the things that have come to pass); and that my husband is plainly a controlling person. All of my close family and friends tell me to get out of this to protect myself from future harm; they are worried for my safety and wellbeing and tell me that I deserve much better. I plan to see a therapist and have told my husband the only way I will come back to him is if he agrees to do the same. He has agreed, but- actions always speak louder than words. My mother, whom I confide in, only wants my happiness and preaches of the wonderful fulfilling relationships I can have in the future, telling me that she is sure if I don't leave him now, it will happen one day in the future and it will be under much worse circumstances.

In spite of all of this, I am stuck on the 'here and now' and know that the love I have felt and still feel for this man is greater than for anyone else, greater than I have ever known, and it does transcend the violence and abuse he has put me through. I am also a hopeful person and always hope for the best, even if it is not a rational hope. Yet that part deep down inside tells me that I will never be able to fix this trend of his (the cycle of abuse) and that even if I try, he will somehow relent and then blame me for everything. I have great hope in him, but my fear of being hurt is great too. I also fear loneliness more than anything at the same time that I feel that I owe him and his family the love I need to bear for him.

For now, I am in limbo, still in my hometown and far away from harm's way. Yet my heartstrings are pulling me back and it takes every effort not to buy a ticket back to our home.

I need the reader's advice, especially if you know from experience what this is like. What would you do? Is love greater than everything else, and can it ultimately heal all and bring us both happiness?

Can a person who has known intense pain during his life and who therefore inflicts it on his loved ones, give up those habits?
And, how important is this idea of "two people in a relationship"?

Simply do not know what to do. Please help.