Thu 1 May, 2014 07:22 pm
I really need help, i hope you can help me. I need your opinion and advise. it is not a short story, so brace yourselves.
I am 32 as well as my wife. This year on November we will have our 6th aniversary. English is not my mother lenguage. We had previously a 4 year relationship as bf and gf. Been with his girl for almost a third of my life.
We have no children. She decided so, and i am cool with it, it had let us try to live as we wish. We had planned to have a child near our forties and adopt if we want another one later.
I am a medical doctor she is a dentist. Since the begining she said she wanted to work only if she feel like it. I agreed and took care financially of everything. She hasn´t been on a job for more than 2 weeks on the last 5 years. I tried my best, we own our house we have a car for each of us, we have taken at least 2 vacations out of our country per year. Food, clothing, medical services had never been an issue. She had always had a personality with depressive tendencies.
When we were planning our wedding i took a job on a city 2 hour away of our hometown, not good money but with growth opportunities, she said she was cool with it, we were going to get married anyway and she was willing to follow me. I play it the best i could since i am terrible at emotional intelligence, i talked to her about my male and female coworkers returned to our hometown almost daily and every weekend. I was always texting her and never lose a single one of her calls. Suddenly she acused me of been cheating with a coworker. I, of course, wasn´t. When we discuss it she told me a psychic read her the tarot cards and told her so. We fought a lot... realy a lot. It was the stupidiest thing i´d ever heard. I ended up dumping that job and returning to my hometown. The relationship was saved. But to this day when her mood is down and depressive she seems to still hold the idea that i really cheated on her.
During our early marriage i hasnt been perfect, i never cheated, but things went smoothly anyways, or at least it seemed to me. I was happy to be with the love of my life and tried my best to make her happy.
Now is when things get complicated. In my country doctors are not as well paid as on developed countries (neither are dentist, their incomes tends to be really low). Two years and a half ago we got stuck with financial problems, i had no option but to have 3 jobs at a same time, working from monday to sunday with night shifts, having to stay out of my house for long periods of time. She supported me on this. But things got worst there was a problem on one company i worked for and didnt recived de wage i deserved for the entire month of december of 2012, it was going to help us get out of trouble soon, we started fighting i looked quickly for another job. in less than a week i had another job offer (i´ve been always lucky finding jobs). I started letting her go out with friends since i was working a lot since she was stressed expecting that will calm her down at least a little bit.
We had really little sex those months, suddenly she decides to remove her hair with laser from the bikini area, she even ask me help to mark the size and form of the area. But it was February? There were no vacations on sigth untill at least July and we barely had sex. And in spite of we had recently fights because of money?
Everything crashed later. one Saturday night i had a night shift at 10 o´clock, we spend the day together, she asked me permission to hang out with a friend that night. I accepted. I helped her choose shoes hair style and a dress. She went away at 8 o´clock, i decided to chill on my xbox before work. She forgot her cell phone and it started ringing. I always had respected her cell phone, but it started ringing again and again. I decided to pick up and tell her friend she was on her way to her home. When i picked the phone it was a number without contact info, i had no time to answer the call. There where a lot of calls from that number. i checked the messages and my hearth crushed. There were three different conversations that shocked me:
One was a man with whom she was talking about a debt (unknown to me) that she was going to pay.
Another was with a woman with whom she (my wife) was angry for taking to her bf on his shop, the woman apologized telling her (to my wife) that she had her own bf and that she never flirted, that it was a misunderstanding.
The last was a conversation during the day with that number, a man, asking her for going out for meal earlier, then asking why she was mad, she answered that she went yesterday looking for him and that he was with a guy and that he didn´t paid attention to her and she leaved... he then answered that that reason was ridiculous that she always overreacts... then she stated that he was very especial for him and didnt wanted to loose him... then he started asking her out for meal (she was eating meal with me at the moment acting completelly normal) ... then the most disturbing thing he sexted her, telling her that he couldnt wait to do oral on her... she ignored the sms... didnt reply to it... he later started asking her out at night before 8 o´clock he told her he was waiting for him on an HEB like 20 minutes from home then the texted said that he had waited a lot and was tired of calling and that he was leaving...
I was shocked... she arrived 5 minutes later saying that she decided she was to tired to drive to her friends place she preffered to sleep. I couldnt control my self i confessed i red everything at first she was in denial then she got angry because i spied on her.. then she started giving explanations.. she said he was a sort of friend that was hitting on her and that she take the opportunity to ask him for money because we had trouble and that she was only still contacting him because she owed him a sum not specified, he mas a mechanic with poor education and that he ocasionally flirted and send her those disturbing sext that she had to endure because o f the suppoused debt... that she loved me... that i was the love of her life... that the conversation with the woman was a favor to him to get rid of a slut that was bothering him at work... that she owed money because of my working problems...
She hit my heart and my manly ego. She kept saying that she love me and that i was the only one and saying that the money problems where so extreme that she fond no other solution than ask for money to a unpleaseant man... neither she nor i leave our house... i ended up beliving her story... i most confess somehing horrible... i belived her because she had become overweight ... she passed from 60 kg at the time of marriage to 82 kg... and was not willing to start any diet... i think i rationalized that cheating women tend to improve their looks and she was doing the opposite... i didnt care about the weight i loved her anyway... but i kept an uneasy feeling about the hole thing.
A month later she espontaneously told me that she had ended the friendship and the debt with that guy... she still refused to tell me his name... i didnt memorized his number (fool of me)... i still felt unesay...
By July my jealousy started freaking me out... i couldnt stand the urge to look at her phone... but she was more cautious... i peek a couple of times and found nothing... the third time i tried she caught me before i could get a good look. We fougth for a week.... I was dubbed a monster and untrustable for doubting of her... she made me promise i will never spy on her again. Now i was a monster.. and i accepted her conditions... i loved her...
I continued working a lot... money was always short... she started a depression crisis... she became very lazy by the month of October 2013... i did my best to cheer her up.. she rejected tree appointments with a psychiatrist... by November i took her to a vacation on a cruise expecting the trip will make her forget herself.. didn´t worked... December was a depression pit... January 2014 she finally started seening a psychoanalist. But then things became weird again. Sex was really sporadical and when she accepted to have intercourse she was always very passive.
By February this year we improved alot on our debts so i started working less... i started hanging out more at home on weekends. I expected her to be happy but she started to go out even when i didnt had to work night shifts even on regular week nights. She let me bougth many videogames... she even gave me a xbox one as a surprise present... i had never stopped been a child i felt happy and i loved her.
I was happy and entertained so then she started hanging out with her friends again... helping a friend with her store... another one coping with losing a bf... those sort of girly things... she started buying thongs, since i know her she always hated those things and suddenly she started liking then... she said that since she became overweight the thongs were more confortable to use than her regular panties... i concede since it was something sexy... even though she still didn´t actively wanted to have sex and barely used them to sleep with me... And then a month ago she started getting out and refused to tell me with whom... she insisted that with her friends but refused to give details... and then i found a key chain on her car keys with the form of a half hearth. On one side it had the lethers "l" and "o" and on the other side a face seen by the side giving a kiss to the border of the crack. Also her phone became unaccesible, she put a code block on it and freaked out everytime i was near to it, even though i didn´t made intention to touch it. My uneasyness grew again strongly
She again started asking me to help her choose dress and hair style... and one day she started using a new pendant on a necklace that i didnt gave her as a gift nor she showed me as a trophy of her shopping trips as she usually does. So i catch a glimpse of the pendant and it was another half hearth. I tried not to freak out. But became even more suspicious and began searching for clues... i found almost nothing... everytime she disapeared without telling me her plans or her whereabouts she went out with that pendant on her neck... her social life became a mistery to me she wouldn´t tell me anything... she started hiding to take phone calls and then denying that she recibed those or saying she didin´t notice she was hidding and that she didn´t hide on porpouse... the only thing usefull i found was a bill in her car for 10 dollars of prepaid credit for a phone number that i couldn´t recognize... i hid the strange phone number in my phone waiting for a moment to check it...
I swear i am about to end... Here comes the most strange part of all.
I had to work during springbrake... i am currently working on an emergency unit so there are no normal vacations for me... So on April 17 she told me that one of her female friends was going to a ranch to the south of the state to visit family that she was driving alone and wanted someone to came along with her... i know her so i knew that it was true... she has relatives on a place 4 hours from our city true a mountain town witha treacherous mountain road with difficult internet and phone access (i could reasonably understand why her friend wanted company for the trip)... she told me that her friend will drive... that they were taking her friends car... that she was going to be carefull... it was not the first time she made that trip with her friend (that was true too)... that i was going to work a lot and wouldnt pay attention to her that she was going to get bored at home alone... (this lasst reason sounded unnecesary to me i was commited already to let her be expecting to see if a little bit of freedom could help on her depression so i eas going to say yes anyway)...
She leave the next day 5 o´clock in the morning... lost cell phone signal at 10 am... at 7 pm i couldnt resist the uneasyness again i checked her friends fb status and... she posted a photo of herself on a beach with the tag of her location at 6 pm of that day... her friend was on a beach since monday posting almost everyday a f*cking selfie.. my hearth broke... i dont know what to do ... upon arrival she told me about the adventures she had in the ranch with her friend as if everything was true it was impossible to say if she lied... But i notice two things: her car smelled strongly of smoke and on her luggage she had a night dress (a nigth dress on a ranch thats really weird)... A week ago she sterted using the stupid pendant almost daily, everytime i saw it my hearth recibed a punch... i love her so mucho i don´t know what´s happening.
I already called the number to know the gender of the owner... it is a man... i googled the number and it appears the sale of a ram truck 4 months ago but theres no name.... And things got worst...
Tree days ago she took my cell phone, it is never blocked as usual.. She said i was acting suspicious around it... Some how she found the hidden number (i had no idea how i supose she uses the same trick to hide numbers on hers so she went for the win). She started a big fight... and suddenly i am the worst man the most hideous human in the world how can i dare think such horrible things about her i promised i will never spy on her etc etc etc... on the heat of the fight i controlled myself i didn´t reveal all my information but i confonted her i only said that she was acting weird that i was worried about her depression and that she was indeed having suspicious behavior. The pendant, the hangouts she takes when i am not working... she denied the existence of the hearth keychain... the pendant she explained she buy it because she likes it (i try to go deeper in that subject and couldnt obtain more information clearly for me is a gift or tell me if i am wrong but half hearth is useless except if someone holds the other half is a symboll the hearth only becomes complete in case of the reunion of the holders... also she likes to dress fashion and the pendant mostly didn´s combine with her other accesories)... i didn´t reveal the information about her friend... i memorized the number this time... she kind of forgot the next day but not without a big figth... i checked her drawer and a bag with new thongs she ordered online a party purse and a bunch of papers that i belived where only bills misteriously disapeared... now the keys of her car are unaccesible, her phone is even more.. even her favorite purse she uses daily...
So she is lying and is cheating?
She is faithfull but is hidding a secret?
She never ceased to cheat?
She is genuely depressed?
Am i paranoic?
I will answer any question than can help you help me. Please somebody answer me. This is beyond me. It´s too complicated.
It certainly sounds like there is something going on.
What kills me is - you're breaking your back working all the time, and she gets to be a party girl? I don't care that her salary is a pittance. She should be working. She's bored and gets into scrapes but, just as importantly, she has no financial investment in your marriage and that seems to be translating into no emotional investment, either.
So tell her that, in order to get out of your debts once and for all, she has to start working. Cut her off financially if you must, at least, only provide for the necessities. I realize that this means you are treating her like child, but she's acting just like one.
If she is truly depressed, like you say, then she should be treated by a doctor. And if she goes, it might be a good idea for you to go, too. Really, you could use couples counseling pretty badly. You need to learn to deal with your jealousy. She needs to learn how to deal with her boredom.
I know that you are probably in a country where divorce and separation are looked down upon and are downright difficult. This is why I am suggesting working on things. Because, after all, if you won't divorce, then what good is it to know if she is cheating? That kind of information only really matters when you can and will do something with it.
Thanks for your advise. Is simple, fair and direct. I needed something like that.
I came from a broken family so i passed the last part of cildhood seeing my parents have a divorce (my father had an affair). I grew deciding that i wouldn´t let my children suffer the same so in order to have children in a future i want to know what is up with my wife. I will not drag a child to a broken family.
She´d been seeing a psycoanalyst since January two times per week, my mother in law is helping me make her commit to the appointments. But last night she admited that she abandoned the medication the doctor gave to her. I am not sure now if she had been going to the appointments.
Here ni my country theres a saying that prays something like these:
"becareful when you make good things, don´t let them pose as bad ones... neither do bad things, and then make them pose as good ones"
(nunca hagas cosas buenas que parezcan malas... ni hagas cosas malas parecer cosas buenas)
The financial advise i will commit to it completely.
Thank you very much again.
she should come party with me