Advice on odd situation

Reply Thu 15 Jun, 2017 08:01 am
First off, I am new to posting here so I would like to say hello in advance to anyone on these forums. I have posted part of this question in another forum so if it looks familiar it probably is, but there is more to it.

Back story - I am a straight male. I have known this girl for the past 3+ years. She is a lesbian and has been since high school, and was in a relationship with the same girl for as long as I've known her. We became friends. Absolute best friends. We have so much in common.. weird, awkward, nerdy.. which I believe is why we have just clicked so well from the very beginning. We share similar views on most subjects and have helped each other emotionally many many times throughout the years. We have always been close, but always in a respectful and plutonic way and nothing more. I never thought there was any attraction from her.. and although she is a beautiful girl, I never saw her in that way either. Her relationship came to an end a while back, and I found myself spending more time with her to comfort her. She was heartbroken and didn't know what to do so she seemed to want me around as much as possible, the only person that she knows she can count on. I loved doing this for her, because I care so much for her as a friend and never want to see her upset.

One night we were sitting around after a few too many drinks. We had a very long talk, deep conversation, and then just started having a goo time and laughing. All the sudden she pulled me to her and started kissing me very passionately. I was very surprised.. I asked her more than once if she was sure about this, at which point she led me to the bedroom and we slept together. Afterwards, we talked and she said she didn't know how it happened but told me how much she enjoyed it. Later that night she called a friend and I overheard her telling her how happy she was that it happened. The next day, however, things changed. She was very standoffish so I took that as a hint to leave, knowing that it bothered her. She was very distant for a week or two.. we have always text and talked multiple times daily and I stopped getting replies after this. We finally talked and she explained how confused she was about everything that happened and needed some time to straighten her head out. I knew she had to be very confused, because she very proudly identifies as a completely gay woman. I gave her the time and space because the last thing I wanted was to make things more difficult for her after the breakup and her being in the middle of moving to a new place, a very difficult time for her.

During that time I found myself thinking about her constantly and that I had feelings for her, but couldn't tell her out of fear of completely ruining our friendship or confuse her even more. I just wrote it off and some weird thing and We went back to talking like nothing ever happened. She didn't seem to want to talk about it so no matter how I felt I kept it to myself, but we were back to the way we used to be as friends. And then it happened again, I went over to hang out and watch movies where it ended up with her coming onto me and sleeping together but without being intoxicated.. multiple times.. for the next two days. In that time she opened up to tell me that she had feelings for me, and wanted us to be together, and shared many of her deep thoughts with me. But again, she got distant out of nowhere, telling me that we needed time to figure things out. Now I am the one confused. We still talk and hang out but I don't know how to act this time. I don't want to push on the subject but every time I bring it up she gets quiet again. I don't want to lose this close friendship that we have had for so long, but why would she tell me all of those things one day and go back into her turtle shell the next? Is she still battling with the lesbian label and confused, or is she keeping me close for emotional, and sometimes physical support? Do you think that she will use the time by herself to figure it out as she said she would do, or was that just an easy way of telling me to leave? It's really hard to be just friends after hearing all of that and I am at a loss of what to do, so any input good or bad is very much appreciated. I know this post is much longer than I expected and is a very odd story, but I just need advice or suggestions. Thank you in advance
Reply Thu 15 Jun, 2017 08:35 am
Time for the two of you to talk in private about what happened.

Block out maybe two hours of time but give yourself a hard deadline. You have to be ... somewhere. That way, you can break tension if necessary. If you want the conversation to go on for more than two hours, just say something like it's okay if you're late to ... whatever.

And talk. Ask something like, "When we were together, what did that mean to you? I care for you and if we are not going to be a couple, I do want to be your friend like I have been." (yes I know you feel more for her than that, but this might turn out to be all you can get)

See what happens. She might be relieved to hear the friendship hasn't tanked. She might want a relationship, or to wait and see. Truth is, she's probably bi and it just hadn't really crossed her mind until the opportunity presented itself.
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Reply Sat 1 Jul, 2017 09:39 pm
Two week update, she has now distanced herself to the point of almost no communication and for no reason that I can think of. I hadn't pushed, I hadn't been bombarding her with messages, and when I did I kept it light and bare minimum to give her that space. She never would sit and talk with me, I wonder now if she actually was in love with me or not as she said she was. I can't fathom someone going this long without even giving a hint of importance to someone after they bare their sole as she did. Maybe she hasn't had enough time. Maybe I just got too involved and held that hope that something good would happen. Maybe I approached everything wrong. I just don't know. I still care for her immensely and think about her constantly, but part of me thinks I will never know what she is thinking.
Reply Tue 4 Jul, 2017 07:44 pm
The difficulty you're experiencing arises from you not putting yourself in her shoes:

- If she was very proudly a gay woman, then this would be very confusing for her (because, she simply isn't completely gay).
- if she made being gay part of her identity (who she thinks herself to be, the culture, the pride in being gay etc), then she may be having an identity crisis
- if she has many gay friends, they may be in her ear (so to speak) about sleeping with you

As a supposition, without necessarily relating to her - a rather high percentage of gay women sleep around lots in their younger years. ie. you may not be the only person she is sleeping with...which may be confusing her.


That said, it appears you aren't thinking much about your needs either. You appear to be hurting, but not saying anything...which is tantamount to saying it's acceptable to you. Putting up with this for too long will start eroding your self esteem. Self esteem enhances happiness (while lack of it always erodes the level of happiness). And every person under the sun deserves both happiness, and self esteem.

Sometimes, even when people are special to you, and even when they are not purposely kicking you in the guts...you need to say something to them (because you need to stand up for yourself).

She simply isn't the only important person in this story.
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Reply Wed 5 Jul, 2017 04:14 pm
Well - darn her!

She "came on to you" - crossed her own self- proclaimed boundary (at least thats what she has told you all this time)

She's on the re-bound. Am I the only one who feels she has used you?

Shes got some work to do to figure out what she wants - and it might include being bi. Is that going to be OK with you?

Date others asap. This could take a long time for her to sort all this out.

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