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Thu 25 May, 2017 12:58 am
Long, depressing story here, and I would really appreciate objective advice. I already know that I am most likely naive with this whole situation and should probably move on. It pains me to say though, that I really don't want to.
I have been dating my current boyfriend for almost 4.5 years. About the last year of our relationship, we have talked periodically about getting married. I always felt like I was pushing it more than he, but he did tell me time and time again that he did want to marry me. He would also say something like, "I just want to make sure I'm the perfect man and husband for you." Well, about three months ago, I brought up the marriage conversation again, and he responded with this perfect husband thing again. I prodded more this time, asking why he thought he wasn't already? He told me that he had done some bad things in his past. I of course, continued to prod. I finally asked him if he needed to get something off his chest in order to move forward in our relationship. He said he did, and I expected him to tell me something in his past, meaning, before we were dating. Well, I was shockingly wrong.
He told me that he had cheated on me multiple times. He said that when we first started dating, he had sex with a couple other girls. Even 6 months into our relationship! Then he told me that about a year earlier, when he randomly told me he wanted a "break" that he was actually hooking yo with a flight attendant. He is a pilot. He told me this happened twice, but then he realized he was wrong and started talking to me again. He also told me that a few months after that happened a flight attendant came into his room and started coming on to him. While they didn't have sex, she made him finish with a blow job and he ate her out.
Of course, hearing all this shocked me and I was immediately done with everything concerning him. He was visibly upset after telling me these things. Crying, apologizing profusely, and begging for my forgiveness. He also told me that after getting these things off his chest, he now wanted to marry me more than anything. After a couple days of extreme hurt and despair, I decided to continue talking to him to see if I could move past all of this.
He was extremely supportive of me during this time, and was kind and patient with me while I was hurting quite a bit dealing with all of this in my head. He told me that he would stop watching porn and that he would never lie to me again.
Well, three months later, we are still "together" but I have yet to tell him I love him. I want to be able to say this with my whole heart and actually be able to forgive him when (and if) I say this again. I just haven't been able to move on, and continue to struggle with thoughts and pictures in my head of what probably happened. I also struggle quite a bit when he goes on trips for 2-4 days at a time. I am constantly wondering what he's doing and if he's with another flight attendant and just lying to me.
About a month ago I found multiple "suggestive" videos that he watched on YouTube. They weren't porn, but I could tell that he was looking up different things that were very close to porn. I confronted him about this and he admitted to me that he was also looking at pictures of other girls to get off. I hate this, and it makes me feel extremely insecure. He tells me that he will try to stop that also, but it doesn't appear that he is trying very hard. Am I wrong to be upset about pictures? Not naked pictures, but pictures in bikinis, etc.
Overall, what are your opinions on this situation? I love this man to pieces (even though I haven't told him that lately) and want nothing more than a happy, honest, future with him. Am I as naive as I feel? Should I just cut ties all together now or continue to give him a chance? If I give him a chance, should I harp on him for masturbating to other women's pictures?
Thank you again for your non judgement all words. As you can probably tell, I am in a fragile state emotionally and would love any honest advice on this matter.
Lost and emotional
@Jgo91,
I think your reluctance to say you love him is a sign.
Doesn't sound like your are going to get over this.
Still, YOU did push the issue - "I of course, continued to prod."
I think, subconsciously, you knew he was hiding something. Maybe this is your way out of the plan. Or his.
@Jgo91,
To be honest its a relationship built on lies, he kept that stuff from you for years! You would've never known either if he had not told you. I dealt with something similar from my bf, I caught him on an old messaging sight he used to chat with women on before he date me. He had two videos of himself msturbating along with videos and pics of other girls. He admitted he was only doing it because we had been fighting but he never sent anything out to anyone. He also admitted he would've never told me because he felt too bad about it but then also followed up by saying he (at the time) didn't think it was cheating. I forgave him but honestly now I don't trust him and you don't want something like that, he talks about marriage and all I can think about is him flirting with other girls. I've never caught him sleeping with anyone but never the less it doesn't make you feel any better. I hope this serves as a warning, please don't lower your self worth for a guy that's not willing to be exclusively with you.
@Jgo91,
Had you two made some kind of personal vows that you wouldn't ever have sex with anyone else? Many people like to test the waters about choosing a life partner, and at least some of the time, that is a smart idea.
@Jgo91,
I'm kinda in the same boat with you. My husband started watching porn and looking at craigslist at the women looking for men page. When I asked him about it he lied. ( he's always telling the kids & me to be honest.. but he can't ) I started crying and he quickly came clean. Said he lied cause he was ashamed of himself. And cause it upset me and said he would stop. Well 1 yr. Later he's watching porn again. ( it makes feel so worthless about my self )
He goes out of town a few times a year for 3 to 7 days. I don't go cause I work and take care of everything at home. Well while he's gone he barely calls or text me. Well the last time he was gone I hadn't heard from him in almost 24 hours.. so I text him and he called me and told me his phone was dead .. well I looked online at the bill and discovered he had been texting a married woman that was at the same place he was. He left home at midnight and at 12:14 a.m. she started texting.. 1100 between them for a month. There were only 150 between us. So when I questioned who and why he got all defensuve. I told him i wanted to see the text between them. But when he got home he told me he deleted them. He said it was just friends talking. And nothing else. But if thats all it was why would he delete the text? It's been very hard for me to try and get past this, I've gone to Dr to get something for panic attacks and I've gone to a counselor. Some days are ok and some are awful.. and anything can bring all these emotions back up. And as for the porn stuff it makes me feel dirty, ashamed, in my opinion it's a form of cheating.
I never in a million years thought he would cheat on me but now I'm not to sure. I always felt like he put me on a pedestal, but now I feel that I'm below him. This has brought my self-esteem down to Rock Bottom, all my insecurities . I just don't know where to go from here?
Oh and by the way we've been together for 20 years married for 19
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