Last night a chupacabra ate my left testicle.

Reply Sat 13 Nov, 2004 07:25 am
Let's take this from the beginning.

Around 11:00 last night, I was on A2K. I briefly scanned some of the political threads and then popped over to this thread that Joe Nation has going. I thought about contributing to Joe's thread, but then remembered some angry words Joe and I had shared in the past. Joe, at that time, had been waxing eloquent about some long gone tradition which involved tribal costumes and some sort of flute music. I had interjected with a rather tasteless joke about a female double amputee and a chicken. Joe got a bit angry and chased me off his thread. So.... I wasn't going to go through that again.

I moved over to a thread where msolga and littlek were talking about Christmas. We chatted for awhile but then the conversation turned to girlie stuff. I was getting a little uncomfortable with their talk of exotic Christmas panties and things they'd like to do to Santa Claus as his legs appeared in the fireplace, so I bid them farewell and headed to the card club.

I had a few beers at the club, shared some jokes with some of the boys, and left with about 278.00 in winnings. I probably would have made over 300.00 if I didn't tip the waitresses and card dealers so much.

So, I got back home and started walking toward the house, whistling a little tune, when I was brought to a sudden stop by an unusual smell. Sulfur. I tensed up. Sulfur meant only one thing -- the chupacabra was on my property!

I should have noticed the tell-tale signs; no noise coming from the capybaras, no welcoming cooing from the pigeons, no grunts from the pigs, no rustling of the slender loris. Nothing but silence. And the smell of sulfur.

Slowly, I reached for my gun. I always carry on 38 Smith and Wesson, strapped to my leg. Gun in hand I started toward the capybara pen.

I remember thinking how stupid it was of me to have forgotten to turn on the yard light. Now here I was in total darkness, groping my way toward the capybara pen. Now I could smell blood. Blood and sulfur mixed together. And then I heard a slurping sound. As quiet as a cat, I reached into my shirt pocket and pulled out my trusty pen light. Aiming it toward the slurping noise, I turned the light on.

I gasped. My prized capybara, Percy, lay dead on the ground, an enormous hole ripped into his underside, intestines and blood spilling out in a nauseous fashion. And dining on the innards was a beast which I have heard about, but, until now, never seen. The chupacabra.

A hideous creature indeed. About the size of an orangutan, yet thinner and more reptilian. It vaguely resembled gollum, from the Lord of the Rings, but had a bigger head and two prominent fangs. But the eyes! I was mesmerized. Two large red orbs that seemed to glow. I felt my blood run cold. Collecting my wits, I raised my gun to fire.... too late.... the beast was upon me. With savage fury it ripped through my overalls and tore off my left testicle in one bite. I screamed in horror and dropped to my knees as the creature bounded away and, with one fluid motion, jumped on to a fence post. It stopped there. Slowly it turned toward me. My testicle swung from its mouth. The red eyes continued to glow.

I was shocked from not only losing my testicle and seeing it dangle from the mouth of this hideous, reptilian creature, but also by the fact that through the entire ordeal I had captured all this activity with my trusty pen light.

Now bleeding profusely I again raised my gun to shoot. The chupacabra made a chuckling noise, tipped his head back, and in one fluid motion, consumed my testicle. He gulped and was gone. I never had time to get a shot off.

I stumbled to the tool shed and with some duct tape and burlap was able to made a crude bandage. Then, I buried my beloved Percy. The best damn capybara I've ever had.

And now, here I sit, in a blood-soaked chair, telling the horrific story of an evening gone bad.

I'd better get to the doctor.
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Reply Sat 13 Nov, 2004 08:23 am
Yeah, chupacabra spit is even more infectious than a komodo dragon's. You think your ordeal is over, but it's just beginning...

Been nice knowing you, Gus, really. -sniff- I bet dlowan would watch some of your animals for you. I'm partial to slender lorises, but my hubby's allergic.
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Frank Apisa
Reply Sat 13 Nov, 2004 08:38 am

...two things come immediately to mind:

1) While having dinner with Joe Nation Thursday night...he mentioned how much he enjoyed your posts.

He was a bit zonked...but he sounded sincere.

2) I would gladly like an introduction to your supplier.

My shyt doesn't do anywhere near as much for me as your shyt does for you...and I am paying top dollar.
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Reply Sat 13 Nov, 2004 09:35 am
Shocked I hope you managed to get to the hospital GusÂ…what's the prognosis?
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Reply Sat 13 Nov, 2004 09:37 am
well look at the bright side...you still have two left.....
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Reply Sat 13 Nov, 2004 10:23 am
Oh, Gus, Sob! I'm so saddened at your loss. But all is not lost.

I found some sock darners that I'm sure you can attach that will make you feel whole again. Another benefit is that they won't itch.

Take your choice from these:

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Reply Sat 13 Nov, 2004 10:34 am
Re: Last night a chupacabra ate my left testicle.
gustavratzenhofer wrote:

Collecting my wits, I raised my gun to fire...

You were going to shoot an adorable little creature???????????????

Laughing Bastid! Laughing You just earned the #10 spot.

Scuse me......
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Reply Sat 13 Nov, 2004 10:45 am
Perhaps, my last post was a bit harsh, here this is for you Gussy-

With one testi short-
twill be difficult
to court.
You'll need to-
find a girl
who admires
just one pearl.
You can still-
have some fun
cause after all
one's better
than none.
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Reply Sat 13 Nov, 2004 10:51 am
I was unaware the chupacabras had made it so far north. The warning is duly noted.

Don't fret dear gus, I've heard that testes grow back in shape shifters.
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Reply Sat 13 Nov, 2004 12:18 pm
Bi-Polar Bear wrote:
well look at the bright side...you still have two left.....

Damn, bear! I went through two kleenexes laughing at that. No mascara left at all now. Even my cats had to come see what was wrong with me.

And Gus, damn you, do you know how many dictionaries I had to look through to find "chupacabra"? This is Saturday, for crying out loud. I'm not supposed to have to work!

Nonetheless, I do hope the bleeding has stopped by now.
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Reply Sat 13 Nov, 2004 12:24 pm
Is a chupacabra a real animal? It sounded fictious, it's not beneath Gus to make something up.
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Reply Sat 13 Nov, 2004 12:25 pm

I saw it on TV once.
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Reply Sat 13 Nov, 2004 12:27 pm
Frank Apisa wrote:
2) I would gladly like an introduction to your supplier.

My shyt doesn't do anywhere near as much for me as your shyt does for you...and I am paying top dollar.

I get my stuff from BiPolarBear. ( Do not tell him I gave you that information. )
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Reply Sat 13 Nov, 2004 12:28 pm
Thanks Soz, I just learned something new. Now I think I will go look up what it looks like.
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Reply Sat 13 Nov, 2004 12:32 pm
Gus, your chiropractor did what?? Oh, sorry...I misread the title of the thread. Carry on.
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Reply Sat 13 Nov, 2004 12:35 pm
I guess I should say which SHOW I saw it on -- the X-Files.[size=7][/size]
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Reply Sat 13 Nov, 2004 12:47 pm
Be Afraid, Be very afraid!!!


the chupacabra has been variously described. Some witnesses have seen a small half-alien, half-dinosaur tailless vampire with quills running down its back; others have seen a panther like creature with a long snake-like tongue; still others have seen a hopping animal that leaves a trail of sulfuric stench. Some think it may be a type of dinosaur heretofore unknown. Some are convinced that the wounds on animals whose deaths have been attributed to the chupacabra indicate an alien presence. However, they do not attribute the "mutilations" to the aliens themselves, but to one of their pets or experiments gone awry. Such creatures are known as Anomalous Biological Entities [ABEs] in UFO circles.

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Reply Sat 13 Nov, 2004 01:00 pm
So, the chupacabra is as real as the "Loch Ness" monster and "Big Foot".
Ceili, thank you for setting me straight.
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Reply Sat 13 Nov, 2004 01:00 pm
I found this quite enlightening:

"Chupacabras are goat sucking, nocturnal alien
panthers who've been stranded years ago on earth.
They can fly, evade much human detection
And have intrigued the paranormal community
and Hispanic America for years. Origionally
discovered in puerto rico, and since mostly seen
in Miami, Mexico, and the Southwest U.S.,
Chupacabras are rapidly replacing yetis and
the loch ness monster as the most popular
legendary monsters on planet earth...
Maybe Beyond. From their first appearances in puerto rico,
the chupas have spread like wildfire
both netwise and worldwide. Their targets are
livestock, but most notoriously they have
gone after the blood of goats (hence the
english translation of their name 'goat-sucker')
The main chupacabras hideouts are unknown
at this time but it's most assumed that
they burrow underground, are quite nocturnal and yes,
seem to leave different impressions on
those who witness them. Usually they are depicted
as everything from winged raptors, to fanged birds
and bats on both electronic, fabric and mental media.

Proof of their existence is growing more and more
relevant these days as movies and news reports tell of
what the chupacabra is. In san Antone, it was captured
on the news. In Zapata, it is celebrated with an annual
festival. On t-shirts it is cariactured as many things
both dramatic and humorous. It is everywhere from web
pages, to children's books, and in myth and legend.
And in the internet, the chupacabras are
revered in song and in drawings all over the world.

This page is for the revelation of chupacabras and
the net links that honor these new supernatural
characters most unusual and rare in earth
and on the web, and maybe the truth about them
will hopefully be revealed to you as well.

And now, for Some things chupacabra....
Hear Clyde Lewis and Charlene Spencer's rendition of
the macarena - from ground zero productions.
His unofficial page is located at:
This underlined URL is Clyde Lewis's
unofficial home page. Enjoy!

For those with a midi card,
Hear the sweet music
of the Chupacabra's distant galaxy.

link: http://incorporateds.faithweb.com/chupacab.htm
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Reply Sat 13 Nov, 2004 01:12 pm
Anyone who is familiar with the chupacabra knows that they only ever eat the RIGHT testicle. Gus you have just been caught out telling a fib. Admit it Very Happy
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